Annual Report to Shareholders, 2011

The Speculative Grammarian Editorial Board

What is with you people? Don’t you have anything better to do than to send us impertinent letters about dividends? Haven’t you got conference papers to write? Get a life.

If it means you’ll stop bothering us, we’ll tell you this much: sales are up; quality is up; profits are down. You can complain until you’re blue in the phonemes, but we are never going to sully our academic reputation with frivolous advertising. Top-notch editors are expensive (not that any of you would know that from personal experience), and last time we checked they weren’t giving paper and ink away.

Listen, bozos: don’t think you’re going to vote us into some nirvana of “profitability.” We’ll make sure the annual meeting has a clear majority of people who see things our way. You can count on that.

And while you may have pressured us into issuing this report, our lawyers are closing up those loopholes in our corporate charter right now. Keep at it and we’ll re-incorporate in the Bahamas and then make sure all your potential “profits” go into fact-finding business trips and high-level financial negotiations at all-inclusive resorts across the street from our bank.

Let’s see. We’re probably legally required to give some specifics. Well, tough luck. We’ve already wasted too much time on you losers. Sell your stock if you don’t like it.

And by the way, don’t bother to even threaten a lawsuit. We know all about discourse, and we aren’t afraid to use it.

—Eds.

With that, we offer hearty congratulations to the Chiasmus of the Month Award winner for July 2011!

Jonathan David Bobaljik, 1992, “Nominally Absolutive is Not Absolutely Nominative”. In The Proceedings of WCCFL 12. Chiasmus of the Month July 2011

	Letters to the Editor
	SpecGram Vol CLXII, No 2 Contents