Consider if you will the following excerpt from Poe:
Near the western extremity, where Fort Moultrie stands, and where are some miserable frame buildings, tenanted, during summer, by the fugitives from Charleston dust and fever, may be found, indeed, the bristly palmetto; but the whole island, with the exception of this western point, and a line of hard, white beach on the sea-
coast, is covered with a dense undergrowth of the sweet myrtle so much prized by the horticulturists of England.
This, is, the kind, of writing, only, a Shatner, could love. Or perhaps, just maybe, a Walken
In fact, scientific analysis shows that this sample of Poe is more than 3.5% commas by weight
Rather than risk either of these unfortunate conditions you can protect yourself and your loved ones with Pumptilian Perniquity’s Comma Removal and Remediation Kit!
Available in both digital and analog* configurations, the Comma Removal and Remediation Kit filters harmfully unnecessary commas from books, magazines, newspapers, email, blog posts and most internet pages.**
Also available is Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit which filters calamitous commas and superfluous semicolons from your outgoing writing.
“I suffer from congenital comma hypertrophy, a condition that runs in my familiolect, and which severely crippled the academic careers of both my father and my grandmother before him. I also suffered an acute overdose of comma exposure: the result of an early childhood affection for Poe. Even after years of orthographic therapy, I still cannot completely control my spastic colons and commarrhea. However, Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit renders my writing readable and safe for consumption by minors. I am eternally grateful.”
With Claude’s kind permission we’ve reproduced his original message below, as it appeared before the application of Pumptilian Perniquity’s Professional Comma Removal and Writing Rectification Kit.
Order now! Operators are standing by!
* Ask about our 35% AARP discount for analog installations!
** Tumblr pages may not be adequately filtered
|The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective|
|Trickle Down Linguonomics I—K͡Parul K͡Brugmann|
|SpecGram Vol CLXXIII, No 1 Contents|