Ten New Commandments for Linguists—Trey Jones, et al. Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca Contents The Phone-of-the-Month Club—Advertisement

New Advances in Morpheme Detoxification

Directorate Opposing Glottological Morpheme Abuse1

As reported by the Council On Morpheme Abuse as early as 1978, the use and abuse of morphemes constitutes a serious threat to our society.

Over the years, the general public has become more aware of morphemes, and their use has become common even in elementary schools. Most children nowadays know about some kinds of morphemes, usually by their “street” names, such “affixes” and “suffixes”. Those who study morphemes scientifically call them by their formal names: “free”, “bound”, “derivational”, and “inflectional”; some variants are called “allomorphs”. Morphemes are used differently in different societies and cultures. German philologists Friedrich and August von Schlegel studied and classified the different ways different peoples combine morphemes in the early 1800’s, and our level of scientific understanding of morphemes has grown over the centuries.

But no matter what they are called or how they are used, morphemes are dangerous. And no matter how much has been learned by those who study morphemes, there has never been much hope for morpheme addicts.

Until now.

Our newly developed program counteracts the addiction of morphemes and detoxifies the addict. It is a difficult but rewarding process, though most people cannot do it alone. Long-time morpheme users will experience severe withdrawal symptoms, and those who attempt to self-detox put themselves at great risk.

Morpheme addiction can develop very rapidly when an individual uses morphemes for any length of time. Morphemes are so addictive because of the way they activate the brain’s linguistic analytic reward systems. The euphoria of that intense stimulation causes the individual to crave morphemes and to focus their activities around further morpheme use. The fact that morphemes activate the brain’s linguistic analytic reward mechanisms and their ability to chemically alter the normal functioning of those systems produces the addiction. Morpheme use also reduces the individual’s level of awareness of syntax, semantics, and pragmatics, harming their ability to communicate or even to be fully aware of other conversational participants.

Morpheme withdrawal symptoms include but are not limited to:

• lacrimation    • insomnia    • nausea    • vomiting    • diarrhea
• logorrhea • glossolalia • aphasia • apraxia • dysarthria

Morpheme withdrawal symptoms typically peak in 36 to 72 hours. Without treatment, withdrawal symptoms usually subside within five to seven days, though cravings for morphemes may continue for many months. In many standard treatment plans, lexemes are often used to ease the pain associated with morpheme addiction withdrawal. The outcome of lexeme treatment is typically an addiction to lexemes, and, ultimately, continued morpheme use. Home or out-patient morpheme detox rarely succeeds in breaking the cycle of morpheme addiction.

The best way to break the cycle of addition to morphemes is to go cold-turkey, abruptly ending the use of morphemes without the aid of lexemes or other under-motivated theoretical constructs, in the linguistically controlled environment of an inpatient rehabilitation center. At the Lexicon Inpatient Addiction Recovery Center, you or your loved one will be treated with the utmost care by our trained and experienced lexicalists during this difficult time.

Come to the L.I.A.R. Center and find the safe place you seek to get the treatment you need.

1 Funded in part by the Lexicalist Omnipotent Omniscient Necromancers and the Word-and-paradigm Incentivization Master Program. D.O.G.M.A. and L.I.A.R. are gratitudinally indentured to both L.O.O.N and W.I.M.P.

Ten New Commandments for Linguists—Trey Jones, et al.
The Phone-of-the-Month Club—Advertisement
Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca Contents