SpecGram—Most Popular Pages

Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics. by Trey Jones. As a service to our young and impressionable readers who are considering pursuing a career in linguistics, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to provide the following Gedankenexperiment to help you understand the possibilities and consequences of doing so. For our old and bitter readers who are too far along in their careers to have any real hope of changing the eventual outcome, we provide the following as a cruel reminder of what might have been. Let the adventure begin ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part ж—The Trouble with NLP. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Please review previously discussed materials as needed. Now that that is taken care of, let us consider why Natural Language Processing (or, its alter-ego, Computational Linguistics) has not been the resounding success regularly predicted by the NLP faithful: We gave the monkeys the bananas because they were hungry/over-ripe. Time/Fruit flies like a(n) arrow/banana. pretty little girl’s school crying computational linguist Up next: Lexicostatistics vs Glottochronology. References, Baeza-Yates, Ricardo and Berthier Ribeiro-Neto (1999). Modern Information ... [ more ]

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part E—Phonetics vs. Phonology. Hilário Parenchyma, C.Phil. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. We will skip the introduction, as we have been there, done that. Once more into the breach! For this installment in our series on Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, we will turn our attention to Phonetics and Phonology and the difference between the two: Phonetics:, ... Phonology:, ... Thanks to Professor Phlogiston, of the Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn, for the opportunity of a lifetime, as a student, to, on this occasion, share with so many of my fellow linguisticians my views, as illustrated above, concerning matters, which are of such immeasurable import ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com. Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ]

The SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. Welcome to the SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. The SpecGram Archive Elves™ have undertaken a project to digitize and share a sheaf of early 20th century SpecGram propaganda posters, which were used during the Great Linguistic War and the Second Linguistic War to encourage linguists everywhere to keep a stiff upper lip and a sense of humor during those trying times. We provide the digitized posters here for you to enjoy, retrospect on, and share. Select a poster to see a higher quality image, and for links to share on social media, to email friends, and to view or download the highest quality version of the image. If you have ideas for other messages that need ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part ז—Synchronic vs. Diachronic. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. If you have fallen behind, try to catch up. For those who are caught up, a simple explanation of the difference between synchronic contrast and diachronic contrast, illustrated with examples from a couple of the beautiful Romance languages—Spanish and its ancestor, Latin: Synchronic ... Diachronic ... Up next: The Trouble with NLP. References, Barðdal, Jóhanna H. (2001). Case in Icelandic: A Synchronic, Diachronic and Comparative Approach. Blevins, Juliette. (2004). Evolutionary Phonology: The Emergence of Sound ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... [ more ]

Letters to the Editor, double-dot wide-o To the most respected Editors, In the fall I’ll be a first-year grad student in linguistics at R––– University. A couple of the current fourth-years told me that the International Phonetic Association was adding several new symbols for sounds that have previously been considered to have questionable status as phonemes. They said that the most contentious new addition was double-dot wide-O, a nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trill. I’ve leafed through several back issues of SpecGram, Language, and a few other journals. I’ve searched the Linguist List archives, and scoured the web. I can’t find anything about it ... [ more ]

The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics . For decades, Speculative Grammarian has been the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguistics—and now it is available in book form—both physical and electronic! We wish we were kidding,¹ but no, seriously, we’ve published a large³ collection of SpecGram articles, along with just enough new material to force obsessive collectors and fans to buy it, regardless of the cost.⁴ From the Introduction: The past twenty-five years have witnessed many changes in linguistics, with major developments in linguistic theory, significant expansion ... [ more ]

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!. An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. The cause experts the LSA sent investigate remains elusive. Frighteningly, linguists linguists linguists sent examined are highly contagious. Physicians neurologists psychologists other linguists called for help called for help called for help didn’t help either. The disorder experts reporters SpecGram sent consulted investigated apparently is a case of pathological center embedding. Yreka Bakery (Egello College). ... [ more ]

Quotes: What People are Saying. Here are a few of our favorite things people have said about Speculative Grammarian over the years, collected wild on the internet, or domesticated in email — Q1118. C’est sans doute un humour un peu ésotérique mais bon —Sémioticien du bisou — Q1117. Support the addition of the double-dot wide O to the IPA chart by buying some Speculative Grammarian merchandise! No, I’m not being sponsored or getting a commission from them. I just appreciate good geeky humour —Grace Teng — Q1116. Speculative Grammarian ist die erste Zeitschrift für satirische Linguistik. Kostenlos zugänglich, ein ... [ more ]

Language Made Difficult, Vol. L — The SpecGram LingNerds are on their own this time. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss the dangers of mispronouncing the names of Canadian provinces, and then advise students as to what they should *not* do. They also fail to celebrate the 50th episode. Many outtakes are provided. ... [ listen ]

The Oxford Comma: A Solution. Eliza Doolittle. The Oxford Comma has once again raised its nasty little head in linguistic circles, thanks largely to the efforts of one Ms Truss and her book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves. It is time once and for all to put this little beast to rest. (No, not Ms Truss, you moron--the Oxford Comma). For those of you wondering what the Oxford Comma (OC) actually is, I have one question: what on earth are you doing reading an up-market linguistic magazine like this? So for your delectation and delight here is a definition of the OC: it’s the insertion of a comma after the penultimate item in a list, just before the and--for example, ‘coffee, cream, and ... [ more ]

Gothic for Travellers. A. Judzis, the Visigoth. Making friends Hints for the traveller: The Goths are a very friendly and gregarious people. They will be quick to invite you to their homes for special ceremonies and entertainments. They also have hot tempers, so don't turn down an invitation to go home with a Goth. Good conversation starters are death, torture, eating and drinking. What do you do?, hwa taw-yis thoo, 𐍈𐌰 𐍄𐌰𐌿𐌾𐌹𐍃 𐌸𐌿 I'm a... ik im... 𐌹̈𐌺 𐌹́𐌼 tax collector, mow-tar-ees, 𐌼𐍉𐍄𐌰𐍂𐌴𐌹𐍃 harlot, kahl-kyo, ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part IV — Statistical Machine Translation. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. We will dispense with the preliminaries, and get to the meat of the matter. For the next installment in our Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, we will turn our attention to statistical machine translation, using semi- automatically aligned texts: ... Next time: Phonetics vs. Phonology with guest cartoonist Hilário Parenchyma. References, Booth, A. D. L. Brandwood, and J. P. Cleave (1958). Mechanical resolution of linguistic problems. Butterworths Scientific Publications. Brown, P. S. Della Pietra, V. Della Pietra, and R. Mercer (1991). “The ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 九—Lexicostatistics vs. Glottochronology. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. If you are new to Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, please review back issues of this journal. Now let us consider the fundamental difference between Lexicostatistics and Glottochronology: Lexicostatistics Glottochronology Up next: Feeding and Bleeding with guest cartoonist Erin Taylor. References, Arndt, Walter W. (1959). “The performance of glottochronology in Germanic”. Language, 35, 180-192. Bergsland, Knut; & Vogt, Hans. (1962). “On the validity of glottochronology”. Current Anthropology, 3, 115-153. Chretien, Douglas ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part I—Non-Configurational Languages. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. A. Mathematician Friend¹ once told me that, in mathematics, it is sometimes said that if you cannot explain the basic outline of a mathematical idea to a bright and interested 10-year-old, then you don’t really understand it yourself. That got me thinking, and I’ve come to a couple of conclusions: According to my 10-year-old niece, I don’t understand any mathematical ideas. Something similar could be said for linguistic ideas.² It is generally accepted that math is hard (Davis & Hersh, Friend, Lakoff & ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part B—Ergativity. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. As set forth in the previous installment (on non-configurational languages), our goal is to illustrate important concepts in linguistics via cartoons. (And, as mentioned last time, in so doing perhaps illustrate our own mastery of the material!) For our next foray into the Cartoon Theory of Linguistics, I present the following visual explanation of ergativity: ... Next time, we’ll look at morphological typology. References, Anderson, Stephen R. (1985). Inflectional morphology. In T. Shopen (Ed.), Language typology and syntactic description: Grammatical categories and the ... [ more ]

An Iñupik Linguistic Fragment (or, the Last Grammarian); by Metalleus; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — The following fragment was found in a shoe box at Indiana University. It was translated by Metalleus with the help of a Phi Beta Kappa key. The author is unknown. (Read by Trey Jones.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

A Love/Hate Relationship: Pesky Antonyms. Jessie Sams, Stephen F. Austin State University. When students get to college, the majority of them have never thought about antonyms as being anything more than “opposites.” So big is the opposite of small, just like buyer is the opposite of seller. Then, all of a sudden, students are forced into a linguistics course with a professor who tells them that they have to learn to differentiate among different types of antonyms. Student’s minds are nearly exploding with information as they have to learn definitions of terms like ‘converse’ and ‘gradable’ and ‘complementary’ in the world of ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 3—Morphological Typology. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. No need for an introduction, it was covered in previous installments (on non-configurational languages and ergativity). Instead, let us proceed to the next chapter of our Cartoon Theories of Linguistics. I have provided the following cartoonish exegesis of morphological typology for your edification: ... Up next: Statistical Machine Translation. References, Baker, Mark. (1988). Incorporation: A theory of grammatical function changing. Baker, Mark. (1996). The polysynthesis parameter. Comrie, Bernard. (1989). Language universals and linguistic typology (2nd ... [ more ]

I U Linguistics Club. Lingua Pranca. T. Ernst & E. Smith, Editors. Indiana University. June 1978. ... i u linguistics club, edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging, ... Lingua, ... Pranca, ... fleur ... T. Ernst & E. Smith, eds. ... indiana university, ... [ more ]

Variation in the English Indefinite Article. The problem of variation in the English indefinite article between the forms a and an has long vexed linguists. In his 1933 classic, Language, Bloomfield cited this case as an example of free variation at the morphological level, saying, “There seems to be no principled basis for predicting which form occurs in which contexts.” This solution was accepted by the neo-Bloomfieldians in general. It was Jespersen who first questioned the Bloomfieldian solution. In 1941, he proposed that the syntactic class of the following word determined the form of the indefinite article; specifically, an occurred before adjectives, and a before nouns. He ... [ more ]

Dates in the Month of May that Are of Interest to Linguists. James D. McCawley, University of Chicago. (Note: May, the month in which Goodspeed day is celebrated, by recently established tradition, can be seen from the following to be a linguistically auspicious month), May 2, 1919. Baudouin de Courtenay concedes defeat in his bid for the presidency of Poland. May 3, 1955. Mouton & Co. discover how American libraries order books and scheme to cash in by starting several series of books on limericks. The person given charge of this project mishears and starts several series of books on linguistics. No one ever notices the mistake. May 5, 1403. The Great English Vowel Shift begins. Giles of Tottenham calls for ale at his ... [ more ]

The Original Language of Winnie-the-Pooh. Aureliano Buendía, Universidad de Macondo. The text known in English as Winnie-the-Pooh occurs in dozens of different languages. Scholars have long debated the question of what was the original language of composition. One of the most popular hypotheses has been that the original text was written in English. The present paper will use textual evidence to demonstrate the impossibility of that hypothesis and to suggest a more likely candidate. Consider the following lines from the beginning of Chapter I in the English-language version. (1) ...here he is...ready to be introduced to you. Winnie-the-Pooh. When I first heard his name, I said, just as you are going to ... [ more ]

Phonological Theory and Language Acquisition; by Notker Balbulus, Monastery of St. Gall; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 1998. — Gildea has argued that modern phonological theorizing suffers from a tendency toward over application of a particular insight. That is, a particular theory is developed to deal with a particular sort of problem, which it handles well. However, the theory's creators, emboldened by their success, and eager to win a Kuhnian victory over their rivals, then start applying the theory willy-nilly to areas for which it is not well-suited. (Read by David J. Peterson.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

λ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song); by Christine Collins; From Volume CLXII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian,; June 2011. — let me have your heart and i will give you love / the denotation of my soul is the above / if there’s anything i lack, it’s you / as my double brackets, you make me mean things / i can’t say enough (Used with permission.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Thirteen Untranslatable Words. by Michael Covarrubias. I’m a language lover. I have been since I was a kid. Just about eleven months after being born, I started saying words and I’ve been using them ever since. I probably use words every day and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. After a while, we language lovers have a hard time learning more about our native language. That’s why we branch out to memorize other languages. It can be hard though, because a lot of foreign languages have words in them that we just can’t translate into English. Maybe it’s because we don’t have the concept in English, and that makes it impossible to make up a label for the concept. Or, more interestingly, ... [ more ]

This leaflet was produced by the Council On Morpheme Abuse (COMA) to increase public awareness of the most recent health hazards — What is a Morpheme? Morphemes are the elements obtained by breaking down the flower of language. They are also present in the roots and stems. It is not yet known exactly what constitutes a morpheme, but it is agreed that almost all verbiage, however innocent it may appear, contains these insidious ingredients. What are Some Common Terms for Morphemes? Among those acquainted with morpheme use you may hear the slang terms “morph” or “formation”. Uneducated users refer to the morpheme as a “word” (possibly related to “weed”). One type of morpheme is commonly ... [ more ]

The Phonetician’s Love Poem; by Epiphanios o Phantasiopliktos; From Volume CLXI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian,; February 2011. — Sweet modulations of fundamental frequency / Air particles dancing to and fro (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Love Queries of a Linguist; by John Miaou; From Volume CLVII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian,; November 2009. — If I were a stop, would you be my explosion? If I were a nasal, would you be my syllabification? (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part ζ—Physics vs. Physics Envy. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Introductions are superfluous for those who have been keeping up. Now, to the heart of the matter, in which we discuss the long-recognized but little-discussed travesty of unconfidence in our field of study: ... Up next: Diachronic vs Synchronic. References, Cohen, Joel E. (1971). “Mathematics as Metaphor: a review of Dynamical System Theory in Biology. Vol. 1, Stability Theory and Its Applications by Robert Rosen.” Science, New Series, Vol. 172, No. 3984. Dymetman, Marc. (1998). “Group Theory and Computational ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 13—Langue vs. Parole. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Please familiarize yourself with earlier installments of Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, available in previous issues of this journal. Now, to the meat of the matter—an illustration of the most crucial distinction between Langue and Parole: Langue vs Parole Coming up: Gricean Implicature. References, Culler, Jonathan. 1976. Saussure. de Saussure, Ferdinand. 1916. Cours de linguistique générale. Edited by C. Bally and A. Sechehaye, with the collaboration of A. Riedlinger. Godel, R. 1957. Les sources manuscrites du Cours de ... [ more ]

Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric. Rhetoric has been a topic of academic interest for, approximately, forever. Below are detailed a number of special types of rhetorical argument, some of which (eg, (3)) have been observed since the time of Aristotle [Aristotle] and before. Others (eg, (1)) have been clearly recognized only within the last century [eg, Davis and Hersh]. Some of these (eg, (2)) have never been explicitly delineated before. The uses of rhetoric are manifold and many explications of such have been made before, which this paper will not repeat. Proof by Intimidation, A: What do you think about objection X?, B: That's silly!, Proof by Loudness, A: What do you think about objection X?, B: That's VERY ... [ more ]

Psammeticus Press www.specgram.com/psammeticuspress/, BOOKS, SERIES, and MORE The following valuable volumes, spectacular series, and interesting items have been released with pride by Psammeticus Press, an academic publishing house founded in honor of the first and purest of linguistic inquirers: one might criticize his methods, but who could quibble with his results? Follow the links below to learn more about these fabulous books and excellent series, each destined to become a classic in the field. The Prescriptivist Handbook, 213th Edition from The Editors of Psammeticus Press Published 2024. 150 pages Since its first edition in 1811, The Prescriptivist Handbook has helped countless people prevent the ... [ more ]

Val Harmony; by Edgar Allan Slater; From Volume XVI, Number 1 of Langue du Monde, The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, September 1991. — It was many and many a year ago, In a tower of ivory, That a maiden there lived who I did love, By the name of Val Harmony (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

The Quotta and the Quottiod. Punctuation Designed for Linguists, by Linguists. Vére Çélen, l’École de SpecGram, Cheboksary, Chuvashia. It is not news to linguists that particular forms of punctuation can be problematic. One frequent source of considerable friction in certain circles is the unending debate over whether and when (and, increasingly, why) commas and periods go inside or outside quotation marks—especially when they are not actually part of the material to be quoted. Typically careful linguists usually prefer not to include punctuation in a quoted citation form or gloss, while many punctilious punctuationally prescriptivist publishers demand they be ... [ more ]

Language Acquisition Device Found. Associated Linguists Press (ALP); April 2006. At a recent press conference in Istanbul Prof. I. Jones, chief on-site archeologist at an excavation of an Upper Paleolithic site in central Turkey, made an announcement that stunned the linguistics community: a language acquisition device, or “LAD” has been found. The LAD has long been the object of speculation among linguists and cognitive scientists concerned with the evolutionary origins and nature of language, but until now no one had actually seen one. The unexpected find was credited to a linguistics graduate student who had fortuitously volunteered to work at the dig site. During the usual painstaking process of brushing ... [ more ]

The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature. Welcome to Online Selections from The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature, researched, compiled, and edited by the lexicographers, etymologists, and philologists of Speculative Grammarian. The editors of Speculative Grammarian are delighted to present selections of the fifty-volume lexicographic opus, The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature, online for the first time ever. The Compleat Encyclopaedia is a one-of-a-kind resource, compiled ... [ more ]

Towards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”. Saussure defined the sign as the union of the signifier and the signified. Steinmetz emphasized the importance of the interactional element. Burma-Shave proposed that a sign could only be understood in the context of adjacent signs. Modern linguistics has elaborated the concept of the sign system. The Brittanica World Language Dictionary defines a sign as “noun...6 Any mark used in musical notation, as a flat or a sharp...9 In scripture, a miraculous deed as a proof of divine commission or supernatural power; a miracle...11 In hunting, a trace left by an animal; spoor...” The dictionary’s definitions are plainly nearer the truth ... [ more ]

Language Acquisition Device Found; by R. Davis; From Volume CLI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian,; April 2006. — At a recent press conference in Istanbul Prof. I. Jones, chief on-site archeologist at an excavation of an Upper Paleolithic site in central Turkey, made an announcement that stunned the linguistics community: a language acquisition device, or “LAD” has been found. (Read by Trey Jones.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

LingDoku—Like SuDoku, But For Linguists. Trey Jones, l’École de SpecGram, Washington D.C.. The Japanese number/logic game SuDoku ... has become all the rage around the globe of late, and in a shameless attempt to cash in on that popularity, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to concoct a SuDoku-like activity for Linguists. Traditional SuDoku requires a certain amount of logical reasoning and subtle consideration of the evidence which many linguists probably find time-consuming, labor-intensive, and boring. LingDoku simplifies the logical components of SuDoku, and introduces a thin veneer of linguistics which confuses outsiders while making linguists feel superior. The rules of ... [ more ]

“Language” Characteristics in Certain Higher Primates—(Professors of Education); by Charles Bishop; From Son of Lingua Pranca, November, 1979 — Scientists have long recognized that the average professor of education is remarkably close to man himself in brain capacity and physiology, and we have all marvelled at how human they sometimes appear. Yet these creatures—far more intelligent than the chimpanzees with whom they are often compared—seem unable to use language, and until recently it was assumed that they were incapable of learning any form of true human language. (Read by Les Strabismus.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IV — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the anatomical oddities of phoneticians, the fact that Big Brother may now be watching your every word, and more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and discuss Twitter Feedback from “fans” of the show. Someone leaves the tape running too long, but power through it for an explosive musical bonus at the end of the episode. ... [ listen ]

A New Mechanism For Contact-Induced Change: Evidence From Maritime Languages. H.D. Onesimus, Gobi Institute of Maritime Linguistics, Lanzhou, China. Modern contact linguistics has demonstrated an impressive ability to account for language change and the emergence of new languages with a remarkably small number of mechanisms: bilingualism, creolization, borrowing, and convergence (also known as “smart drift”). However, a few intractable situations of language contact seemingly cannot be accounted for in terms of this elegant system (notable examples include Wutun, Ma’a and Texas English). In this article, I show how the long-standing problem of Penguin and the Cetacean languages reveals a new type of ... [ more ]

Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists. Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr. Chairman, Department of Lexicology and Glottometrics, Devonshire-upon-Glencullen University, Southampton While sitting in the Linguistics Lounge the other day, I overheard some first-year grad students discussing the day’s Spanish class. My eavesdropping turned out to be much more interesting than I had anticipated. I must interject here that several faculty members and grad students had fought against the idea of first-years fulfilling their foreign language reading requirement with Spanish. Objections ranged from the dearth of academic linguistics material published in Spanish to the commonly accepted ease of ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part XI—Prescriptivism vs. Descriptivism. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Those in need of an introduction to Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, please review previous installments in the series. Now let us consider the finer distinctions between Prescriptivism and Descriptivism: Prescriptivism Descriptivism Coming up: Syllables. References, Bessant C. A. M. McEnery (1992). Computational Linguistics: A Handbook & Toolbox for Natural Language Processing. Cameron, D. (2004). Verbal Hygiene. Gleason, H. A. (1961). An Introduction to Descriptive Linguistics. Johnstone, B. and D. Baumgardt. (2004). ‘Pittsburghese’ ... [ more ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part J—Feeding and Bleeding. Erin Taylor¹, Cal State Fullerton. Those unacquainted with the form and purpose of the Cartoon Theories of Linguistics can probably fake it if they are able to locate previous installments of this series. Let us turn our attention to Feeding and Bleeding Rules, as explained by Erin Taylor: Feeding and Bleeding Rules, Next time: Prescriptivism vs. Descriptivism. References, Baron, W. (1983). “Cases of counter-feeding in Fas.” Language and Linguistics in Melanesia. Blumenfeld, L. (2003) “Counterfeeding, derived environment effects, and comparative markedness”. Theoretical Linguistics, Vol. 29, No. ... [ more ]

The Linguistic Singularity and the Linguistic Multiverse; by Mikio Chachu; From Volume CLX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian,; December 2010. — The tripe piles higher and deeper in the pages of SpecGram, a journal I once respected, as so-called “linguophysicists” barely worthy enough to utter the name of our noble profession spew out wholly inappropriate and wildly unsupported theories of Big Linguistic Crunches, Rips, Freezes, and Bounces. While the immature pretenders to cosmolinguistics paddle around in the shallow end, the true deep thinkers have deeply pondered the deep future. Their deep conclusions are deeply profound. (Read by Joey Whitford.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 14—Gricean Implicature. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Welcome to the Cartoon Theories of Linguistics! If you are new to the series, where have you been? We’ve been doing this for almost two years! Go back to the beginning (SpecGram CLII.1) if you need to, to understand our mission: [W]e should be able to reduce the essence of important linguistic concepts to something we can explain to that bright, interested 10-year-old. In fact, I contend that we can boil the essence right down to something we can explain in a cartoon. Now, to the heart of this installment—an illustration of the different types of ... [ more ]

Modern and Historical Graphical Representations of Structural Relationships in Spoken and Written English Sentential Utterances. selected and presented, with commentary, by, Nattapoŋ Yunloŋ Seuŋyoŋ BFE University, Waikikamukau, New Zealand With the mild splash created last year by Florey’s small but sincere homage, Sister Bernadette’s Barking Dog, sentence diagramming (Figure 1) was momentarily en vogue. Of course, it didn’t last long, as any student of the field could have predicted, because diagramming sentences is generally quite a boring task. The general population will look cursorily at a cleverly diagrammed sentence, in much the way they look at car wrecks on the ... [ more ]

Top Tips For Linguists—Part I; by The SpecGram Editorial Board; From Volume CLXXIV, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian,; November 2015 — Realizing that many linguists, young and old, find themselves unsure of how best to succeed (or have success thrust upon them), we of the Speculative Grammarian Editorial Board have assembled a collection of high-impact protips that will help any linguist achieve their full potential—and then some! (Read by The SpecGram Players.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Dear Sirs: When Mommy fell asleep at the computer during her third straight all-nighter and accidentally erased her doctoral thesis, I wrote this to help her out. She graduated with honors, and so I thought I’d do a paper on it and send it to you, since I’ve heard it’s your kind of thing. Please do not print my full name with this article, because I am not allowed to use Mommy’s computer at all. Thanks, Suzy X. P.S. My little brother Jimmy also contributed to this work, but I only let him touch the computer once. The Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults’ Average MLU at the Breakfast Table. Jimmy and I have always thought that the way Mommy and Daddy act in the morning has something to do with how ... [ more ]

Ambiguity In Action: A Bawdy Count. Norman C. Stageberg, University of Northern Iowa. One major source of humor is found in the many and various situations of everyday life, both as they occur in actuality and as they are refined and recounted in literature. A second major source of humor is language itself in its many aspects. One of these aspects is ambiguity. This is our subject for today: ambiguity in language and the pranks it plays. First, however, I believe that every gathering of people to pursue a serious subject should have a motto to give direction and purpose to their thoughts. So, I offer as a motto for us on this solemn occasion a sign that I once saw outside a dance hall near Iowa City. It goes like this: Clean ... [ more ]

Rebus. by Wulfila Bruinne, M.F.A. Ph.D. University of North Oodaaq. This puzzle is worth 3 points. ... Lingo Jumble—Orang Pendek, D.Sc. and Orang Mawas, Litt.D. ... E’s-y Cryptogram—Prof. Dr. phil. habil. Erlösende Einigkeit, ... SpecGram Vol CLVII, No η Contents, ... [ more ]

An Introduction to, Linguistics in Haiku Form. Anonymous. linguistic theory, hidden representations, to surface structures phonology is, sound patterns of languages, phonemes, allophones phonetics is sounds, articulation of them, acoustics, hearing comp. linguistics is, theory into efficient, implementation morphology is, if same structure, same meaning, then it’s a morpheme syntactic theory, blah blah chomsky chomsky blah, blah chomsky blah blah ... [ more ]

Son of Lingua Pranca. T. Ernst & E. Smith, Editors. Indiana University. IULC. November 1979. ... edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging edging, ... Son of, ^ Lingua, ... Pranca, ... fleur ... T. Ernst & E. Smith, eds. ... indiana university, ... i u linguistics club, ... [ more ]

Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVIII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined yet again by returning guest Tim Pulju. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss automating historical linguistic reconstructions, and then discuss ideas for new linguistics- and language-themed holidays. ... [ listen ]

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 12—Syllables. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. To review the earlier Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, please seek out previous installments in the series in this journal. Now let us consider the most important aspects of syllables and their structure: Syllables Next time: Langue vs. Parole. References, Bagemihl, Bruce. (1991). “Syllable structure in Bella Coola”. Linguistic Inquiry 22: 589-646. Davis, Philip W. & Ross Saunders. (1979). “Bella Coola phonology”. Lingua 49: 169-187. Fujimura, O. (1975). “Syllable as a unit of speech recognition”. Acoustics, Speech, and Signal Processing ... [ more ]

The Speculative Grammarian AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠. On several occasions, mention has been made of the AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠ in the pages of SpecGram; in the current epoch, these references date back as early as at least 2004.¹ In the following years there have been denials,² mentions,³ more⁴ mentions,⁵ leaked internal documents,⁶ and even some early oral history⁷ (accompanied as it was by additional denials). Throughout this time the consistent official stance of the Editorial board of SpecGram has been to deny that the AutoGrammatikon™ exists, ... [ more ]

Linguistic Deskwork; by H.D. Onesimus; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian,; January 2005 — Since the so-called ‘discovery’ of endangered languages, much breathless attention in linguistics has been devoted to the topic of methods for linguistic fieldwork. So much breathless attention, in fact, that our field is in danger of losing its foundational and most critical resource: the linguistic deskworker. (Read by Keith Slater.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

X-bar Diagram Acquisition. Tel Monks. I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. —Gertrude Stein¹ The year 2007 marked the thirtieth anniversary of Jackendoff (1977), the book that made the following diagram such a part of the linguist’s life.² (1) ... The intervening 30 years have seen the X-bar provide the basis for more utterances than can be imagined³ with increasingly complex examples, such as (a personal favourite): (2) ... Unfortunately, the original English sentence has been lost, and we can only offer conjecture as to the utterer’s intent. However, in the euphoria that X-bar diagrams have brought to linguistic ... [ more ]

Noam Chomsky’s Syntactic Structures. Noam Chomsky. Syntactic Structures. The Hague: Mouton & Co. 1957. This slim volume, first published in 1957 and occasionally reprinted since then, has attracted surprisingly little attention in linguistic circles. It is unfortunate that this is the case, for in the book Chomsky proposes a truly innovative approach to syntactic problems which have plagued linguists since the days of Bloomfield. Essentially, Chomsky proposes that actual utterances should be understood as surface structures which have been derived from more basic deep structures by means of transformations. For instance, the sentence “Sir Egbert was devoured by the dragon” (my example, not ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian is proud to present yet another irregular installment in the Linguistic Anthropologic Monograph Endowment’s Bizarre Grammars of the World Series. Hunting the Elusive Labio-Nasal. An Anthropological Linguistic Study of the Beeg Haan Krrz⁰. Bizarre Grammars of the World, Vol. 57, Introduction The now well-known clicks found in certain African languages must have come as quite a shock to the first European linguists who heard them. Many of the sounds were familiar, of course, but the idea that they could be a component of language had to have been hard to believe. Even now the languages of Africa have secrets to share—note the ... [ more ]

The Scrabble Cheaters’ Dictionary. provided as a service to our readers, by Speculative Grammarian. Have you ever backed yourself into a corner, lexicographically speaking—while playing Scrabble, or chatting around the water cooler at work, or telling tall tales at the pub? The story is an unfortunate but familiar one: a linguist, polyglot, or other linguaphile finds themselves in the heady position of declaiming to the untutored masses on the subject of a particular word, only to realize that perhaps they’ve over-reached, and no such word exists. A standard fallback position in such a situation is to claim certainty that the word in question—while the details may ... [ more ]

A Preliminary Field Guide to Linguists, Part One. Athanasious Schadenpoodle, University of Nueva Escranton. Introduction While naturalists have long observed the behaviors of some of the better-known families within the Order Academica, producing for the lay person such fascinating and useful volumes as Jane's Guide to Physicists and The Sierra Club Picture Guide to Psychologists, the Family Linguistica has so far not been shown a great deal of attention. This is, in part, justifiable--the small numbers of linguists, and their comparatively drab plumage, draws fewer amateur naturalists. Still, there is a need for at least one major publication on the subject. While the ... [ more ]

Personal Ads for Linguists—including linguists of every kind seeking romance, academic partnerships, and more—all with that special SpecGram twist. N.B.: Information in personal ads is provided by the submitters. The editors and publishers of Speculative Grammarian are not responsible for their content, including, but not limited to, typos, spelling mistakes, poor grammar, bad judgment, factual errors, bald-faced lies, or lapses in national security ... [ more ]

How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork. by the SpecGram Editorial Board. The thing is is that fieldwork is expensive, and yet we have to somehow pay for it. Or we won’t get to do it. And really, heaven help the poor soul who can’t pay for a trip even to Tahiti, and has to try to come up with some topic on English syntax that hasn’t already been beaten like a dead metaphor. At SpecGram, our interest is is to help people in this kind of situation. So, in the interest of new data (or, should we say, in the interest of no more old English data), and out of a sense of selfless devotion to the betterment of Ph.D. students all across Linguistica, the SpecGram editorial board has pulled together ... [ more ]

A 21^st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform. by H. Sanderson Chambers III, Associate Professor of English at an elite northeastern university that costs more in tuition and fees for one semester than most people earn in a lifetime, (I can't tell you the university's name, but it rhymes with Little Gary). As is well-known to all educated people--and if it's not well-known to you, then you're not one of us--the early part of the 20^th century was the heyday of the Simplified Spelling movement, which sought to reform English spelling on the grounds that it was "mard by absurdities and inconsistencies". So what, you might say? Well, among other things, the simplifiers claimed that the spelling system ... [ more ]

The Tribesman; by Aya Katz & Leslie Fish; From Volume CXLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 1993 —— Once a fieldworker hiked into unknown terrain, / Seeking someone to question, he came. / When he asked of the natives what language they spoke / There was one who was glad to explain. / Behind lay a linguist, as well as a saint, / Who would translate the Bible for them. / Would decipher the code of their language so quaint, / And secure for himself lasting fame. (Performed by Leslie Fish.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

Point: Why Linguistics is Not a Science. [Editor’s Note: This opinion piece is the first of a contrasting pair discussing the relationship between Linguistics and Science. The opposing piece will run in the next issue of SpecGram.] While many have claimed, and probably rightly so, that Linguistics suffers from a bad case of Physics Envy, it is Mathematics, the Queen of the Sciences, which is best suited to provide a role model for bringing some sorely needed rigor to the field. Any practicing mathematician will speak of the crucial role intuition plays in the formulation of ideas--the mysterious spark, the gut feeling, the leap of faith that points the way to a difficult but elegant theorem ... [ more ]

Notes on the Kzinti Language. by Arthur T. Saxtorph. The Kzinti, our spacefaring rat-cat neighbors, have not been studied in any detail from a linguistic or even generally cognitive point of view. We have been, until the recent treaty, much too busy finding ways of killing them to worry with more intellectual pursuits. Now, though, the situation has changed, and we have a chance to consider the Kzinti and their language, and what that tells us about the workings of their minds, and in turn perhaps the workings of our own minds. Very little ground work has been done, and so much yet remains to be accomplished; but here I will try to summarize the knowledge that we have gained so far, to aid future researchers. Much of the ... [ more ]

Re-Rating the World’s Languages. Waxaklahun Ubah K’awil, and, José Felipe Hernandez y Fernandez, University of Sprouts, Brussels. In 1991, Dikembe Mutombo and John Thompson rocked the world of linguistics with their iconoclastic article “Rating the World’s Languages”. With the bold statement that “the canard of linguistic equality has to be abandoned by anyone wanting to be a realistic student of language,” Mutombo and Thompson opened the door to what should have been a new era in applied linguistics. But that didn’t happen. Though it would indubitably make an interesting thesis topic in the field of History of Science or Psychology of Academia, the reasons for this ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian is proud to present yet another increasingly regular installment in the Linguistic Anthropologic Monograph Endowment’s Bizarre Grammars of the World Series. Eating the Wind. An Anthropological Linguistic Study of the Xoŋry ⁰. Bizarre Grammars of the World, Vol. 58, Introduction. The people who call themselves “the Xoŋry ” comprise not a single people and language, but rather a surprisingly large constellation of small, related tribes¹ speaking a surprisingly large constellation of large, related languages.² The Xoŋry are spread over several thousand square miles of desolate and mostly unclaimed territory ... [ more ]

Summer Puzzle Mega Issue Solutions. Scrambled Linguist—Trey Jones ნიკოლოზ იაკობის ძე მარი (though “Nicholas Marr” was also accepted). ... Self-Defining Puzzle—Swivelhips Smith, D.Phil. NP vs Np # is rotated 90° S vs Q at root .—? vs ? differences vs diferences two vs 2 line length for MD—Can Knights of the Linguistic Roundtable—Fergus Falls-Brainerd VOICELESSNESS Lingo Jumble—Orang Pendek, D.Sc. and Orang Mawas, Litt.D. ... [ more ]

Indo-European Crossword Puzzle No. 1. Complete the crossword by supplying the Indo-European root suggested by the reflexes glossed for each number, using forms given in Pokorny's Indogermanisches etymologisches Wörterbuch (1959). Treat aspirated (b^h, etc.) and labialized (k^u̯, etc.) stops as a single character. Omit marks of vowel length and accent, but distiguish palatal and velar stops, syllabics and non-syllabics, vowels and semi-vowels. The first one has been done for you. ACROSS, 1. Gk. ἔρεβος ‘underworld, darkness’ 5. Lat. angustus ‘narrow’ 9. Gk. μή ‘(that) ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian Youth Research Focus is proud to bring you the finest language-related research by the world’s school-aged youth. Grey Duck or Goose?, Mapping variation in a children’s game in Minnesota. Fifth Grade Science Fair Project, by Sven Slater and Ollie Bickford, J. O. Nelson Public School, St. Cloud, Minnesota, USA. Research Question. Last year, a new kid named Tyler P. joined our fourth grade class. Tyler was from Illinois or some other southern state, and she told us that down there kids play “duck, duck, goose,” instead of “duck, duck, grey duck” like we do here in Minnesota. We thought this was strange, even for the South, but then we ... [ more ]

“Double-Dot Wide O / Nasal-Ingressive Voiceless Velar Trill” by J–––– J––––––. From Speculative Grammarian CLI.3; July 2006. Reviewed by Jonathan van der Meer. ... Double-Dot Wide O, Spoiler Alert !. It’s been more than eight years, so I’m going to go ahead and let you in on a little secret: the nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trill is a pig snort, and the double-dot wide O looks like a pig snout. (Some phoneticians will argue that they themselves produce a uvular trill. They probably do—especially when reading journals less interesting than SpecGram—but ... [ more ]

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Yet Another Mega Quote Issue Volume CLI, Number 1; January 2006, Speculative Grammarian, Vol CLI, No 1, The Lifestyle Magazine, for Linguists, MANAGING EDITOR, Trey Jones, EDITOR EMERITUS, Tim Pulju, SENIOR EDITOR, Keith Slater, ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Bryan Allen, Adam Baker, Candace Cardinal, Teal Doggett, Daniel Currie Hall, Martin Hilpert, Steven Lulich, Kean Kaufmann, Sheila McCann, Ken Miner, Michael Niv, Jamin Pelkey, Mikael Thompson, Nathan, Sanders, Bill Spruiell, Rob van der Sandt, Adam, Ussishkin, Joey Whitford, ... [ more ]

Speech Disorders as Indicators of, Potential for Lyrical Success. by Ozzie Tchomzkij, Rock Glossologist to the Stars. In recent decades, there has been a subtle shift in popular music, as the idea that the human voice itself can be considered an instrument, rather than merely a delivery system for lyrics, has gained widespread acceptance among the general public. This has led to the recognition and thus to the success of such singers as Kate Bush, Cyndi Lauper, and Pat Benatar, whose ethereal voices have a purity of tone unmatched among mere mortals. Most singers looking to make a name for themselves, though, do not have the kind of staggering talent that, for example, the divine Kate Bush does. However, those who are ... [ more ]

Morphemes: A New Threat to Society; by Susan Wishnetsky; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — This leaflet was produced by the Council On Morpheme Abuse (COMA) to increase public awareness of the most recent health hazards. (Read by Trey Jones.) ... [ listen ] ... [ read the article ]

A Primer in, SF Xenolinguistics. - eep opp ork ah-ah -, Justin B. Rye. — - ash nazg durbatulûk -, Table of Contents. Fantasy Exotic Tongues—An Introduction, Let’s Speak Alien—In Ten Easy Lessons, The Unspeakable—And The Unthinkable, Universal Translators—A Buyer’s Guide, CETI for Beginners—Little Green Manuals — - borag thungg -, FANTASY EXOTIC TONGUES—An Introduction. If you’ve reached the online version of this article chasing the search-string “ +fantasy +exotic +tongues ” then I’m afraid you’ve probably come to ... [ more ]

The Linguist’s Self-Definer for Humanistic, Greek and Latin Lingo— and other terms. Compiled by R.L. Rankin with much help and many suggestions from far and wide, Michael Henderson, Bob Binnick, Andrew Sihler, Ken Miner, and others.. vowol harmono, ümlaut, dithsimilation, to back formate, metasethis, epentthesis, aprothesis, anapityxis, folk ate-a-mology, execrescence, foneme, agglutinatinglanguages, apfricate, analogician, -pheresis, haspiration, aphas.... diphthoung, kpoarticulated stop, compēsatory lengthening, condamination, diäeresis, díäçrîti̇č digræph, gemminnattion, gloʔalization, metophony, monophtong, ... [ more ]

A Short History of American Linguistics*. Tim Pulju. Reprinted, with permission, from Historiographia Linguistica, XVIII:1.221-246 (1991), with minor updates and a new afterword by the author. *It has occurred to the Editor of this Journal [Historiographia Linguistica] that the History of Linguistics as an academic subject has sufficiently progressed during the past fifteen or more years to allow for this spoof to be printed in HL without being mistaken for proper scholarship. Indeed, after all the drudgery of historical research and the seriousness of reflection on matters of methodology and philosophical argument, we may be permitted to enjoy some lighter moments in our day-to-day ... [ more ]

Why Linguistics is Not a Science. The SpecGram Editorial Board. In a couple of recent editorials we have answered several of the questions most frequently submitted by SpecGram readers. Since the publication of those editorials, by far the most common question received in our offices has been, “Could please furnish us with your bank account number so we can transfer payment to you?” We cannot in good conscience accede to this request, as it violates a number of constraints and therefore suffers from what we like to call “fatal infelicity.” Another frequent question, though, is more worthy of our attention, (though only due to its being fifth on the frequency list) and it is to that more ... [ more ]

LingDoku II. More, Better, Harder. Trey Jones, l’École de SpecGram, Washington D.C.. In the April issue, Speculative Grammarian made a shameless attempt to cash in on the popularity of the Japanese number/logic game SuDoku by concocting a SuDoku-like activity suitable for Linguists. Our original LingDoku puzzle simplified the logical reasoning component of traditional SuDoku, and introduced a thin veneer of linguistics to create an artificial barrier to participation for non-linguists. The solution to last issue’s puzzle is given here. In all likelihood it is the correct solution, but nothing in life is certain. Well, as it turns out, the original LingDoku puzzle is ... [ more ]

Linguistic Topology. I. Juana Pelota-Grande, Centre den Geometrik Linguistiken . That many groups of human languages are sprung from some common source is obvious to any student of the subject, whether linguist, philologist, or polyglot. However, the detailed nature of these genetic relationships is often difficult to unambiguously determine--and likely the subject of heated debate. The impressive array of analytic methods brought to bear on the problem is a testament to the inherent difficulty of the task. However, one of the human species' most amazing tools for analysis--vision--has never been fully and properly applied to the problem. Language and vision are two towering pillars of ... [ more ]

Spaghetti or Lasagna for Linguists. LSA Committee on Comestibles in Linguistics. In order to understand various types of linguists better, we conducted a controlled experiment. Very simply, we asked each linguist “Do you want spaghetti or lasagna for dinner?” We think the replies we got are instructive, and so we are sharing them with you. Classical Generative Phonologist: “Whether it’s spaghetti or lasagna will be predictable from context. Give me either one, and call it ‘pasta.’ ” Structuralist: “Both. Neither one will have any flavor unless I can compare them.” Typologist: “Spaghetti. It’s a more prototypical instance of the ... [ more ]

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Black Leather Issue, Volume CL, Number 2; April 2005, Special Interactive 3D content, Speculative Grammarian, Vol CL, No 2, MANAGING EDITOR, Trey Jones, EDITOR EMERITUS, Tim Pulju, SENIOR EDITOR, Keith Slater, ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Bryan Allen, Mark de Vries, Martin Hilpert, Edward Johnson, Steven Lulich, Sheila McCann, Jamin Pelkey, Mikael Thompson, Bill Spruiell, Rob van der Sandt, Joey Whitford, There is no spoon. ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian. Volume CXLVII, Number 1. January 1993. Speculative Grammarian, Vol CXLVII, No 1 EDITOR, Tim Pulju ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Trey Jones, Aya Katz, Rob Norris, Don Reindl, Lynn Poulton, Keith Slater, EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES, Dave Kathman, Bill Spruiell, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, Duke of, Earl, Earl, Earl, ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian proudly re-presents “The Uncanny Science of Linguistic Reconstruction” by Timothy Pulju. Originally presented at TEDxDartmouth 2011. ©2011 TEDxDartmouth; licensed under the Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0). ... [ watch ]

The Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis, and Futurological Linguistics. Recently I found myself "fortunate enough to find such occasion" (Pyles & Algeo, P.46) as to weasel the word boustrophedon into a conversation. After having expounded on the many joyous properties of this word, I entreated my fellow conversational participant to remember the word, and attempt to become one of those few and proud who have used it casually in non-academia. In a subsequent discourse with my native English speaking informant, I asked her to recall the illustrious word. Her response was plummerfeld. After a brief laugh at her misrecollection, we considered its cause. This issue has taken up much of my thought and time, and I have ... [ more ]

Gavagai with Peppers (serves 4) Many tasty gavagai recipes were brought from the jungle by linguists and missionaries in the first half of the 20^th century. After the publication of Quine’s Word and Object they gained popularity among philosophers, though the book’s underlying idea was soon attacked from linguistic circles. As an unfortunate consequence, gavagai recipes emanating from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology tend to be inedible. In most gavagai recipes quantities are vague, as is the exact nature of the meat to be used. Many recipes prescribe sundry undetached rabbit parts as a basic ingredient. The following is an exception. Ingredients 800g of properly detached rabbit parts ... [ more ]

How They Do It In Linguistics. James Crippen. Sociolinguists do it with variety. Phonologists do it with deviation. Professors do it for tenure. Psycholinguists do it with reliable effects. Theorists do it in armchairs. Field linguists do it with the whole village. Cognitivists do it with mental imagery. Acquisitionists do it with families. L2 acquisitionists do it in classrooms. Computationalists do it with corpora. Generativists do it with bindings. (Recursively!), Typologists do it with everyone. Comparativists do it the longest. Creolists do it in colonies. Grad students do it for the experience. Phoneticians do it in booths. Comparativists do it over millennia. Syntacticians do it with trees. Semanticians do it with ... [ more ]

Linguistic Contributions To The Formal Theory Of Big-Game Hunting¹. R. Mathiesen, Brown University. The Mathematical Theory of Big-Game Hunting must surely be ranked among the major scientific achievements of the twentieth century. That this is so is largely the work of one man, H. Pétard, in whose fundamental paper (1938) certain recent advances in mathematics and physics were employed with great skill to create a theory of unmatched—not to say unmatchable!—power and elegance. One must not, of course, dismiss Pétard’s predecessors totally out of hand: the field had a long and distinguished history as a technology, was raised to the rank of a science by the ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian is proud to present yet another installment of indeterminate regularity in the Linguistic Anthropologic Monograph Endowment’s Bizarre Grammars of the World Series. The Laziest Language on Earth. An Anthropological Linguistic Study of the Perry So-so⁰. Bizarre Grammars of the World, Vol. 61, Introduction. Back in 1922, my Historical Linguistics professor, Benjamin Ide Wheeler, noted that ease of articulation is a driving force in language change—hence the regular occurrence of lenition rules—but the opposing need to maintain a clear communication channel prevents everything from degenerating to a long low mid vowel. Turns out ... [ more ]

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