Pumptilian Perniquity’s
Comma Removal and Remediation Kit

Consider if you will the following excerpt from Poe:

Near the western extremity, where Fort Moultrie stands, and where are some miserable frame buildings, tenanted, during summer, by the fugitives from Charleston dust and fever, may be found, indeed, the bristly palmetto; but the whole island, with the exception of this western point, and a line of hard, white beach on the sea-coast, is covered with a dense undergrowth of the sweet myrtle so much prized by the horticulturists of England.

This, is, the kind, of writing, only, a Shatner, could love. Or perhaps, just maybe, a Walken—but clearly no other.

In fact, scientific analysis shows that this sample of Poe is more than 3.5% commas by weight—and at least 47.2% commas by bloat. It’s the kind of writing that’s liable to cause either sympathetic comma hypertrophy or antagonistic comma hypotrophy in impressionable young writers. Both conditions are serious, though usually neither is fatal to an academic career—although comma hypertrophy in particular has been known to stunt growth.

Rather than risk either of these unfortunate conditions you can protect yourself and your loved ones with Pumptilian Perniquity’s Comma Removal and Remediation Kit!

Available in both digital and analog^* configurations, the Comma Removal and Remediation Kit filters harmfully unnecessary commas from books, magazines, newspapers, email, blog posts and most internet pages.^**

Also available is Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit which filters calamitous commas and superfluous semicolons from your outgoing writing.

“I suffer from congenital comma hypertrophy, a condition that runs in my familiolect, and which severely crippled the academic careers of both my father and my grandmother before him. I also suffered an acute overdose of comma exposure: the result of an early childhood affection for Poe. Even after years of orthographic therapy, I still cannot completely control my spastic colons and commarrhea. However, Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit renders my writing readable and safe for consumption by minors. I am eternally grateful.”

—Claude Searsplainpockets

With Claude’s kind permission we’ve reproduced his original message below, as it appeared before the application of Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit.

Order now! Operators are standing by!

	The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective
	Trickle Down Linguonomics I—K͡Parul K͡Brugmann
	SpecGram Vol CLXXIII, No 1 Contents