¹ While I draw a merely symbolic editorial salary of $1 per annum, the big money is in stock options and endorsements.^{2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16} And of course there are the residuals from The SpecGram ⅔ Ellipsis™©.. and dividends from part ownership in certain naming rights. Income in the seven-figure range¹⁷ makes for a slow year.

² But give your child a leg up with the right name! The International Name Testing Service can help!

³ You can be a better parent, too, with Broken-Record Parenting.

⁴ You can also give your young adult reader a push in the proper linguistic direction with any of the many titles in fantasy linguistics from Scholartastic Books. Or, play linguistical games with them like Carcassonorant or The Linguists of Catan. For the jaded teen who just won’t listen to you, sneak in that much needed linguistic influence with a Vowel Space DVD Boxed Set.

⁵ If you are old school—but having problems in school—a little cheating never hurt anybody! If you’re not that desperate, you could certainly improve your writing with Pumptilian Perniquity’s Comma Removal and Remediation Kit!

⁶ If you’ve moved beyond undergrad and your career has stalled, People with Lack of Original Research Ideas in Linguistics can give you a jumpstart!

⁷ On the other hand, if neither old school nor new-fangled linguistics is for you, you can always earn a Degree in Langualogy.

⁸ You can conspicuously demonstrate that you have arrived with The Lingo, from Psammeticus Motors—a car designed for linguists... by linguists.

⁹ You, too, can break into the lucrative world of computational linguistics with this One Weird Trick.

¹⁰ Though there are so many nifty, useful, and easy-to-use apps out there!

¹¹ Keep it natural, folks! Should you start using constructed languages, however, Conlangers Anonymous can help you get your life back on track.

¹² While computers have trouble with natural languages, humans don’t—or at least don’t have to! Psammeticus Institute’s Dialect Continuum Language Studies will have you speaking a very slightly different language in no time! Or, you could learn a new phone every month with The Phone-of-the-Month Club! Or, you could learn just the grossest parts of Mongolian with the Xerus & Ratufa’s Word-A-Day Mongolian Calendar!

¹³ You know what else is shocking? The way some people treat their data. People for the Ethical Treatment of Data believe that “All Data Deserves Good Treatment”.

¹⁴ That is something I just don’t understand—if they’d just use a John Deere Linguistic Data Harvester, fieldwork would be a breeze. And if that doesn’t work, the Handbook for Linguistic Elicitation, Volume 28: Laziness and Inactivity would certainly help bring their stress levels down!

¹⁵ What they probably need is to go on a date—but who’d have them? For the more socially acceptable kind of linguist, though, LinguaDate is the solution! And for the gentleman linguist who fears he may not... uh... “measure up”, there’s Lɛ::ŋkθ Mɑ:rk Me::ɪl Ɛ:nhæ::nsmɛ:nt.

¹⁶ The Γραμματο-Χαοτικον is always available for your language-modification needs!

¹⁷ And of course, by “seven figures” I mean a figure of a couple dollars here, a figure of a couple dollars there—over the whole year it really adds up!