Degenerative Grammar—Our Current State of Linguistic Degradation—D. T. R. O’Rait, D. Bauch, and Wayne N. DeKay SpecGram Vol CLXVI, No 4 Contents Move-αnαgrαms—Trey Jones and Keith Slater

iGrammoid Apps for Linguists and Linguistoids

For rookie linguists

The Applet

Lets you have user-friendly, quick-look, to-the-point, state-of-the-art, no-nonsense, one-size-fits-all access to short definitions of core linguistic terms, schools of thought and thinkers (with optional on/off profanity function, in the latter case). Fully cross-referenced.

The Appall

Shock-historical/hysterical introduction to the whole field of linguistics, from sound through meaning to fury and beyond, from innocent musings to deliberate full-blown speculations, from linguistic facts to theoretical fiction (in that order), from academic publication to back-room bickering (with overt expletive insertion), including memorable quotations, all sampled in context, like “Y’call that a noun phrase?? Not in my book, it ain’t!”, “Bleeding and counter-feeding should be administered with caution”, and “The Elsewhere Condition stipulates that a snippet in Linguistic Inquiry is worth a dozen books anywhere else.”

The Appease

Converts linguistic jargon, rule-writing, rule-ordering and tree-diagramming conventions to plain language, thereby assuaging fears that linguistic jargon, rule-writing, rule-ordering and tree-diagramming conventions must stem from epiphanies granted only to a chosen few. Arguably the most sophisticated app of its generation.

For fundamentalist linguists

The Applaud

A must for those specializing in boot-licking and other forms of favorable peer reviews and/or endorsements on demand: for any linguistic theory, sub-theory or side-theory that happens to be ‘in’ at the moment, the app offers thousands of disconnected (p)sycophantic clauses that can be paired or sequenced in any order. Similarly to the clauses that make up daily horoscopes, all you need to do is order them and provide the coordinate or subordinate conjunctions that fit your beliefs of the day. All clauses are written in the latest theoretically cryptic style, containing meaningless cutting-edge lingo and lists of unpublished references supporting preposterous claims. Like daily horoscopes, this app is automatically updated every 24 hours.

For linguists with polyglot ambitions

The Apple

Features a painstakingly collected corpus of every single concordanced occurrence of the French masculine definite article/pronoun in online documents. Invaluable for fieldworkers in exotic languages!

For theoretical linguists

The Applied

Unveils the mystifying goings-on of language teachers, language learners, multilinguals and other peripheral language users to linguists of the pure persuasion. Comes complete with an alphabetical index of linguistic half-truths and pseudo hands-on variables, such as “communicative competence” or “linguistic identity”, that impure linguists have accumulated over decennia, in their (failed) attempts to implement linguistic dictums untainted by empirical contamination in their backfiring backward back yards.

The Approach

The most anticipated fruit of our top-notch developers’ labor, this app removes parasitic code from syntactic architecture at a touch: just input any ordered derivation, any two or more rules from any grammar, any set of constraints of your own concoction, or all of these together, to watch the parsimonious final solution to grammatical elegance scroll open before your eyes.

For phoneticians

The Appear

Fancy doing exclusive, complex-sounding work like higher-level phonetics but can’t tell a voiceless lateral trill from an unvoiced denasalized pharyngeal approximant? You don’t need to, either (most phoneticians don’t anyway): let this app reveal to you how you can get away with misidentifying and mispronouncing any sound and any articulatory description of your choice, respectively, and still be called a phonetician!

The Apprise

An invaluable instrument to gather information about speakers who are suspected of suffering from genetic parametric disorders which jam the rise/fall prosodic switch into a permanent “fall” position. Ask the patients any questions, or simply prod them sharply in the ribs with the pointed edge of your iGrammoid, and then run their resulting utterances on the app’s pitch tracker. If the tracks typically show falling tunes, then the condition is safely identified. The app additionally treats the condition, by producing random unintelligible mumbo-jumbo, prompting the patients to say What!? in ever higher-rising tones. This product is certified by our resident iSurgeon.

For typical linguists (institutionalized, promotion- & tenure-haunted, etc.)

The Appraise

Instantly calculates the percentage by which your next paycheck should be topped, and the quantity/quality of perks to which you become entitled, against h-indexes, KPIs, or whatever metrics your institution has in place to assess the output of your daily armchair meditations.

The Approve

If you’re the globe-trotting kind of linguist, steadily on the lookout for conferences where to present your murky findings, or new jobs where no one has yet heard about your murky academic past, look no further. This app will point you to choice destinations, complete with exclusive shopping malls, five-star+++ hotels, gourmet restaurants and free online booking of tickets to rock concerts and exotic dance shows.

The Append

This is the ultimate one-stop solution to data problematics and problematic data. Your data don’t match the assumptions you took the whole of last weekend to invent? Your mentors’ data never did? You don’t have any data at all? Just type in any assumption in full, to generate one or more appendices to your paper, comprising a full set of matching data from dead or endangered languages with a single elderly, physically ailing and mentally debilitated speaker left (your choice!), complete with sophisticated statistical treatment obscure enough to discourage and/or intimidate (your choice, too!) any potentially less accommodating reviewers/reviews editors/publishing houses (their choice, here).


“This is so cool! I would never be found by the water cooler without my apps!”

“Certainly the wisest investment in my career advancement since I married an heiress.”

“The best thing with these apps is the envy they arouse among my peers. Thank you, iGrammoid!!”

Download from iLoons(**) now, while stocks last(***),
at our unbeatable launch prices, $379.99 apiece for individuals,
times the number of employees for institutions
(terms and conditions apply).

(*) No relation to The Applaud, above.

(**) Beware of copies! The recently launched The Apppetite (grossly misspelt, besides) and The Appointment have nothing to do with iGrammoid quality or products. They target petty nutritional-intake–girth-size correlations and the use of facial/body treatments to enhance personal impact at employment interviews, respectively, whereas linguists are well-known for not caring a hoot about their looks.

(***) As with all of our software, these apps are only compatible with our latest iGrammoid model. The apps will cease to function in whatever model you already own as soon as our quarterly updated models are released.

Degenerative GrammarOur Current State of Linguistic DegradationD. T. R. O’Rait, D. Bauch, and Wayne N. DeKay
Move-αnαgrαmsTrey Jones and Keith Slater
SpecGram Vol CLXVI, No 4 Contents