The following valuable volumes, spectacular series, and interesting items have been released with pride by Psammeticus Press, an academic publishing house founded in honor of the first and purest of linguistic inquirers: one might criticize his methods, but who could quibble with his results?

Follow the links below to learn more about these fabulous books and excellent series, each destined to become a classic in the field.

by “Big” Stas T. Stickle & “Lil” Rel E. Vance
Published 2024. 318 ± 2.89 pages
As *ptooey* statistics *bleurgh* has become an accepted part of linguistics, there has been much exploration of the parameter space. Yet very little space has been dedicated to mapping all the hitherto unexplained correlations in Linguistics. As a service to the field, we present in this tome a list of the most interesting ones we have unearthed, as well as some interesting negative results.

from The Editors of Psammeticus Press
Published 2024. 150 pages
Since its first edition in 1811, The Prescriptivist Handbook has helped countless people prevent the degradation of the English language into senseless illogicality by introducing linguistic innovations to enable them to speak efficiently, logically, and (most importantly) correctly.

by Prof. [REDACTED], Ph.D., and [REDACTED], Litt.D.
Department of Linguistics and [REDACTED], University of [REDACTED]
Published 2024. 428⅐ pages
The authors have bravely stepped forth from out of right up to the edge of the shadows to give much needed advice on how to avoid causing offence with common terms, ideas, and facts related to linguistics.

To Be Published 2021–2023
Psammeticus Press is proud to announce its new line of books for linguists-to-be. Written by Dr. Abstreuss, who must know what he’s talking about because he comes from one of those ____mouth Colleges, these books are sure to earn your children’s respect until they’re at least seven.

by Blenda Portman-Toe
Published 2020. 84 pages + 943 pages of citations and etymologies
As linguistics continues its meteoric ascendance in the academic zeitgeist, scholarly and even not-so-scholarly writers would be well-advised to “get with the [minimalist] program” and take on the trappings of linguists and linguisticsin order to please and appease their soon-to-be intellectual lords and masters.

by Dàn Gāo & Gatt O. Cooxen
Published 2018. 412 pages (with 397 full-color photographs)
While there are many possible metrics for the maturity of a scholarly field, the most obvious is that a field has not truly arrived until a cookbook of the greatest recipes of its practitioners has been published.

There has been a lot of interest in environmental influences on language, including the emerging field of geophonetics. Other publishers can jump on the bandwagon; Psammeticus Press already has one of its own!

by Deepat Mintshair
Published 2015. 36 pages + 656 pages of appendices
This invaluable departmental self-help book fills a sizable gap in the literature: giving practical advice to linguistics departments about how to attract more students.

The Linguistics Edition
by Professor Pachydermatous Anoplothere, Ph.D.
Department of Practical Linguistics and Applied Onomastics, University of Glenboggin, Scotland
Published 2014. Hardback, 174 pages. Price: $29.95; 3 for $69.99
Parents, do you feel like a broken record? “Bath time!” ... “Shut the door!” ... “Don’t talk with your mouth full!” ... “Stop hitting your brother!” ... “Be quiet!” ... The list of repetitive parental complaints seems endless and, at times, fruitless. But now you can put the nature of your nurture to work for you and your child!

From the Editors of Psammeticus Press
Published 2013.
Volume 28 of the Handbook for Linguistic Elicitation focuses on that essential of human nature, laziness. Everybody knows that linguists need to elicit words for activities like “killing,” “breaking” and “eating,” but let’s face it, we can’t stop there. And truth be told, these “highly transitive” verbs just aren’t that important to most actual people.

By Mabel Leaf and Elizabeth Furst
Published 2012.
While debates over the authorial unity of Shakespeare’s œuvre have long since been consigned to the periphery of linguistic debate, work continues on the more useful topic of the sociolinguistic markers present in his plays.

Edited by Prof I. M. N. Expert, Dr Proust D’ktorate and assorted nameless graduate students
Published 2012.
Studies on the relationship between citation patterns and academic seniority. Citing the works of others is both an act of academic indebtedness and informational clarity. As such, it must be analysed as a sociological device for furthering the agenda of others while hedging the extent of one’s own contribution.

by Reddon Toofenklau and Lex Talionis
There comes a stage in the development of any discipline when its practitioners, influenced by ideas current in other fields, take a metaphorical approach to their objects of study. Thus, in the 19th century historical linguists argued the merits of conceiving of languages as organisms. More recently, linguists of every stripe have launched such ideas as viewing languages as species, some of which are endangered, and of the ecology of language, a metaphor with many variants. Behind such metaphors, our authors point out, lies a particular social program with clear ideological trappings. This book wrings such metaphors dry, collects the juice, and throws away the pulp.

by the Phluxist Philologers (including one or more of Trey Jones, Keith Slater, Tim Pulju, Bill Spruiell, Madalena Cruz-Ferreira, David J. Peterson, Jouni Maho, Daniela Müller, Butch McBastard, Jonathan van der Meer, Pablo Palabras, Hermes Trismegistus, Ælfgar λ. Garcia, Claude Searsplain­pockets, Dawn B. Seely, H. Sanderson Chambers III, Bjorn-Bob Weaselflinger, Athanasious Schadenpoodle, H.D. Onesimus, Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Quentin P. Snodgrass, and/or Johannes Damascenus nach Campenhausen, with additional, optional material provided by one or more of George Maciunas, Marcel Duchamp, John Cage, Joseph Beuys, Dick Higgins, and/or Nam June Paik)
Originally Published 1932-2011. Spiral bound, 57-943 pages. 491st edition or higher. Price: $49.99-$239.99
With the run-away success of their earlier collective work, titled variously “An Introduction to Cagian Linguistics”, “In Consideration of Post3 Post-Modern Philology”, and “A Prolegomenon to Indeterminate Phonology and Phonetics”, among many other titles, the so-called Phluxist Philologers have put together this omnibus volume that collects some, several, a few, many, or all of the important papers in Fluxist Linguistics, together spanning almost a century.

Psammeticus Press
The market for English language Bibles is lucrative, and any publisher worth its stock price is seeking to further edify the faithful by issuing its own proprietary English version. The visionaries at Psammeticus Press, though, can smell an over-crowded niche a mile away, and for some time we have been ruminating on how to overcome this difficulty and horn in on the Bible market. The key is this: most Bible publishers don’t know squat about linguistics. Fortunately for us, we do. What’s more, we know enough about linguistics to be able to predict, based on our latest Language Change Algorithm, what English will be like two hundred years from now.

Presented by the Psammeticus Press Free Linguistic Ramblings Series
Hot from the ComPress: the Rules of Minomes [Minomes: Minimal Nominal Memos [Memos: Memes of the Moment]] have [yet] been found to be [yet] compressible, in the [still [still: rooted to the node, viz. CP [CP: core paresis]]] thoroughly self-circular, self-replicating and self-back-scratching fashion [fashion: see memos].

by Vürffle Tsyllynda
Published 2010. Hardback, 368 pages. Price: €129.99
As a philosophical companion to the recently-released Großwörterbuch dictionary of German compounds, this masterpiece treatise of historical German lexicography, in an act of meta-ur-self-referentiality, is actually a single German compound noun.

Published 2010. Hardback, 46,7 kg / 103 lbs.
With fold-out pages throughout. €6/kg / $4/lb
Ever spent a semester in a German alma mater? Ever felt lost in an Universität? Ever regretted having taken as few as ten classes in German as an Academic Language? Psammeticus Press has developed a dictionary that meets your needs!

by Aisling Ní Rudaí & Paddy O’Furniture
Published 2010. Hardback, 621 pages. Price: $82.01
Though Manning & Schütze open their (in)famous tome on statistical NLP by identifying a clear goal, neither they nor anyone else have really done anything to bring about the technologically advanced future we were all promised many years ago. Why don’t we have talking jet packs and armies of robot servants we can control with spoken commands? Why don’t we even have reliable voice-to-voice machine translation? How about a decent search engine for polysynthetic languages?

by Vickigail Saraswathi
Published 2009. Paperback, xxi + 188 pages. Price: $16.95
With the inexplicable success of pseudo-lexicons such as Howard Rheingold’s 2000 They Have a Word for It, C. J. Moore’s 2004 In Other Words, and Adam Jacot de Boinod’s 2005 The Meaning of Tingo, a native speaker of English could get the sinking feeling that English lacks the basic expressiveness needed to convey the most basic human needs and desires.

Presented by Psammeticus Press
This somewhat irregular monthly award is a sign of our recognition of and deep appreciation for the authors’ contribution to the upholding of decent writing standards in academic literature and to the dissemination of the finest of speech figures. Winners are selected and notified each month by our Chiastic Editor and Editorial Chiasturge.

by Edgartina Olláphersen and Olafrinia Etkarzön
Published 2009. Hardcover, xliv + 784 pages. Price: USD $299.95
In the latest addition to our world-famous Chiasmus Linguistics Project, Psammeticus Press is proud to present a pivotal work that no other academic linguistics press could ever have hoped to publish: The Historicity of Texts and the Textuality of History. This magnificent tome represents a significant advancement of knowledge in the noble field of linguistics.

By Karla Stier-Heinzle und Heinz Stier-Karle
Published 2009. Hardback, cxxiv + 421 pages. Price: €92.29
Der Wert der Wissenschaften liegt in ihrem Vermögen, allein aufgrund der Anstrengung des Geistes Einblick in die äußere wie innere Welt zu gewähren und so ein tiefgreifendes Verständnis derselben zu erlangen. Im vorliegenden Werk stellen die beiden renommierten wissen­schafts­geschicht­lichen Philosophen Karla Stier-Heinzle und Heinz Stier-Karle Theorien vor, welche diese desiderata vorbildhaft umzusetzen wußten, darunter Noam Chomskys Minimalistisches Programm, Edmund Husserls Epiphänomen­ologie des Geistes sowie die erst jüngst vorgestellte Meta­maultaschen­theorie Björn-Bob Weaselflingers, wobei ihr Ansatz auf einer grundsätzlichen Herausarbeitung der den Theorien zugrunde­liegenden grundlegenden Beispiele beruht.

By Hans Jensen, Jens Hansen and Hannes Johannson
Published 2009. Hardback, 537 pages. Price: €78.87
Subtitled, “Figures of speech and speech in figuresacademic writing style and data presentation: a practical guide.” Want to know how to boost your H-factor? How to get cited just because your title sounds cool? The artful use of tropes shows off your expensive education and provides a guarantee of the quality of your work! Colourful diagrams reveal your delicate sense of art in use!

by Jeanne Jónsdottir, Jón Giannakos, Gianna Jenstochter and Jens Jeanneson
Published 2009. Paperback, cdxliv + 17 pages. Price: 4449 krónur
Subtitled “A semi-autobiographical account of socio-onomastic and ethno-linguistic issues around mixed ethnicity patronymics.” This deeply personal and insightfully revelatory book recounts the personal and professional experiences of its four authors, who together represent four generations of a uniquely named mixed-ethnicity family.

Presented by Psammeticus Press
We at Psammeticus Press had never really understood the point of “contrastive” grammars. Who in the world cares what features of Kham Tibetan are not like Swahili (or vice-versa)? We can only suppose that these people are trying to show off their knowledge of two unrelated languages.

By H. D. Onesimus and his small furry friends
Published 2008. Hardcover, xii + 207 pages. Price: USD $207.xii
An especially important resource for first-year graduate students in Linguistics, An Interpreter’s Dictionary of Linguistic Argumentation explains the real meaning behind frequently-used terms in the linguistic literature. This compact guidebook tells you what established scholars really mean when they use certain well-established modifiers in their academic prose.

Published 2008. Softcover, 37½ pages. Price: $9.99
This book is not an attempt to reach out to people who are lazy, but nonetheless have an interest in learning about linguistic scienceDavid Crystal has certainly already written a book for them. Rather, this is a practical book for lazy people who want to learn how to use the fruits of linguistics to enhance their laziness.

Hey there, Happy Party People! My name is Suzie. A long time ago I thought that maybe I wanted to be a linguist, but then I realized that linguistics actually isn’t very much fun!

Proceedings of CRAPAR 118-128, 2007
Published 2008. Softcover, 6288 pages. Price: $12.95
This collection of articles presented at the One Hundred and Eighteenth through One Hundred and Twenty-Eighth Colloquia of the Concerned Researchers’ Association for Prepositional Analysis in Romance (all held in 2007) is very long. It is very big. It is also very boring.

Presented by Psammeticus Institute
Harness the amazing transformative power of dialect continua in your own personal language learning. By attending a Dialect Continuum Language Studies course, you can slowly but surely transform the language you speak into the language you want to speak.

Presented by Psammeticus Press
Linguistica ad hominem: “Forget the data; send us the dope.”
Linguistica ad hoc: “Our articles rely on logical leaps.”
Linguistica ad nauseum: “Keep talkingmaybe you’ll hit on something meaningful.”
Linguistica ad infinitum: “Publishing the longest articles in the field.”
Linguistica ad ad: “The bottom line never looked better.”

Presented by Psammeticus Press
You know it. We know it. Everybody knows it. It’s just that none of us have been brave enough to admit it. Linguistics is a money-losing field. Here at Psammeticus Press, we lament this lamentable state of affairs, but our lamentations aren’t doing much for the bottom line. It’s time to do something to gain solvency, or we fear that our stockholder will pull the plug.

Edited by Qing Daixia, Brad Davidley, Van Geordriem, Chap Hillerell, Hans Ingalillson, Mat Jamisoff, Ed Jerrymondson, Ben Pauledict, Hong Sunkai
Published 2006. Hardcover, 4444 pages. Price: if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
This volume fills in the considerable gaps left by Routledge’s slim 2003 volume The Sino-Tibetan Languages. Displaying an uncharacteristic lack of ambition, Thurgood and LaPolla treated, in that otherwise excellent work, less than 40 of the 400+ languages of this important family. Clearly, much work remained to be done, and we at Psammeticus Press have undertaken to do it. The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages describes the remaining 90% of the languages in the family.

Presented by Psammeticus Motors
The PM Lingo is the first affordable luxury automobile ever designed for linguists, by linguists. No one knows what a real linguist wants and needs in a car like the folks at Psammeticus Motorsmore than just practical yet stylish transportation, the Lingo makes an important statement that only other linguists can fully understandjust like the best academic treatises.

By Constantine Köprülü
Psammeticus Textbooks in Linguistics
Published 2007. Hardcover, 97 pages. Price: $249
Psammeticus Press is proud to present a one-of-a-kind new intra­disciplinary linguistics textbook—with no more of this trendy, namby-pamby inter­disciplinary dilution of linguistics. Köprülü urges a return to hard core fundamentals, discarding all distractions that lead away from what truly matters in the field.

Presented by Psammeticus Textbooks in Linguistics
Inspired by William O. Hendricks’ 1976 classic Grammars of style and styles of grammar, Psammeticus Press presents The Chiasmus Linguistics Project, which offers important, cleverly titled books on a wide variety of meaningful linguistic topics in a wide variety of meaningful linguistic fields.

Presented by Psammeticus Press
Psammeticus Press offers a number of Language Documentation Series geared toward the needs of typical linguists. Each series admits to and even embraces a certain amount of human frailty, while acknowledging the need to publish. Includes the Hastily-Written Grammars, Reasonably Natural Text Materials, and Patchwork Grammars series.

By Timothy Pulju
Published 2006. Hardcover, xiii, 288 pages and fold-out center page. Price $99.95
Tim Pulju’s latest work adopts the machinery of optimality theory to describe the history of the field of linguistics. The heart of the work is presented in a stunning fold-out tableau, measuring fully 2x3 meters. Pulju’s analysis accounts for the entire history of the field; he takes as constraints the personalities, conferences, and major papers which have shaped the field, showing how these may be ranked to predict the emergence of specific theories and, ultimately, the state in which we find the field today.

By Laurel L. Laura
Published 2005. Hardcover, 1704 pages. Price: $598.99
This volume illustrates the intimate connection between language and political action. An extensive cross-linguistic database of voice and valence systems is examined in relation to the political events which have occurred in the history of each language community. Unmistakable correlations point to the primacy of voice and valence as predictors of political choices made at the societal level.

By Geoffrey Sagum
Psammeticus Textbooks in Linguistics
Published 2005. Softcover, 113 pages. Price: $17.95 ($0.00 if you steal it!)
From the practical to the arcane, How to Cheat at Linguistics offers an admirably comprehensive guide to the field’s standard answers. The book is written at a level which should be accessible to both undergraduates and pre-comprehensive graduate students.

By Monterey, Jack and Wensleydale, Monty, University of Gloucester
Published 2004 by Buchette d’Anjou in Europe, €5.99/lb.
Published 2005 by Psammeticus Press in the United States, $9.99/lb.
This comprehensive study of European Cheese dialects contains chapters on historical reconstruction, olfactory linguistics, politics, dialectology and geography. The authors carried out extensive field and cellar research, investigating far flung Swiss cottages, Welsh valleys and French chateaux to collect the necessary data to compile this encyclopaedic tome.

Edited by Trey Jones and G. Edward Johnson
Published 2005, Hardcover, 67 pages. Price: $237.50
Published in collaboration with Sum Random Publishing House, Gaithersburg, MD.
This slim but exciting volume explores the multiple interpretations of supposedly “morphologically redundant” plurals. Topics include: Diachronic Surveys, Synchronic Explorations, Spirited Discussion, and Heated Debate.

By H.D. Onesimus
Published 2004. Hardcover, 354 pages. Price: $149.95
Since the so-called ‘discovery’ of endangered languages, much breathless attention in linguistics has been devoted to the topic of methods for linguistic fieldwork. So much breathless attention, in fact, that our field is in danger of losing its foundational and most critical resource: the linguistic deskworker.