Sche was a brilliant billionaire businesswoman; he was an early career articulatory phonetician with a massive student debt and a schmouldering passion for unstressed mid-central vowels.

Sche schmoozed him; he was schmitten. They schwaltzed schwowly across the tile floor of the articulatory phonetics laboratory.

Sche held him close and schwhispered, ‘Have you ever been schwacked on the behind with a schwhip? That’ll make you articulate some vowels!’

‘Schwow me!’ he schwaid, schwivering with anticipation ... and they kissed: ‘mwah ... schwah.’