Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca
Style Sheet and Submission Guidelines

By Eddy Turr

[To give the appearance that we are inundated with manuscripts and busy at all times, we ask you to make the editing process as time-consuming, grueling, arduous, and painstaking as possible. By doing so, you keep us occupied and delay publication so our readers don’t get burned out. Please consider the following style sheet before sending us your manuscript. —Eds.]

1. Style sheet

1.1 General information

Paper size: We only accept US letter paper (8 1/2 inches by 11 inches). A4 paper (in cm.) is just far too complicated.

Font: Use any font that takes up a lot of space and looks ‘exciting’.

Font size: Use a 14 inch font. Hey, it got you through college, didn’t it?

Margins: Please use 1.5 inch margins all around. For an explanation why, see ‘Font size’ above.

Line spacing: Please go to ‘Format’, then ‘Paragraph’ and then use “at least” for line spacing at 14 inch font. You know you’ve always wanted to, so here is your chance.

Page Limit: We honestly won’t read after 5 pages, so 5 is a good number to shoot for. If longer, we will just skim the ‘Conclusion’ section.

Embedded fonts: Please do not embed fonts, especially for phonetic symbols. All of the editors here enjoy playing ‘Guess that symbol’ on Friday nights. If we can’t figure it out, don’t worry, we won’t bother you; we’ll just add something we think is close.

Justification: Please make sure the manuscript is fully-justified. That is, please list all of the reasons and arguments relevant as to why you wrote this manuscript in the first place. Include three letters of recommendation from trustworthy people who you think know you well.

Indentation: Please use the space bar, and not the ‘Tab’ key. You need to see how we used to do it in the ‘olden times’. Plus, this way it’ll throw everything off later in the final version, which makes for a very interactive reading experience.

Hyphenation: Please manually hyphenate everything. This will wreak havoc on our editing staff and make you appear ‘old-school’, as-they-say.

Hyperlinks: Please put in URL links in a highlighted, bright blue, and underlined fashion. They will be rendered useless in our final online edition of the anthology, but we like to know that the readers who access the online version are repeatedly clicking on the links in an attempt to go to the desired location.

Color: Please use different colors throughout your document to make it look nice and snazzy. The final edition is only in black-and-white, but you will at least gain the experience.

Headers and footers: Please include page numbers, starting from page 1. One author will be chosen at random to actually start the issue and will be given a complimentary gift. All others will have to re-do their headers with the correct page numbers.

‘Macros’: Make sure you enable ‘Macros’ in your document. We don’t know what they are, but they make you look Word-savvy.

Wording: Please vary between the use of ‘s/he’, ‘he/she’, ‘she/he’, and ‘they’ to make sure your reader isn’t day-dreaming and is still focused on your manuscript.

‘Smart tags’: We don’t know what they are and neither do you; quit fibbing.

Foreign words: Please do not include the respective English gloss for foreign words; our readers really should know the language you’re talking about anyway; after all, we are all linguists, right?

1.2 Section-specific information

Section headings: Please use as many sections and subsections as possible. This gives the appearance that you are ultra-detailed and adds prestige to our journal. We recommend a minimum of four subsections (e.g. 1.1.1.1) for each section.

Title: CAPITALIZE EVERYTHING. THIS MAKES THE READER UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ENERGETIC ABOUT YOUR TOPIC (AND FULL OF CAFFEINE)!!!

Show some responsibility: To protect yourself from any embarrassing errors, please put an asterisk at the end of the title to mark your first endnote in which you state the following: “Only others are responsible for the shortcomings in this paper—I had nothing to do with them.”

Author information: We highly recommend including as many authors as possible. You know what they say, ‘There is power in numbers!’.

Affiliation: Are you really a member of all those professional organizations you list? Please only list those professional organizations for which you are currently a member. A note to professors: please quit fibbing by saying you are still a grad student to receive cheaper dues. We periodically check to see if you have updated your status, so please be honest.

Abstract: Please send an abstract of the manuscript as a separate document. We’ll wait until you have all of your figures and tables perfectly, and laboriously, placed within your manuscript and then we’ll ask you to insert the abstract at the very beginning of the paper. This way, it will throw everything off and you will have to arrange everything again. Finally, please keep the abstract to fewer than 100 words. As readers, we really just want to ‘dive-in’, so keep it short please.

Keywords: Please choose a few words at random from the manuscript and add them to the ‘keywords’ section; this is quite impressive to the reader.

Examples: Please use any style you like! We do recommend, however, the use of Latin words and abbreviations when talking about them. Therefore, we encourage the use of the following throughout your manuscript: e.g., i.e., cogito ergo sum, ipso facto, nota bene (don’t put N.B., it’s better just to spell it out). Finally, when you get painfully off-topic, you can remedy that by saying ‘via a caveat’, and all is well again.

Endnotes: Please use endnotes, and not footnotes. This way, your confusing explanations to thoughtful feedback can all be put in one place; readers are not going to take the time to look at each point made while reading the article, so it is less painful this way.

Tables and Figures: Please make sure your tables and figures are ‘camera-ready’. That means they should all be smiling, not blinking, and saying ‘cheese’ before you turn in the final version of your manuscript. With regard to placement, please put them at the end of the manuscript. We’ll insert them at random throughout the manuscript to enhance the reading experience. Studies show the vast majority of our readership enjoys Sudoku, so we try to make the comprehension of the articles challenging, which apparently motivates the readers to try and figure out which table or figure should properly go with its respective (sub)section. Remember: each (sub)section can have one and only one table or figure.

Appendices: Please insert after the body of the paper and endnotes, but before the references, yet right below the tables and figures. You get the point.

Reference citation: Please use a combination of LSA, MLA, APA, or The Chicago Manual of Style reference styles. We don’t want our reader’s getting bored by all the stale uniformity. For specific examples on how to reference, please see the links below that contain outdated secondary sources that list previous versions of each of the above-mentioned reference styles.

Author’s names: Please abbreviate author’s first names. By doing so, should you ever need a reference for other publications and want to ‘copy and paste’, you will have to endlessly search the net for his/her first name.

Your contact information: Please do not include your email, and snail mail is beyond passé. Just include your FaceBook webpage link—even if no one contacts you, we want to be your friend.

Final note: Please be shure and prof-read you’re work! Their has been some bad prof-reading in the passed, and it will prolly have an affect on the publication date in the future. If you have questions, please send a email to either Bob or I. You wood bee surprised by how many people dont check there work before finully sendint it. You should definately look it over ferst.

2. Submission guidelines

2.1 Submission format

All submissions must in both Word and .pdf formats. We use an outdated edition of Microsoft Office, so please keep this in mind. Advanced formatting functions such as bold or italicized fonts are not recommended.

If you are using a Mac, please be considerate and right-click when requested. If you are not sure how to convert a Word document to .pdf, please go to the following link, which is currently under construction (and will be until your deadline has passed). For LATEX users, we have no idea what that is, so please do not ask if we accept it. In fact, please fill us in on what it is so we feel part of the ‘in-group’.

Once you feel the manuscript is ready, or at least when you are sick of looking at it, please send it to us via email. Please make sure the manuscript has been properly attached and that all of your boring quotes in your signature section have been removed. If you forget, don’t worry; after all, ‘To err is human; to forgive, divine” -*-*-*- Alexander Pope -*-*-*-.

2.2 Deadlines

Our deadlines always fall on a Saturday, which leaves the impression that we dutifully check our emails on the weekends. We say it is a ‘hard deadline’, so you have to hurry after a long work-week, but we’ll really check it on Monday morning. Or will we?

We note in passing that our deadlines are also conveniently placed right around your busiest times of the semester. Be honest, you’re a Type A personality, so you like the hectic schedule.

2.3 Contact information

We’ll (I’ll?) always respond with “The Editors” so you will have no idea how to address us (or me?) in your emails. For your corrections, we (I?) will send you a long list of corrections, give you a few days to make these corrections, and then we (I?) will set up an “on vacation” or “out of office” automated email response, so that you can’t ask us (me?) to elaborate on anything.

3. FAQs

Question: How do I insert a syntax tree?

Answer: Oh, brother. Does anyone still do that?

Question: Are you a refereed journal?

Answer: Yes, because we do reject those manuscripts whose authors ask us why we write ‘at’ instead of putting ‘@’ when listing our email on the website.

Question: What is the difference between ‘Works Cited’ and ‘References’?

Answer: That is what we say....what’s the difference?

Question: Do you prefer em-dash or en-dash?

Answer: Dude, just say ‘hyphen’.

Question: How does the word ‘use’ differ in meaning from ‘usage’?

Answer: We have no idea.

Question: When will you notify me of my acceptance/rejection?

Answer: See answer to previous question.

Question: Shouldn’t I include more contact information?

Answer: No need. Has anyone ever really contacted you?

	False Friends—Trey Jones
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