Zapping Words, Averting Aversion—M.O.I.S.T. SpecGram Vol CLXXVIII, No 1 Contents The Peristaltic Meditations of Noam Chomsky—Book Announcement from Xerus & Ratufa Press

Stolen Property Advisory

SpecGram Major Crimes Division

Four days ago, a person or persons unknown broke into the Speculative Grammarian phonetics laboratory and made off with several pieces of equipment that were being used in ongoing research. Despite the insistence of the police that “there’s no way these punks’ll try to unload, stuff,” the editorial board has decided to issue an advisory to all linguistics departments with phonetics laboratories to report any shady characters that might approach them in the guise of phoneticians with surplus equipment to sell at special low.REDUPL prices. If you are so approached, we urge you to report the offer immediately to the police and, if possible, forthwith to forcefully pummel the person or persons into bloodied unconsciousness and secure them (preferably in a poorly ventilated, mold-infested, soundproof recording room in the sub-basement) with handcuffs, chains, lashes, twist-ties, binder clips, packing tape, very rough twine, barbed wire, or other common phonetic lab equipment. Furthermore, our journal will gladly publish any results obtained from physiologico-phonetic studies (high-intensity long-term myelography, comparative anatomical studies of the pharynx, ultra-high-voltage intrusive myography of the vocal tract, etc.) or instrumental-acoustic studies (acoustic correlates of various classes of nociception, etc.) performed on said subjects.*

However, if you are offered a 1936 Ditto, Inc., Spirit Duplicator, you are welcome to acquire it. Although it was bequeathed to us by a former intern who lucked into a job as a kindergarten teacher, the majority of the editorial board considered it too modern and untried a technology and refused to have anything to do with it, so stealing it just cleared out some much-needed space, and it turned out that interns are cheaper than copying fluid anyway.

* Suggestions for research topics and general guidelines for research without the intervention of human subjects committees may be obtained from Butch McBastard ℅ SpecGram.

Zapping Words, Averting AversionM.O.I.S.T.
The Peristaltic Meditations of Noam ChomskyBook Announcement from Xerus & Ratufa Press
SpecGram Vol CLXXVIII, No 1 Contents