The Phonetician’s Love Poem—Epiphanios o Phantasiopliktos SpecGram Vol CLXI, No 1 Contents Supplemental Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know—Madalena Cruz-Ferreira

The Linguistic Rapture

by LaTim ElHaye and Leeeerooooy Jiŋkins

We have been watching with interest the ongoing debate in Speculative Grammarian over the so-called “ultimate truth” of cosmolinguology. The arguments for and against the various linguistic bangs, crunches, rips, freezes, and bounces have been fascinating, but all are ultimately hollow and meaningless because they are made by theolinguistically uniformed physicolinguists. Even an amoral neo-Chomskyite lexicalist Bloduweddan knows that only theolinguistically-motivated accounts, such as wrathful dispersion, are even possibly relevant in discussions of the true fate of the linguoverse.

Chachu’s linguistic singularity denies the psycholinguistohistory of our species, and his multiverse is patently absurd. Several of Nibiru’s doomsday scenarios are plausible, though his understanding of the causes and purposes thereof is theolinguistically immature. They are symptoms of the Great Lip Flapping (also know as the Trillbulation) that will be inflected upon the wretched speakers among us who have not seen the Light of the One True Way. Those who follow the Light will be lifted Langue and Parole to the Greatest Vowel Height in the Linguistic Rapture. Those left behind for the Trillbulation will suffer greatly as, one by one, the Seven Silent Letters are Spoken, and the Four Hortatives of the ApocopePostfixilence, Wordiness, Feminine Rhyme, and Diathesisare unleashed upon the world.

Only the faithful, the pure, and the true will be taken up to the Greatest Vowel Height in the Linguistic Rapture. So, teach your children well. Protect them from the dangers of modal stacking, infixation examples in English, and rap music and the barbarism of -izzle. Avoid neologism and libertine prescriptivists. Use semicolons and the passive voice correctly, or not at all. In the words of St. William of Safire, “Speak as ye wouldst write, but do not write as ye wouldst speak, for the lazy tongue can misguide even the most diligent hand.”


The Phonetician’s Love PoemEpiphanios o Phantasiopliktos
Supplemental Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t KnowMadalena Cruz-Ferreira
SpecGram Vol CLXI, No 1 Contents