/nuz baɪts/
Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.
First Conference on Homeopathic Linguistics Held
The town of Lower Dohse, Missouri was the host of the very first conference on Homeopathic Linguistics. This new field, committed to the holistic advancement of alternative linguistics knowledge, was founded by noted linguistics blogger Prof Quentin Uack, previously of Openmouth Community College, a non-incorporated institution where degrees are currently available at the low price of 3 for $10.
In his opening address, Professor Uack argued for the powerful effects of diluted data in linguistics papers. He presented the case of a single phoneme from a Western Uralian dialect proving Universal Grammar, disproving the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, curing cancer and preventing politicians from lying. Similarly, he presented new developments in Retroflexology, where participants were able to utter entire sentences in French, German and Old Irish after pressure was exerted on the relevant areas of their tongues. The final address of the conference, by Tim Kyoob-Guy, exhorted attendees to go out and spread the word to their colleagues, despite the weight of scientific evidence, the ire of field linguists and the likelihood that they will never be invited to any party ever again.
Serial entrepreneurial failure, ex-MD., ex-Ph.D., and disgraced and allegedly defalcating ex-CEO of ex-business Linguopathic Pharmacies Reginald R. R. Rapscallion was unable to attend the conference—despite his claims of having created the field of Homeopathic Linguistics in 2007—due to a variety of restraining orders. The crudely hand-lettered sign he carried as he marched and mumbled in his one-man picket line attempted to express his feelings about the conference, but as he used 100x homeopathic ink, the content of his message was too dilute to interpret.
