SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]
Draw Me a Linguist.Aster E. O’Gnosis and Margo Llicso. Much has been made recently in certain circles of the stereotypical views children have of scientists, and how those views are changed after paying a visit to CERN—all reflected in the drawings of the children. (Drollette, 2010) The cliché says that children are our future, and the humanizing effect of the CERN visit on children’s perceptions may eventually be parlayed into an increase in the number of young people who choose to pursue science as a profession, which of course results in better enrollment in college courses, and thus more funding for science departments. We figured linguistics could probably use some of that action, too. ... [ more ]
How Do I Love Thee?, Let Me Draw a Tree Diagram.Alex Savoy.[Author’s Note: Quite in fitting with the approach of Valentine’s Day, I submit this love poem, which, surprisingly, actually worked—though alas I am no longer dating said person anymore, which is why I am bitterly prostituting this former declaration of love, which I have suitably altered for the occasion.] How do I love thee? Let me draw a tree diagram— I was maundering, lonely as a bilabial trill, When I first heard your voice—(some breathy strange tongue), I was love-struck at once—(after all, I was young), How rounded your mouth, And iotally perfect your skin. Your eyes are like geminates, plosive and clear, ... [ more ]
On the Proto-Indo-European Origin of ‘Twerk’.Mark Butcher & Mark Candlestick-Maker, Department of PIE Studies, Pecan University. A common question asked of linguists these days, to our collective dismay, is “What is the etymology of ‘twerk’?”1 Twerking is a dance craze with respectable origins in the New Orleans bounce music scene,2 but it has enraged millions in recent years for reasons we would rather avoid writing about. Several authors have speculated that the term is a clipping of ‘footwork’ or a portmanteau of ‘twist’ and ‘jerk’3 (foolish speculation, we know). We will make the case that the word is of ... [ more ]
Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com.Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ]
Call for Volunteers. Unfortunately, SpecGram has ceased publication, so we will no longer be needing any new volunteer editors. If you’d like to help out your favorite journal of satirical linguistics, you can join us! Volunteer Editors: We’re always looking to expand the rolls of our editorial board. Duties include proofreading new issues before they are published, advising the senior editors on various projects, contributing to collaborative articles, and even suggesting ideas for articles or projects. There’s no specific required level of participation, but it’d be great if you had time to proofread most new issues during the the last week of the month. Rewards include membership in a fairly ... [ more ]
Phonetics for the Hearing Impaired, an Autobiographical Case Study. I would almost hazard to say that the only way one could be less prepared to deal with the study of phonetics than I am is to be deaf. But then I reason that if you were deaf, you would probably know ASL or another sign language, and would be most capable (and muchly needed) to study the visual/manual equivalent of the phone. And certainly better at it than me. I've come to realize that I have a serious problem, and that my dream of becoming a phonetician may never be realized. (This isn't as bad as it sounds, I have other dreams ready to take its place.. and though I haven't asked, NASA hasn't told me no.) My problem, as all good problems can, can be blamed on our ... [ more ]
Personal Ads for Linguists—including linguists of every kind seeking romance, academic partnerships, and more—all with that special SpecGram twist. N.B.: Information in personal ads is provided by the submitters. The editors and publishers of Speculative Grammarian are not responsible for their content, including, but not limited to, typos, spelling mistakes, poor grammar, bad judgment, factual errors, bald-faced lies, or lapses in national security ... [ more ]
Psammeticus Press, www.specgram.com/psammeticuspress/, NEW BOOKThe Other Sino-Tibetan Languages, Edited by, Qing Daixia, Brad Davidley, Van Geordriem, Chap Hillerell, Hans Ingalillson, Mat Jamisoff, Ed Jerrymondson, Ben Pauledict, Hong Sunkai, Published 2006. Hardcover, 4444 pages. Price: if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. This volume fills in the considerable gaps left by Routledge’s slim 2003 volume The Sino-Tibetan Languages. Displaying an uncharacteristic lack of ambition, Thurgood and LaPolla treated, in that otherwise excellent work, less than 40 of the 400+ languages of this important family. Clearly, much work remained to be done, and we at ... [ more ]
Restored Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know, (because they aren’t actually true), gathered at great personal risk of, psycholinguistic harm from actual student papers by Madalena Cruz-Ferreira This 29th collection of students’ pearls of wisdom, laboriously digitised from hand-written papers, demonstrates once again how students new to the study of language speculate about grammar after having imperfectly absorbed what their teachers think they have taught them. Test Question— the word ‘to’. Analyse the different word classes of the word ‘to’ in the following data. She was bored to death. Nobody wants to die too soon. Answers. a. ... [ more ]
Language Evolution and the Acacia Tree.by Sean Geraint. Last year, renowned treethnographer Garik Roblerks noticed that two books on the evolution of language had strikingly similar covers. Both Christiansen & Kirby’s Language Evolution and Fitch’s The Evolution of Language boasted an acacia tree in the sunset. On closer inspection, these turned out to be different pictures of the same tree. ... A comparison of the books, by Christiansen & Kirby (left) and Fitch (right) Having spent a year tracking trees in Kenya, I can confirm that the tree is from Maasai Mara National Reserve. The tree has attracted a lot of attention since its entrance into the glamorous world of book cover design, and I ... [ more ]
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 12—Syllables.Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. To review the earlier Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, please seek out previous installments in the series in this journal. Now let us consider the most important aspects of syllables and their structure: Syllables Next time: Langue vs. Parole. References, Bagemihl, Bruce. (1991). “Syllable structure in Bella Coola”. Linguistic Inquiry 22: 589-646. Davis, Philip W. & Ross Saunders. (1979). “Bella Coola phonology”. Lingua 49: 169-187. Fujimura, O. (1975). “Syllable as a unit of speech recognition”. Acoustics, Speech, and Signal Processing ... [ more ]
The Linguistic Big Rip.by Charlie Saygone. In the; June 2010 issue, Block claims that there is an impending “Linguistic Big Crunch.” I am appalled that SpecGram would allow such tripe to be published. That sort of tripe is a grade i, on a scale of -π to 7, on the Soviet Kyrgyzstani Normalized Scale of Tripe and Other Assorted Offal (Revised 1992 Edition). The sort of tripe any physological linguist should be aiming for—and the minimum required standard for any publication—should at least approach a 3 (which is, by the way, the perfect quality level for those cheap Welsh haggis knock-offs you sometimes see). In any case, Block and colleagues at the ... [ more ]
Meet the SpecGram Editors. In response to a decades-long demand to lift the veil of near-anonymity behind which the editors of Speculative Grammarian live, lurk, and work, we have begrudgingly agreed to provide publicly for the very first time a series of brief biographical sketches of select editors. Those editors with multiple outstanding federal warrants for their arrest on charges of morphotonemic mayhem, negligent homonymicide, and suffixual assault have been excluded, upon advice from our attorneys. Two more biographical sketches are below — ... Name: William Nangishlishma Spruiell, Title: Consulting Editor, Birthdate: 12 Fleeing Weasel 15 Noise, Areas of Research: ... [ more ]
Notes on the Kzinti Language.by Arthur T. Saxtorph. The Kzinti, our spacefaring rat-cat neighbors, have not been studied in any detail from a linguistic or even generally cognitive point of view. We have been, until the recent treaty, much too busy finding ways of killing them to worry with more intellectual pursuits. Now, though, the situation has changed, and we have a chance to consider the Kzinti and their language, and what that tells us about the workings of their minds, and in turn perhaps the workings of our own minds. Very little ground work has been done, and so much yet remains to be accomplished; but here I will try to summarize the knowledge that we have gained so far, to aid future researchers. Much of the ... [ more ]
Mediated Modern Pinnacle Sherpa: An emerging logographic writing system.Keith W. Slater, Iowa Linguists’ Workshop. In Slater (2006) and Slater (2010), I reported that Pinnacle Sherpa has split into two languages. Modern Pinnacle Sherpa (MPS) has massively innovated new, media-driven evidential categories, and as a result it is no longer spoken by older people, who gave it up after being laughed at when they could not master the new evidential distinctions. MPS is spoken, and written, only by the youngest generations, for whom it remains a living language. The oldest speakers, meanwhile, now use Classical Pinnacle Sherpa (CPS) among themselves as a secret language, and they are progressively undoing its historical ... [ more ]
Making Metalanguage Great Again.by Dr Mattie Langwich. A clear validation of the pedagogical efficacy of linguistically- and metalinguistically-rich classroom instruction has recently laid to rest any residual doubts as to the usefulness of this once contentious mode of instruction. The research focussed on the voiced ~ voiceless alternation in fricatives in English inflectional and derivational word-building processes. As a salient part of the English grammatical system, this underpins lexemes with high frequency across a variety of genres. The alternation is seen (only with labiodentals) in certain irregular plurals (knife ~ knives, wife ~ wives) as well as (with interdentals, labiodentals and alveolars) ... [ more ]
Letters to the Editor. Dear Sir, Without the slightest difficulty, I understood the Editors’ reply to the letter of Fatih Callisto and Faith Castillo (or authors corresponding to some permutation of those letters) in SpecGram CLV, 3. So please help me; what’s wrong with me? Regards, Yahya Abdal-Aziz — Dear Yahya, Perhaps it means either that you are yourself mixed up inside, or that you see the entire world as so mixed up that a little more scrambling poses no difficulty for you. Introspection on your part is likely required to tell the difference. Good luck —Eds. Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the ... [ more ]
ADVERTISEMENTOccam’s Phaser. Are you the Captain of a USS Starfleet vessel? Or perhaps you’re a ruggedly handsome intergalactic drug smuggler with an oversized teddy bear as your inexplicable best friend? If so, I’m ready to bet that you’ve got to face either Romulan hordes or legions of imperial stormtroopers from time to time. And, if experience is anything to go by, I’ll bet 2 hours on the holodeck/a pint of Newky Brown in Mos Eisley that you’ve had phaser issues from time to time resulting in perilously close shaves. Worry no longer. Thanks to the technological wizardry of European scholasticism, we can proudly bring you Occam’s Phaser. Highly efficient, it regularly ... [ more ]
