Are you tired of dealing with smarmy human translators who talk back and ask awkward questions? Are you paying more for your translations than you spend on biscuits? Do you wish you could source interpreters 24/7 for less than your subscription to Management Nonsense Quarterly? Look no further!
Here at Smart Chimp Languages, we have found the ideal answer to all your interpreting and translation worries: monkeys! They are fun, they are fast and best of all, we pay them peanuts! This means we can pass the savings (and the shavings) on to you!
Want to have 16,000 words translated in a single hour? No worries! We send your documents through our secure Customer Raster And Passer (sCRAP) system straight to our team of dedicated chimpanzees on typewriters. You have heard they can write Shakespeare
What about interpreting? Here at Smart Chimp Languages, we have the perfect answer for that too: apes with calculators! After all, interpreting is just replacing one word with another, language is nothing but logic and logic is really just maths without the boredom! Our patented “POOFLING”™ system guarantees that our interpreters will deliver content that is just as valuable and memorable as your own. All that and, unless there is a PETA member nearby, working hours are entirely dependent on your supply of bananas. No need for lavatory breaks, no need for lunch, just stock ’em up on fruit and leave ’em to it!
Smart Chimp: We Care About Our Customers as Much as You Care About Yours!
Editor’s Note: Upon receipt of the above advertisement and the accompanying check, we immediately (1) deposited the check and (2) called the police in the company’s hometown to report an apparent case of animal cruelty. SpecGram readers should therefore not attempt to hire the company to do translation for them, since the company has been shut down, the managers are awaiting trial, and the translators themselves have launched a class action suit, using a combination of Yerkish and symbolic logic. However, we felt obligated to run the ad, since we’ve already used the fee to buy a new office refrigerator.
Speculative Grammarian: We take your money and get you thrown in jail!