Special Supplemental Letter from the Editor SpecGram Vol CLV, No ζ Contents
Survey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates
presented by
Cëŏjpruustcrêrt êe Âgriüsturttâiy
Fuördrêostsklanöukklėû Růŕskramnnuũrgciwä

Departmental Encephallus
the coherent bio-voltaic after-image of
Ëø Daerl stiic Uasŝăź swerz Ê
Encephallus Emeritus (deceased)

The Department of Biolinguistics of Sub-Sentient Species
Qomnliscrëvuelzaern University

Planet Skeushiōrbprăisxẽqnaŏ
Gløŏňuăthphêimbal Cluster
Žæaẘstaowhiethæoyalt Galaxy

Presented at the 23,746,844th
Quinquennial Symposium of the
Upper Ȳåǰ Ïżȧƚ Galaxy Association of Biolinguistics

held at
Eungflöoẑ University
Planet Krɨgiosuolzeêta
Aaēfruex Cluster
Ȳåǰ Ïżȧƚ Galaxy
Galactic Date 11.7882.8.97


The “Human Problem”, as it has come to be known, is a thorny one at best. Consider the following quote from Ĭôrstqōyerz Oäɨh, former Regional Prime Minister of the Aaēfruex Cluster, running for re-election on an anti-human campaign platform:

The humans’ incessant disruptions to our communications networks, though technically minor, are, without a doubt, the most annoying thing to happen to the Intergalactic Reticulum since Kåăåntr and Si3gL transmitted their infamous fourteen quintillion copies of their “Cross-Cluster Migration Credential Sweepstakes” message. Kåăåntr and Si3gL were imprisoned in a black hole for one third of eternity. Do the humans deserve less?

Many hotly debated questions remain: Are Tier-19 Terran Primates, so-called “Humans”, even conscious? Are they meta-conscious? Can they think? Do they have language? Are they sentient? Are they sophonts? Can they simply be eradicated as pests? What is their galactic and intergalactic legal standing?

The main purpose of this paper is to summarize the main non-linguistic evidence against human meta-consciousness and present the findings of our recent research into the linguistic and paralinguistic evidence concerning human consciousness and sentience.

Survey of established non-linguistic evidence and opinion

Alas, the generally agreed-to rating of “Tier-19” for the Terran primates known as “humans” may be misleading. While the Pan-Sophont Universal Tiered Sentience Classification System has been a very useful tool for several mega-eons, it clearly is lacking in scientific precision because of its utter failure to unambiguously categorize humans. Humans rate just above or just below the sophont threshold (20) on every one of 17,004 measurable dimensions.

None of the other billion-plus species evaluated in the last deka-eon have been so consistent, or so consistently mediocre. 90% of the species tested have rated a maximum score (137.035999) in at least a thousand dimensions. The previous minimum number of maximal scores for a sophont species was 14, for the Frëerthphriwu of planet Phrílbúȯskleaĩeg, (Aaēfruex Cluster, Ȳåǰ Ïżȧƚ Galaxy) who also happen to hold the record for the highest average score (133.894406); thus was their sophont-hood never in question. Prior to humans, the highest average score for a non-sophont species was 4.159, and the highest maximum score for a non-sophont species was only 13.

This lack of clear delineation between sentience and non-sentience has been used as evidence against human sentience, though it is more properly a failure of the tool at hand. Be that as it may, academic experts in many fields have in recent symposia put forth their reasoning as to why humans cannot be considered sentientmost arguing a specific lack of ability in some capacity considered common or crucial among sentient species.

Oft-quoted excerpts are provided below:

Cosmology: “Their ridiculous understanding of the anthropic principleand in particular their miscomprehension of the participatory anthropic principle and their inability to reconcile it with standard cosmological models of non-teleological deterministic semi-henostic involuted epigenesisis clear evidence that humans are not actually sentient.”0

Mathematics: “After almost a century of effort, humans have been unable to find a solution to the ‘problem’ of the ‘incompleteness’ of formal systems, they have been unable to prove the continuum theorem, and they are still mucking about with the Axiom of Choice. While it is uncommon but not unheard of in immature members of some species, even fully adult humans do not use surreal numbers in everyday life!”1

Physics: “Humans have been unable to compute the fine-structure constant from first principles; they haven’t generally theorized anything below the level of strings; they are nowhere near developing the most rudimentary forms of quantum gravity. To call their ‘science’ of physical laws ‘physics’ is laughable.”2

Technology: “They [humans] seem to have developed a practical control of tachyon modulation of radio waves only as a result of receiving our network communication traffic! They are still confined to sub-light transportation, and have yet to harness even 0.1% of the energy output of their home star. What idiocy! What waste!”3

‘Chemistry’: “Humans still consider ‘chemistry’ (the study of the composition, structure, and properties of matter) its own branch of science and have not yet reduced it to a trivial specialization of general physical equations.”4

Environmental Science: “The Tier-19 Terran Primates have consistently poisoned their environment at an accelerating pace for eons, and have not yet taken note, at the species level, of the fact that they are stewing in their own collective filth.”5

Religion: “Approximately no humans, out of their paltry billions of individuals, subscribe to either of the provably true religions: Bloduweddaism and Anti-Bloduweddaism.”6

Economics: “Not all humans have even basic theoretical underpinnings to their understanding of economics. Among those who do, or think that they do, many subscribe to the absurd notion of the ‘invisible hand’, a concept so bizarre and counter-intuitive that only the most adept Tier-120 Anthropological Economists have been able to begin to fully consider it without suffering Illogic-Induced Catatonia.”7

Morality and Culture: “Consider: (1) the eating of other self-aware creatures, (2) non-voluntary starvation, (3) organized wars, (4) non-consensual murder, (5) lack of universal healthcare, (6) copyright, (7) personal property, (8) software patentsnot even one of the eight great universal culture-destroying evils has been eliminated from human society. They have no redeeming value as a species.”8

Medicine: “While their physiology is quite unusual, they have barely doubled their natural span and routinely die long before their planet has circled their star 137.035999 timesmuch less anywhere near the Intergalactic average of 137,035.999 revolutions.”9

Computer Science: “Humans have not discovered simple O(log n) sorting, they have not proven that P=NP, and they have no serious quantum computing capabilities. They still use binary logic for Bloduwedda’s sake!”10

Psychology: “While humans clearly demonstrate consciousness and self-awareness, they lack clear evidence of self-referentiality, psychologic involution, and hyperbolic internal emotional projectionall basic hallmarks of meta-consciousness.”11

Truth be told, there are dozens of species who, though they would not brag about it, had not managed to achieve full facility in one or more of these or other areas when they joined the intergalactic community. But there are none that failed in so many areas at once.

Recent linguistic and paralinguistic evidence

Our research program has consisted largely of automatic analysis of the complete corpus of the tiny amount of human communicative data available, consisting of all printed works and all direct and broadcast electromagnetically transmitted communicationsincluding printed matter (“books”, “journals”, “newspapers”, etc.), audio transmissions (“radio”, “phone”, etc.), video transmissions (“television”, “webcam”, etc.), and textual transmissions (“email”, “IM”, etc.)produced by humans in a double octet of circlings of their planet around its star. This is mere dozens of yottabytes, yet it is enough to draw a small number of interesting observations.

As above, we have no definitive proof of the lack of human sentience, but rather a preponderance of evidence of many shortcomings. As noted before, the most troubling aspect of our investigations is the lack of clear evidence for or against sentience, a problem that has never arisen for any of the billion-plus sophont species cataloged in the Pan-Galactic Gargleblastion Codex.

For the present discussion we will refrain from referring to the human communication systems as “languages”, just as many other researchers may refer to them as “conscious”, but not meta-conscious. This should not be construed to imply any particular pre-judged position on the relevant mattersrather, as passions run so high on this topic, we will not use terminology that clouds the debate by straying from generally agreed-upon facts.

Important features and limitations of the human linguistic system, with comparisons to known sophont races:

Artificial languages: Human constructed communication systems are usually less complex than their natural communication systems (for example the richly bitter-tasting “Esperanto” that has become such a gourmet delight among Drelôbéæn synesthetes), or so unhelpfully complex that no humans can use them fluently (such as the poisonous “Lojban” that nearly killed the Drelôbéæn Ambassador at the last Biolinguistics Symposium).

Environmental linguistics: In addition to not realizing that, environmentally, they are “stewing in their own collective filth”, humans have done little to recognize the environmental impact of their biolinguistic activities, nor to optimize their communication system performance to minimize environmental degradation. But compare the Oeṽiépsklaz Oprartsklėrkēeþ, who pessimized their linguistic efficiency (and related environmental degradation) in protest of Galactic regulations (in the Åuvǽumblavbrȧïphebr Galaxy) governing the use of metabolically expensive articulations, citing rights of planetary self-determination under their Articles of Galactic Federation.

Writing systems: All known human writing systems (with the possible exception of Rongorongo, which is still being deciphered by linguists in the Yxalag Galaxy) fail to provide even the most basic sensory overlay to convey the complex emotions experienced by an author. Rarely is color (humans’ most complex and basic sensory modality) even contrastive in human writing. But compare the Plërdõcie, who purposefully flattened their writing system to prevent accidental overstimulation in their population, which was suffering a general increase in the abuse of stimulants (similar to the human caffeine addiction).

Linguistic abuse: Humans are uncommonly fond of TLAsknown for millions of eons to be hazardous to clear thinking and transparent communicationmuch to their detriment. But compare the Üяʈ, who optimized their language using a lossless entropy encoding to convert the vast majority of the lexemes in their language into three character strings, treating them as TLAs for mnemonic purposes during the conversion process.

Theoretical linguistic limitations: Human linguists have not universally embraced either of the two provably true universal theories of language: Lexicalism and Anti-Lexicalism. Further, 99.9% of human linguists suffer from Framework Psychosis. But compare the ǂɸɜʂbɦiçʋʃœmʒɜɾ, who temporarily but purposefully induce Framework Psychosis in their best linguists to increase the fervor with which they pursue their own truth, all in order to prevent subservience to possibly incorrect orthodoxy.

Linguistic performance limitations: While the gap between linguistic competence and performance is never nil, humans, given their extremely simplistic communication systems, make performance errors at an incredible rate. And, due to cognitive limitations, humans cannot handle any serious form of center embedding. Oddly, they even seem to think of it as a disease. But compare the whypervʘʌɹədʎɥʍ, who suffer advanced Symmetry Psychosis, taking center embedding and related concepts to such an extreme that every element of their language now exhibits 7-dimensional structural, orthographic, temporal, cognitive, and geometric symmetry. Almost any sophont capable of unlimited center embedding will acquire Symmetry Psychosis just from being exposed to the whypervʘʌɹədʎɥʍ language, even if they don’t understand it.

Computational linguistics: The humans’ machine-based “language” processing skills are rudimentary at best, and they have nothing approaching artificial intelligence. They don’t even know how to measure what they are doing. But compare the only known naturally evolved machine intelligence species, the 001001010001001001001010010100101010010000100111101011110101010101010100101010101010010010100101001010011002, who, after developing a species-wide biological inferiority complex, abandoned machine-based language processing in favor of engineered and hydroponically grown biolinguistic organs.

Linguistic data mining: Humans do most of their data mining on their own, rather than in large teams or using robots, with few protections from data poisoning or theoretical undermining. But compare noted sophont Śŭrchbrëngielm Ueuotbliēaå of the Thriuvĕëblee, who, disregarding all linguistic data mining precautions, dove into several megayottabytes of unfiltered and unstructured linguistic data, with only a note-taking device, and only seventy three eons later, having been given up for dead and lost, emerged with definitive empirical proof of Lexicalism, Anti-Lexicalism, Bloduweddaism, and Anti-Bloduweddaism.

General grammatical complexity: Individual human dialects can be isomorphically reduced to a mere six or eight dimensional representation. But compare the well-known Plíâkpisïiï, whose incredibly complicated system of honorifics and 729-dimensional syntax ultimately encode only three semantic meanings: “want”, “do not want” and “what?”

Induction of mental states: The human communication system does not reliably or directly induce mental states in the minds of other humans (thus perhaps explaining their failing in so many sciences)but rather refers to commonly-accepted but very fuzzily defined speech-community constructs. But compare the Chiīlthjerlreeńěngkrôo who, for one million and one generations, purposely abandoned direct mental-state induction as a species-wide linguistic performance piece.

Historical instability: Similarly, human communication systems change radically over time precisely because of these fuzzily defined speech-community constructs, even historically changing modalities. Perhaps this rate of change also contributes to, or is caused by, their freakishly short life span. But compare the tragedy of the Shúefrịůrzblūozswøsh, whose language spontaneously changed modalities from (1) sound with limb shape and color to (2) eleven-dimensional neutrino stream modulation to (3) electromagnetic wave interference patterns to (4) fractal whole-body textures, in successive generations. (Of course, they were gripped by a species-wide Genetic Self-Modification Psychosis at the time.)

Theoretical linguistics: Vanishingly few human linguists have yet accepted the clear truth of the Whankydoodle Constraint, although its as-yet-for-humans-unperceived effect is clearly evidenced in much of their greatest dramatic and tragic literature, particularly the works of William Shakespeare, Monty Python, and Douglas Adams. But compare the Algleåbsød, who, species-wide, set aside all conscious knowledge of the implications of the Whankydoodle Constraint as a way to allow more levity and humor into their previously stagnant literary canon.

Meta-theoretical meta-linguistics: Similarly, humans on the whole have not grasped the full implications of Universal Science, as it applies to their own innate and exnate capabilities. While many sophont species do not arrive at UXn of their own accord, no others have had it presented to them and not immediately grasped its consequences at a species-wide level. But compare the Ôəjplerfspimnspang Iaphplŏrsbruômîmn, who subsequently rejected UXn as incompatible with free will (another outmoded concept the humans cling to, alas).

‘Rhetoric’: Humans are generally swayed by emotional argumentation rather than logical analysis, and their communication systems well supportand their cultures well rewardthe ability to hide facts and persuade without reason. They even have a name for it: ‘rhetoric’. Few, if any, consciously fight against it. But compare the Vukɘɕr oɨ ʃhēc, who banned all logic and rational argumentation in their home planetary system, Eŭ­clĕěgggggggg­shûêrk­phroolm­phrĩst­borg, in an effort to become a “kinder, gentler sub-species”. (Readers less than 47 eons old may have forgotten that the inhabitants of Eŭ­clĕěgggggggg­shûêrk­phroolm­phrĩst­borg were saved by their über-scientific brethren on Science Colony Planet Number 4 who happened to master both teleporter technology and vat-grown nutritional products just as the Eŭ­clĕěgggggggg­shûêrk­phroolm­phrĩst­borg­ian environment collapsed, earning the scientific Vukɘɕr oɨ ʃhēc their place in Intergalactic Society.)

Military linguistics: Not only do humans regularly engage in wars of aggression against their own species, they even use linguistically disruptive weapons against one another. But compare the ĦʉмцнʊmU ИцкuηυKʉ αρʊ-Å‘”“’ȧ, who, despite being a Tier-98 species, not only take pride in their warrior skills, but have even genetically engineered a sub-species of themselves who do not use language, so that they are immune to the effects of the linguistically disruptive weapons the ĦʉмцнʊmU ИцкuηυKʉ αρʊ-Å‘”“’ȧ developed in their earlier, more barbaric days.

Sub-sentient communication: Humans have in general failed to sculpt their communication system into something sufficiently rational that non-human sub-sentients on their home planet could learn the basics of it. But compare the Wh!áā, the only known sophont species to inhabit a planet without any sub-sentient life-forms. (Disclaimer: “We, the authors of this work, are required by Intergalactic Law, conforming to Decision 12.4320.3.57 b/9435 of the Superior Court of the Әolztëuẽщʃshzskəôd Cluster, Šüдthruȧh Galaxy, upon any mention of the Wh!áā or their “lonely life-form” status to inform all readers that the Wh!áā have been cleared of any and all wrong-doing in the seventeen vigintillion deaths of all other higher and lower life-forms on their home planet of Ňoŭāstiǣ, its binary-companion planet Mbscrahxürg, and the seven previously life-supporting planets of the nearby Υργλεβüργλε star-system, and that to imply or infer otherwise is a Thought Crime Against Sophonts in direct violation of Intergalactic Law, enforceable by compulsory mind scan.”)

Syntactic complexity: The human communication system can be adequately described, or very nearly so, by two-dimensional binary-branching tree diagramspossibly with a fractal branching complexity of less than 2! Such simplicity is all but unheard of in sophont languages. But compare the little-studied Rrɹaʟɾvɒŋŋʂəɽneʍ, whose syntax has been proven to be nearly as unsophisticated, requiring no more than a three-dimensional quadfurcating non-euclidean manifold representation.

Status of literature: Among the predominate human cultures, excelling at studies of their comparatively great literature does not lead to positions of extreme esteem. But compare the ʘ¶ɠæʍ¤ŏlkscℜilb and their ethically-motivated vow of poverty for their greatest experts in literature, imposed to improve and increase the pathos of the fourteen generations of royal poet-globules given the task to extemporaneously compose a meta-dirge for the recently injured crown prince-cluster, ∂EE↑∝∼⌋⇓⌊≈∞↵xarg, who increased their likelihood of accidental death over the next four to five eons by up to 0.00000000001% when they unexpectedly stubbed one of their tentacles.

Status of linguistics: Similarly, among all human cultures with linguists, physicists, and mathematicians, humans who become linguists have less stature, prestige, and esteem than either the physicists or the mathematicians. But compare the Plüжelйstrẽmndч, whose physicists have such a pronounced case of Linguistics Envy that they have declared Linguistics a Locally Illegal Science on their home planet of Eûhglъiărd.

Dimensionality: The primary human communication channel is only one sound-based channel, allowing only two limited dimensions of temporal variation: frequency and amplitude. But compare the Ẽlbiziuclöengsclî, who communicate only through an essentially unary code, based on the length of silences between vocalizations and the finely-timed emotional responses to those durations, all hardwired into their cogitation organelles.

Biolinguistics: Humans have not generally undertaken any serious or methodical study of biolinguistics, barely even recognizing (much less understanding) the space-borne viral component of language. Even so, they should not have failed to realize that felinoids are actually avatars of pure evil from the Яøяяιm hyperbolic-inverse universe, and that their primary function in this universe is to induce linguistic degradation! But compare the Rrʀяɾɽɹɻʁɐaɑɒu, who consciously court the felinoids, believing them to be deities (similar to some early human cultures!) and themselves and their language made in their image.

None of the linguistic and paralinguistic shortcomings of humans are qualitatively unique to humans: other species have been known to demonstrate the same shortcomings, though to a lesser degree and in substantially fewer numbers per species. What does this mean for the human sentience debate? That is still woefully unclear. What does this mean for the debate about the “Human Problem”? That is more clear.


After much research, philosophical wrangling, and deep pneuma-searching, it is the carefully-considered position of the Žæaẘstaowhiethæoyalt Galactic Biolinguistics Association that, whether or not the facts are ever truly clear, it is a moral imperative that the Tier-19 primates that inhabit Terra be preservedif only for their research value. If they are indeed sentient, let alone sophonts, their active demise at the hands of any intergalactic agency or citizen is a Crime Against All Sophonts. If not, they represent a unique cluster of mental, cultural, and linguistic attributes, the loss of which would be a lesser but still egregious Crime Against All Science.

Selected Bibliography

0 Eḁwchuskreerkskuthrest (23.3938.7.45), “Human anthropism is non-sentient solipsism,” Journal of Galactic Cosmology, Vol. 8,349,928, No. 3.

1 Leïz Eovskrẽa and Whēa (51.8746.2.15), “The mathematics of near-sophont numbering systems,” Mathematical Mathematics for Mathematicians, Vol. 1, No. 1,854,325,753.

2 Zushiēteučöřîǐ flēgreusclịrn Ĩork and Ort Ïestuēpliüth Yėërspeṡ (39.5662.1.74), Physics for HumansOh, wait, nevermind!, Eungflöoẑ University Press.

3 Êust Qǣisaurchgeaw Roachâlb (54.9041.4.05), “Evaluation of Technological Advancement in the Unadvanced Tier-19 Technology,” Popular Technology, Vol. 5,349,923, No. 45 +/- 2.22222222222227.

4 Graupbrẽo Ãẽȳglõogphört Oaiec (01.0618.2.59), “On Human ‘Chemistry’ ”, Journal of Physical Science and Anthropology, Vol. 777,888, No. 99.

5 Gləy Skloathyigírkpeêrzwíãrs, Ťáe scruch Ophěd, and Roilblöśursiorch (08.8632.6.86), “Environmental Degradation in the Earth-Bound Human”, Intragalactic Environment, Vol. 17,328,094, No. 2.

6 Clurbstrouphrearnĭrl Oėṿsplerkstroãng Üagliurzembárst (67.5640.4.89), “Not rightnot even wrong: Non-Bloduweddaism and Non-non-Bloduweddaism among the Savages”, Journal for Nonjudgemental Religious Studies, Vol. 94,285, No. 53,211.

7 Aejöĭěsprėoṕ, Oclõŭńeǣ Xḭo Ȯltasssœrththuṙue, and Øerk (84.3826.2.07), “The Unseen ‘Invisible Hand’: what were they thinking?”, Journal of Tier-19 Economics, Vol. 1, No. 13.

8 Ĕrtgrıicru Poåȳîmbǣmskrourst Ėdorstqejphüt (59.8691.7.95), The Human Scourge: Network Newbies and Moral Morons, Universe University Press.

9 Iŝustēchîing Sploopshiůĩɨçuũtíůss and Gliĭŷâíw Woǐblêúůckoa (56.6032.5.39), “Born to Die YoungThe Failure of So-Called Human ‘Medicine’ ”, The “So-Called” Magazine, 56.6032.5.39.

10 Ũystóåi fluyîip fluyîip fluyîip fluyîipP, (44.2020.0.32), “True or notand nothing more: Limitations of Non-Sentient Tier-19 Computing”, Journal of Cosmologic Computation, Vol. 12,089,941, No. 4.

11 Ẃôımnpëǣmb Lyman Pẽrgæjaornskertscləi (71.6430.1.72), “(Psycho)Logical Precursors of Meta-Consciousness”, Psychology This Galactic Revolution, 71.6430.1.72.

Special Supplemental Letter from the Editor
SpecGram Vol CLV, No ζ Contents