Effolk dialect

The Effolk dialect (/ˈɛfək/, though other stress patterns are common) is a dialect supposedly spoken in the region of Effolk, if it exists. While rarely attested in modern times, some words and phrases of the dialect are reported by the survivors of interactions with the Effolkers.

Distribution

The Effolk dialect is spoken in Far East Anglia, a subregion of Doggerland, the latter named for a traditional activity enjoyed by Effolkers. The European Geographical Society does not recognize the existence of Far East Anglia, as decided in their 2019 meeting in Bielefeld, Germany, whose existence they also do not recognize. Satellite photography shows little evidence that Far East Anglia exists, at least at high tide. The large number of shipwrecks and pirate attacks reported in that area have led some[who? morons?] to question whether the Effolk conspiracy is that it does exist or that it doesn’t.

Classification

In monogenetic classification, the Effolk dialect is assumed to be part of the East Anglian English branch of English. Effolk English shares many similarities with Norfolk dialect in vocabulary, with a liberal sprinkling of terms deriving from Thieves’ cant. However, featural differences suggest a completely different substrate of a pre–Celtic language, known theoretically as either Doggerbank Germanic or Doggerbank Mermanic.

Features

Accent

Effolk dialect sounds very different from Received Pronunciation and even from geographically adjacent dialects in England. Several characteristics are particularly distinguishing:

• Glottal stops are often substituted for /t/ or other stops. However, glottal stops are frequently non-phonemically produced as a side-effect of attempting to clear seawater from the vocal tract. Distinguishing between these glottal stops is nearly impossible for non-native speakers. It has been theorized that glottal stops and vowels alone are additionally used as a cryptolect, especially by the Davies.
• The foot–strut split is fully developed. Ironically, the split of native speakers’ feet is not always developed, due to the local evolutionary advantages of webbed feet.
• G-dropping, H-dropping, and yod-dropping are all common, as is the dropping of many other things, as Effolkers are reputed to be especially clumsy. Visitors are advised not to drop their guard when in the area.

Vocabulary

• dang (the mist that is ever present)
• Davy Javy navy (from “Davy Jones’ navy” and often shorted to “Davies”, a group of Effolkers gathered to ensure that a passing ship makes it to the bottom of the sea after being lightened of its valuable cargo)
• Doyle flunking (similar to dwile flonking, a pub game in which a narly dree rag is tossed at a team of rival patrons; also, what inevitably happens when an Effolker named Doyle goes to school in the dreelinds)
• dreelinds (“dry lands”, i.e., the rest of England)
• gated (short for “relegated”, the perennial result for the Undies)
• hoi-learn’d (adjective describing someone who can write, even if some of the letters are backwards)
• loity-floity (a portable lighthouse used to trick unsuspecting navigators)
• low toiders (originally an exonym for Effolkers based on their language and location, now proudly adopted as an endonym)
• lummoxin pippinship (a slow cargo ship about to meet the Davy Javy navy)
• narly dree (“nearly dry”, i.e., still wet, but less wet than it was)
• ’tsums (flotsam and jetsam, two of the main drivers of the Effolk economy)
• Underland A.F.C.W.P.C. (a.k.a. the “Undies”, the former football club of the county town of Effolk, which broke its streak of being gated by switching to water polo)

Effolk dialect is reputed to have more than 50 terms for water, including the unspellable /ʔəʔə/, glag, door (pronounced /duːr/), blue gold, Texas tea starter, boaty-floaty, poirits d’loit (from “pirate’s delight”), whale-road tarmac, wooder, apun-melt, chunka dang, steamsicles, vodkishe (from “big vodka”), skeetars (from “sky tears”), Poseidon’s bedsheets, and blub (pronounced with third tone and a shake of one’s tail fin).

Mutation

Effolk English shows vestiges of an early consonant mutation system, possibly of Celtic origin. The letter C is often changed to G, especially in chromosomal contexts.

Grammar

Effolk dialect is the only known variety of English to use half-integer ordinal personal pronouns. The most frequently used such pronouns are 1.5^th-person possessive forms such as myer, which is generally employed to designate alienable ownership that is going to transfer from the addressee to the speaker, possibly before the sentence is complete.

There are rumors that Effolk dialect has 2.5^th-person forms as well, implying that the listener is soon to be reunited with Odin in Valhalla, again possibly before the sentence is complete. The most commonly attested forms combine a 1SG subject with a 2.5PL object. Sentences with a 1PL subject and a 2.5SG object are unattested, perhaps due to survivorship bias.

References

The examples in this article come from Malice in Underland, Frank Quipley’s heroic[that’s your opinion, Frank] account of linguistic discovery and nautical adventures in Effolk.