Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.
A conference meant to bring together work in comparative and historical linguistics concluded with the largest brawl ever seen since a phonologist pushed in front of a formalist at the buffet. Proceedings were going as planned until a Dr A. J. Ed argued that manuscript evidence proves that the correct term for a piece of equipment that takes people from one floor to another in a building was a “lift” and not an “elevator.” Comparative linguist Prof Niall Down disputed this result, quoting current practice in communities lying between the Rio Grande and the Great Lakes. This led to a mass debate, with data, papers and seats being thrown around; accusations being made by British linguists of academic imperialism; and researchers from the USA accusing their British counterparts of laziness in spelling reform. The fracas was ended when the police, bobbies, coppers, bulls and feds all arrived at the same time. Conference chair Prof Philip Metables de Data apologised for the incident and promised that future events would take place in buildings with only one floor.