How do you think Mr Fookeng Ho felt when he first came to the US and discovered what his name sounds like to Americans? How about Ms Fanny Tickler—who always thought her name sounded rather cute—when she arrived in London and discovered that saying her own name aloud around children might get her arrested? Consider poor Richard Head, who, as a child, could never get the other kids to call him Ricky—they always called him Dick, and made him cry.

Do you want experiences like these to scar your children? Of course not: no one does. But are you fluent in English, Japanese, Spanish, Korean, German,

Mon aéroglisseur est plein d’anguilles — French

Russian, Indonesian, French, Japanese, Italian, Chinese, Arabic, and Swahili? Of course not: no one person can be.

Are you familiar with all the nuances of hip urban slang in New York, Paris, London, Chicago, Moscow, Beijing, Mexico City, Frankfurt, Houston, Tokyo, São Paulo, Edinburgh, Seoul, Jakarta, L.A., Lima, Taipei, Delhi, Caracas, Manila, Singapore, Asunción, Cairo, Cologne, Buenos Aires, and Hong Kong? Of course not! But we are!

These languages, these cities, they are all likely to be encountered by a well-travelled, global citizen of the future. You do want your child to be a happy well-travelled, global citizen of the future, don’t you? Of course you do!

We have turned our years of personal experience—as linguists, as computer scientists, and as regular people whose parents made unfortunate choices—into an unparalleled service:

Hoverkrafti im është plot me ngjala — Albanian

Send us the name you are considering for your child, and we will tell you in what languages, in what countries, in what cities your child’s name will embarrass them.

We consider:

• the name itself (Tip: never mix a dictionary-word first-name, like Faith, with a dictionary-word surname, like Hill. The result is always dangerous.)

• nicknames (Tip: Never call a Richard by the nickname Dick—ever!)

• compound surnames (Tip: if one parent’s surname is Hammond, and the other’s is Bacon, reconsider your plan to pass on both names. Hammond-Bacon is not a good surname for anyone.)

• rhyming teases (Tip: Unusual names will always be rhymed with unpleasant words in the schoolyard. Amit will become Amit-Vomit.)

• bad transliterations (Tip: Phook is a better transliteration for Vietnamese names than Phuc, regardless of pronunciation or tradition.. trust us on this one!)

• the name’s initials

  Puno ug kasili ang akong hoberkrap — Cebuano

  (Tip: You may not be willing to give up a potentially problematic surname, such as Horny, but if so, make a point not to name your little girl Irene Marie.)

Every employee of the International Name Testing Service has lived with this problem, personally and professionally, so your child won’t have to. Can you put your trust in us? Of course you can!

	The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages—Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press
	Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part B—Ergativity—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.
	SpecGram Vol CLII, No 2 Contents