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1. Archives (12 visits)

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]


2. Vol CXCIV, No 3 (12 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Volume CXCIV, Number 3 Editor-in-Chief: Trey Jones; Executive Editors: Keith Slater, Mikael Thompson; Senior Editors: Jonathan Downie, Deak Kirkham; Contributing Editors: Pete Bleackley, Vincent Fish; Associate Editors: Luca Dinu, Yuval Wigderson, Daniel Swanson; Editorial Associates: Emily Davis, Andrew Lamont, Gabriel Lanyi; Comptroller General: Joey Whitford; The Syntactic Structures of Linguistics; February 2025, ... [ more ]


3. Merchandise (11 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... [ more ]


4. AutoGrammatikon™ (6 visits)

The Speculative Grammarian Auto­Gram­matikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠. On several occasions, mention has been made of the AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠ in the pages of SpecGram; in the current epoch, these references date back as early as at least 2004.1 In the following years there have been denials,2 mentions,3 more4 mentions,5 leaked internal documents,6 and even some early oral history7 (accompanied as it was by additional denials). Throughout this time the consistent official stance of the Editorial board of SpecGram has been to deny that the AutoGrammatikon™ exists, ... [ more ]


5. The /bɪɡɪnɪŋ/ of the /ɛnd/—A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief (6 visits)

The /bɪɡɪnɪŋ/ of the /ɛnd/, A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief. Automagically Transcribed℠ by the, LingTechCo Dictaphonemizer 3.1™. T.J.: (yelling) Mr. Ó McBar van der Fitzez del Abבןsøn­ович­όπουλ­escu ǃ Mr. Ó McBar van der Fitzez del Abבןsøn­ович­όπουλ­escu ǃ I can’t figure out how to get this new-fangled Dictaphonemizer to turn on. I already wrangled a one-month extension and I still don’t have anything for my editorial, which ... [ more ]


6. Abjad-Bits—Advertisement (5 visits)

PAID ADVERTISEMENT Abjad-Bits. Thnk smrt. Thnk ’bjd-Bts crl! As a savvy breakfast consumer (in both senses!) you are more than smart enough to insert your own vowels! Abjad-Bits® are the favorite brkfst cereal among sophisticated connoisseurs of scripts worldwide! Every bowl of Phoenician Phlavored ® Abjad-Bits® contains twenty-two different delicious, colorful consonants (that’s more than 80% of your daily value!). Kids and adults, philologists and grammarians, just love ’em! Postfix Abjad Bits—Phoenecian. ... Try our other fun flavors, too: Arabic, ... [ more ]


7. Startling Allegations Rock Historical Linguistics Community—Andrew Lamont (5 visits)

Startling Allegations Rock Historical Linguistics Community. by Andrew Lamont. BLOOMINGTON, Indiana—It has been an exciting week for the Indo-Europeanist community. While Monday saw the announcement of Bob’s Law, which derives the modern English Pez dispenser from the Proto-Indo-European *pesd-, today’s news marks a more controversial chapter. ... Scholars point to sloppy forgeries like this tablet as proof of Grimm’s misconduct. Recently uncovered documents suggest Jacob Grimm may have forged evidence to support some of his theories. “We now suspect that the entire Tocharian branch may have been invented by Grimm to further his career and possibly ... [ more ]


8. Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome (5 visits)

Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome . Are you looking for a book about ancient Roman history that’s interesting, informative, and amusing? No? Oh. Well, all the same, as long as you’re on this webpage already, we’d like to recommend that you buy Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome. Easy to read, full of genuine historical facts, and adorned with amateurish hand-drawn pictures, The History of Rome is so good that even Girolamo Savonarola might hesitate to cast it into the flames. And best of all, it’s only $6.99! Buy one now! Interested, but wary of being burned by a slick advertising campaign for a product that fails to live up to the hype? Then download the free preview and read ... [ more ]


9. Xerus & Ratufa and Zombies (5 visits)

ADVERTISEMENT Xerus & Ratufa and Zombies. Just as a rising tide raises all boats, so a rising surf of fashion raises all topics and a raft of books. Recent years have seen outbreaks of zombie plagues throughout the literary world as brain-dead writers shuffle around feeding on the brains of better authors: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; How to Win Friends and Influence People to Stop Zombies; Zombies Who Hate Women and the Women Who Feed Them Brains; All Zombies Great and Small; The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Zombie; Of Mice and Zombies; The Old Zombie and the Sea; Live and Let Zombies Die; A Zombie’s History of the United States; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf Besides Zombies?; and Uncle ... [ more ]


10. Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part 九—Lexicostatistics vs. Glottochronology—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. (5 visits)

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part 九—Lexicostatistics vs. Glottochronology. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. If you are new to Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, please review back issues of this journal. Now let us consider the fundamental difference between Lexicostatistics and Glottochronology: Lexicostatistics Glottochronology Up next: Feeding and Bleeding with guest cartoonist Erin Taylor. References, Arndt, Walter W. (1959). “The performance of glottochronology in Germanic”. Language, 35, 180-192. Bergsland, Knut; & Vogt, Hans. (1962). “On the validity of glottochronology”. Current Anthropology, 3, 115-153. Chretien, Douglas ... [ more ] Podcast!


11. Sad Holiday Linguists (5 visits)

Prevent Sad Holiday Linguists—Get Them a Copy of The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics . Every holiday season, countless linguists have their celebrations ruined by thoughtless gifts given by clueless loved ones. They say it’s the thought that counts, but we know that’s only true if that thought is accompanied by at least some tiny semblance of awareness of a linguist’s hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We could try to explain those hopes and dreams and aspirations to you—but we’d have to give you a mini course on phonetics, phonology, and voice onset time first. Instead, we can assure you that SpecGram has the right gift for your linguist loved ... [ more ]


12. Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part ж—The Trouble with NLP—Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. (5 visits)

Cartoon Theories of Linguistics, Part ж—The Trouble with NLP. Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D. Unintentional University of Lghtnbrgstn. Please review previously discussed materials as needed. Now that that is taken care of, let us consider why Natural Language Processing (or, its alter-ego, Computational Linguistics) has not been the resounding success regularly predicted by the NLP faithful: We gave the monkeys the bananas because they were hungry/over-ripe. Time/Fruit flies like a(n) arrow/banana. pretty little girl’s school crying computational linguist Up next: Lexicostatistics vs Glottochronology. References, Baeza-Yates, Ricardo and Berthier Ribeiro-Neto (1999). Modern Information ... [ more ] Merch! Book!


13. Vol CXLIX, No 3 (5 visits)

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Brood, X, Magicicada Super Issue, ... Speculative Grammarian, Vol CXLIX, No 3, Volume CXLIX, Number 3; July 2004, MANAGING EDITOR, Trey Jones, EDITOR EMERITUS, Tim Pulju, ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Martin Hilpert, Edward Johnson, Aya Katz, David Mead, Mikael Thompson, Keith Slater, Bill Spruiell, Joey Whitford, Hwæt! ... Þæt wæs god cyning. ... [ more ]


14. Dialect Continuum Language Studies—Psammeticus Institute (5 visits)

Psammeticus Institute, Psammeticus Institute proudly presents... Dialect Continuum Language Studies, Psammeticus Institute—the Language Education branch of linguistics publishing powerhouse Psammeticus Press—allows you to harness the amazing transformative power of dialect continua in your own personal language learning. By attending a Dialect Continuum Language Studies course, you can slowly but surely transform the language you speak into the language you want to speak. In order to transform the language you speak into the language you want to speak, we at Psammeticus Institute set up for you a large number of literally parallel classrooms. In the first classroom, you, your ... [ more ] Podcast!


15. Letters to the Editor (CLV.3) (5 visits)

Letters to the Editor. Hello People, I am not a scientist of any sort, but have been looking to see if there has been a study on the memory phenomenon of instantly forgetting a name when one is introduced. I have been listening for some time to many people of all ages saying that they forget a name when introduced, “as though it went in one ear & out the other”. Why do humans so consistently ‘dump’ a name from memory this way? Could you please tell me if you know of any such study? If there isn’t, it might be interesting to do one. I enjoyed reading about the woman naming her offspring in sequences to get at the right one, and how that was structured to save space. Very interesting. Thank you for your ... [ more ]


16. Virtual NLP Dice (5 visits)

Virtual NLP Dice. The SpecGram Überlinguistaffen. ... [Re-roll.] [Re-roll like you mean it !!] As many successful practitioners of Natural Language Processing know, the surest path to success is to come up with some complicated-looking equation and then rest on your mathematical laurels for the rest of your career—because “Math is hard, and hard things are for smart people, and smart people are just better. QED.” Or so we learned from the original ad for NLP Dice: “Local Linguist Mom Discovers One Weird Trick for Deriving NLP Equations!—Computational Linguists Hate Her!” (SpecGram ... [ more ]


17. About Us (5 visits)

Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com. Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ] Podcast!


18. Ps. Q.—Language Acquisition: A Government-Subsidized Model—Carol A. Miller (5 visits)

Language Acquisition: A Government-Subsidized Model. The implications of the term “language acquisition” are crucial and have yet to be seriously discussed in the literature. “Acquisition” is a loaded word, and it’s time we, as a field, faced the facts about the nomenclature we use. Funk & Wagnall’s defines “acquisition” as follows: the act of acquiring. Funk & Wagnall’s defines “acquire” as follows: 1. To obtain by one’s own endeavor or action. 2. To come to possess; to receive. In the past, while students of child language have on the whole chosen to leave the meaning of “acquisition” (as they use it) very fuzzy, they have leaned towards the first ... [ more ]


19. From the Archives!—The Ʌndərwʊd Portable IPA Typewriter—The SpecGram Archive Elves™ (5 visits)

From the Archives! —The Ʌndərwʊd Portable IPA Typewriter. The SpecGram Archive Elves™. We have previously reported on—and displayed items from—the “ Top Secret SpecGram Time Capsule ” found lurking in the ceiling of the SpecGram offices. While the wrangling with the SpecGram legal team over potential incriminating evidence proprietary information continues, we thought we would share another antique treasure we had laying around lying around laying lying lieing prevaricating hanging around the office. Here is a photo of our fifth archival item, a 1940s-era ... [ more ]


20. Q Continuum Reaches Solomon Islands—Brenda H. Boerger (4 visits)

Q Continuum Reaches Solomon Islands1. Brenda H. Boerger. I propose early, pre-24th century contact between the Q Continuum (Q-contact) and speakers of Earth languages in Solomon Islands, South Pacific, as evidenced by the presence of <q> in the orthographies of 24 of the 68 languages there, spanning the country from west to east. I describe the sounds that <q> represents in these orthographies, using these correspondences as evidence for five separate Q-contacts. The evidence suggests Q-contact elsewhere in Oceanic, as well as in other language families, as diverse as Indo-European, multiple American Indian families, and Turkic, but that this important contact factor has heretofore been ... [ more ]


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Last updated Apr. 22, 2025.