[The following was received in response to the recently published article “On Apparent “Systematic Suppletion” in Ksotre” by Angus Æ. Balderdash, Esq. and Julienne Autolycus, Ph.D. of the Open Universe Open University, Jupiter City, Tvashtar Paterae, Io. A rough translation of the original hyperbolic neural activation pattern is provided by our newly updated AutoGrammatikon™ quasi-universal translator.—Eds] Grammarians of Over-eager Speculation, [Translated and projected into Euclidean 2-space— p balderdash a a x e e glut possum d y l p i euphoriant r e i c orb dilettantes a l e b m s i r loco huckster r —Eds.] Phb*t   D!qaxrrrrrr3rr Search for Terrestrial Sentience Closed Universe Open University Uku Patera, Io —— O Moderately Transcalescent Phb*t, Yes, we thought that might be the case, as well. (Though we detect a subtle hint of intralunar competitiveness.) And please send our regards to your ¤D¤qa¤r¤ Cohort Phb!t   D*qa3rrrrrrxrr. Long may you both subscribe. —Eds. ********** Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the field of linguistics in general. We also accept poorly-written articles that ramble pointlessly. We reserve the right to ridicule the poorly-written ones and publish the well-written ones... or vice versa, at our discretion. You bastards! After revealing my secret proposal and all the trouble doing so put me through, you could have at least have told me that watered-down “Homeopathic Linguistics” had been tried at least twice before: long ago as “sociolinguistics”, and more recently as “documentary linguistics”. I was almost reduced to abject failure, but I was able to manage a hostile takeover of a local homeopathic pharmacy by buying out their distilled water distributor and ratcheting up the wholesale price. I then began including Linguopathic literature with all internet orders. Within days our sales had dodectupled, and now we are the largest supplier of Placebo-Indian-based homeopathic medicine west of the Mississippi. My original plan has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams, and I’ve done it without your help! To show that I am not bitter, I have enclosed a check for $1,000,000, knowing full well that your puritanical linguistic principles will prevent you from cashing it. This really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ha! Again, I say, ha! Reginald R. R. Rapscallion CEO, Linguopathic Pharmacies —— Dear R4, We had thought “Homeopathic Linguistics” sounded familiar. Sorry that didn’t work out for you. We appreciate your donation, and gladly accept it. While we would not stoop to make money from linguistics ourselves, we will take money from fools. Your generousness will cover day-to-day operational costs for SpecGram for almost a week. Thank you. —Eds. [A few days after we got Mr Rapscallion’s letter, copies of another “anonymous” letter were sent to the Native American Linguistic Defense Fund, the Internal Revenue Service, the North American Syntacticians and Pragmatists Association, and Speculative Grammarian. This letter revealed the bogus nature of both the “Placebo” Indians’ claimed “Native American” status and their claimed tax-exempt status. The NALDF immediately filed a motion in Federal Court that resulted in an injunction preventing Linguopathic Pharmacies from claiming any Native American etymological link to their products. The IRS froze all of their assets and arrested all of the senior officers for falsifying tax documents. NASPA filed a motion in the Superior Court of the International Linguistics Cabal, which resulted in Noam Chomsky himself issuing an edict preventing Linguopathic Pharmacies or anyone associated with them from ever using any linguistics terminology again. The good news is that our check cleared before all this came down. What luck! —Eds.]

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	SpecGram Vol CLIII, No 1 Contents