Saban Restructures Contract, Becomes Nation’s Highest-Paid Linguist

SpecGram Wire Services

Nick Saban, head linguist at the University of Alabama, has been rewarded for his recursive series of successful seasons with a newly-restructured contract. The deal will pay Saban an average of $7.3 million per year over 23 years. Performance bonuses would allow Saban to earn up to an additional $1.2 million per year. Barring offseason deals for other prominent linguists, the deal makes Saban the highest-paid college linguist in the United States.

Humanities Director James Grant Carmichael II described Saban’s new contract as both “functional” and “generative,” and as “further evidence of the University of Alabama’s synchronic and diachronic commitment to field championship linguistics teams.”

Although Alabama’s linguistics team lost a pragmatics contest to Auburn last season, and was narrowly defeated by Miami (Ohio) University in its season-ending Semantics Cup/Mug game, Saban’s teams have won a statistically significant number of the last five national championships, and continue to add to their corpus, with yet another highly-ranked recruiting class arriving on campus this fall.

Saban did not complete question-answer pairs about his new contract. His spokesman said, “Coach Saban_i told me to tell you that he_i wants to keep the focus of our successful Linguistics Department on the student linguists who take the field every day for the University of Alabama. He says that he expects this year’s team to compete elegantly for championships in all subdisciplines. Occam’s Razor demands nothing less than another national title for Coach Saban, or so he told me.”

Several of Saban’s assistant linguists were also given new contract deals. Notable among these was Phonetics Coordinator Lane Kiffin, who received a raise of $125,000, which licenses the claim that Kiffin has the highest salary of any Phonetics assistant in the nation.

Linguistics undergraduates will be slightly affected patients, as tuition fees are raised by a modest 23% next year, while graduate students may be semantic beneficiaries, as their fees remain stable. However, several teaching assistantships are expected to be deleted to finance the increases in the coaching staff’s salaries, which may license the movement of some graduate students to different universities.

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