From Mwahaha to Bwahaha: Some Observations on Evil Laughter—Lady Esmerelda Rose Beeton-Frasier SpecGram Vol CLXXVII, No 4 Contents Research Assistants Are Being Paid

Bait Me

X. Kuvador, R. Kialugist, and Pael E. O’Ntolojiss

While we are all safely ensconced in varying levels of The Ivory Tower™, it has come to our attention that many are struggling to have their research read and respected. While the first of these quests has never much interested those within our fieldin fact, the less some research is read, the more it is respectedwe understand that some people still entertain a bizarre wish to actually have people take an interest in their work. Over coffee in the SpecGram planetarium/coffee plaza, we heard the interns gabbing about the power of the “Internet” to publicize research and how titles can be classified as “clickbait” or “boring.” As an example of how to make research “popular”, we therefore present to you a selection of paper titles recast as “clickbait”.

As an hors d’œuvre, we have a batch of eight articles and books that already have perfectly clickbaity titles, but just need a little eye-candy to capture potential readers’ attention: an eye-catching image, arbitrary numbers (to give the reader a sense of accomplishment), Monotonous Capitalization, and randomly sprinkled OMGWTFBBQ-style flair. The source/author is provided for each; for proper clickbaitification, no such information should be given, unless the author is a rockstar of, at minimum, Pinkeresque proportions.

First, some examples from SpecGram:

Local Linguist Mom Discovers One Weird Trick For Deriving NLP Equations!Computational Linguists Hate Her!
Advertisement

27 Things Linguists Didn’t Know About TeaNumber 12 Made Me Cringe!
by Bas Fête

Are Turkish And Amharic Related? Are They Ever!
by April May June

Choose Your Own Career In Linguistics
by Trey Jones

New Speech Disorder Linguists Contracted Discovered!
by Yreka Bakery

Language Acquisition Device Found
by R. Davis, et al.


Examples from elsewhere in Linguistics Land (shown here without linksunless you are getting paid beaucoup dinero, never provide external links!):

Women, Fire, And Dangerous Things
by George Lakoff

The Great Daghestanian Case Hoax
by Bernard Comrie and Maria Polinsky



And now to the main disha clickbaitification of a couple dozen book and article titles. The observant linguist should be able to induce a simple grammar of clickbaitification from these examples. As before, in observance of and in accordance with “academic norms”, original titles and authors are provided in the smallest font we are allowed to use. First we have some examples from SpecGram and related media.


You Won’t Believe What Happens In Bilingual Brains!
Formerly “Extended Electroencephalographical Examination Reveals Asymmetrical Neuro Oscillations in Bilingual Subjects with 24-Hour Sleep/Wake Disorder” by Sheri Wells-Jensen

This Guy Finds A French Sheep And You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!
Formerly “Is Translation Possible?The Answer Rhymes with Noh” by Trent Slater

You Won’t Believe What This Idiot Savant Managed To Write With Just Two Neurons To Rub Together!
Formerly “On a Recent Application of Game Theory to Linguistics Education” by Mongo Yalbag

You Won’t Believe Anyone Was Brave Enough To Say This!
Formerly “Unu Mondo, Unu Lingvo, Sen Kulturo” by Tennick Bolson

Linguists, What Kind Of Bird Are You?
Formerly “A Survey of Recent Trends in Philosophical Lexicography” by Jay Chough Starling

31 Jokes That Prove Linguists Should Be Banned From The Cinema Forever
Formerly “Great Linguistics Movies and Their Famous LinesPart I” by The SpecGram Editorial Board

30 More Jokes That Still Prove Linguists Should Be Banned From The Cinema Forever
Formerly “Great Linguistics Movies and Their Famous LinesPart II” by The SpecGram Editorial Board

Breaking News!! Facebook And Twitter Were Invented In Ancient Greece!
Formerly “Cathartic Grecian Maxomes” by Anne Thrax

Baseball Drug Bust! You’ll Be Amazed At Who It Is!
Formerly “The Narcolinguistic Effects of Professional Athletic Strikes: The hidden danger of baseballis your community safe?” by George E. Will, Bruce Arena, and Larry James Bird

Artificial Intelligence UnmaskedIn Just Four Simple Diagrams!
Formerly “Cartoon Theories of LinguisticsPart жThe Trouble with NLP” by Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.

You Only Need One Accessory Item To Be Truly Stylish This Year!
Formerly “Speculative Grammarian Merchandise” by Speculative Grammarian

These All-Purpose Put-Downs Will Silence Any Bully
Formerly “Quotes: What People are Saying” by Speculative Grammarian

Nobody Can Solve These Mind-Blowing PuzzlesThe Linguistic Acronym Word Search Is The Worst!
Formerly “Puzzles and Games” by Speculative Grammarian

The One Book Your Linguistics Prof Hopes You Don’t Know About!
Formerly The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics by Trey Jones, Keith W. Slater, Bill Spruiell, Tim Pulju, and David J. Peterson

This Frenchman Found Another’s Accent AnnoyingYou’ll Never Believe What He Did Next!
Formerly “A Proposal for an Academy to Regulate the French Language” by Armand du Plessis

Tally-Ho! New Language Gene Outfoxes The Old One
Formerly “The Language Jean” by Maude Lévi-Sauce

It Wasn’t His Kingdom He Tried To BarterRichard III’s Real Story Will Bring Tears To Your Eyes
Formerly “The Bilemma in the Bilingual Brain” by Madalena Cruz-Ferreira

True Or False? Apples And VSOP Clinched The Trojan War
Formerly “The Legend of Trey” by Hemeralda Ilissey

I Was Looking For “What’s In A Language Name”What I Found Will Dumbfound You
Formerly “Center Embedding as Historical Inevitability” by Eve M.Adam

Listen To This SHOCKING Audio Before It Gets Banned And Deleted!!!
Formerly Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXVI by The SpecGram LingNerds

22 Things Only Historical Linguists Will Understand
Formerly “A Sample of Self-DefinersHistorical Linguistics, Etymology, and Sound Changes: Part I” by The SpecGram Book Elves™

23 Things Only 1890s Kids Will Remember
Formerly “A Sample of Self-DefinersHistorical Linguistics, Etymology, and Sound Changes: Part I” by The SpecGram Book Elves™

22 Things Only Poor Fieldworkers Will Appreciate
Formerly “How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork” by The SpecGram Editorial Board

31 Quotes Only Linguistic Film Nerds Will Remember
Formerly “Great Linguistics Movies and Their Famous LinesPart I” by The SpecGram Editorial Board

30 More Quotes Only Linguistic Film Nerds Will Remember
Formerly “Great Linguistics Movies and Their Famous LinesPart II” by The SpecGram Editorial Board

10 Things Only Real Linguists Will Appreciate
Formerly “Ten New Commandments for Linguists” by Trey Jones, et al.

7 Problems Only A Phonetician Could Understand
Formerly “IPA Analogies” by Watalodabaloni Überwoggle

9 Problems Only Real Linguists Will Understand
Formerly “Linguistic Equations” by Lars Tyndskids and Jef Van Pijperzele


And for dessert, a few non-SpecGram examples:

We Asked These People About InterpretingYou Won’t Believe What Happens Next!
Formerly “What Every Client Wants? (Re)mapping the Trajectory of Client Expectations Research” by Jonathan Downie

The 3 Modes Of Language Your Grammarian Won’t Tell You About!
Formerly Grammatica Speculativa by Thomas of Erfurt

The 3 Levels Of Grammatical Functions Your Grammarian Won’t Tell You About!
Formerly An Introduction to Functional Grammar by M.A.K. Halliday

18 Signs It’s Time To Find A New Language
Formerly Language Change: Progress or Decay? by Jean Aitchison

Simon Says: Facelift Your Aging Brain Before It’s Too Late!
Formerly “Bilingualism, Aging, and Cognitive Control: Evidence From the Simon Task” by Ellen Bialystok, Fergus I. M. Craik, Raymond Klein, and Mythili Viswanathan

Learn Any Language With This One Weird InstinctAccording To Stephen Pinker!
Formerly The Language Instinct by Stephen Pinker

From Mwahaha to Bwahaha: Some Observations on Evil LaughterLady Esmerelda Rose Beeton-Frasier
Research Assistants Are Being Paid
SpecGram Vol CLXXVII, No 4 Contents