The SpecGram Pledge Drive—A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief SpecGram Vol CLXXXI, No 1 Contents /nuz baɪts/

Letters to the Editor

Dear Editors,

In switching to the Latin alphabet, Kazakhstan will use apostrophes instead of digraphs or diacritics for certain phonemes, such as the one that sounds like they still have a piece of shashlik stuck in their throats. My English class is taking up a collection of apostrophes to help them through their transition. More precisely, I have salvaged bags of erroneously included apostrophes in possessive “its” and various plurals, and my class are blissfully unaware (of this and of lots of things, clearly).

I see that Ms. Gorman and Mr. NDour-t Hooft are already minimizing their apostrophe footprint. We hope that you all will contribute to our campaign. This is an urgent humanitarian issue! When Turkey switched to the Latin alphabet in 1928, they counted on a large shipment of diacritics. Unfortunately, a war-ravaged Weimar Republic could barely afford to contribute any Umlaute. Turkey managed the dot shortage as best they could, but to this day the Turkish “i” (ı) is oft untittlated.

Mark Overton
P.S. 39, Manhattan (KS)

P.S. Please forward the attached apostrophes to Kazakhstan. Our schools budget has been slashed, and we cant afford the international postage.

P.P.S. Dont let the CCCC try to pass off spare commas as apostrophes.

enclosures: two 50 lb. bags of apostrophes (Careful! Sharp!)

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Déáŕ Ḿáŕḱý Ḿáŕḱ,

Śíńćé ýóú ẃŕót́é t́ó úś, t́h́é ṕŕéśíd́éńt́ óf́ Ḱáźáḱh́śtáń h́áś ćh́áńǵéd́ h́íś śóḿéẃh́át́ íd́íóśýńćŕátíć áńd́ áút́óćŕát́íć ḿíńd́ áńd́ éx́ćh́áńǵéd́ t́h́é áṕóśt́ŕóṕh́éś f́óŕ áćút́é áććéńt́ś. Ẃé ẃéŕé áb́ĺé t́ó ćóńv́éŕt́ ýóúŕ ǵéńéŕóúś d́óńát́íóń óf́ áṕóśt́óṕh́éś t́ó áćút́éś, áńd́ ẃé ẃíĺĺ f́óŕẃáŕd́ t́h́éḿ óń t́ó Áśt́áńá, ĺéśś t́h́é óńéś ẃé śṕíĺĺéd́ óń t́h́íś ŕéṕĺý.


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Dear Sirs,

Regarding my recent submission, “A Cognitive Linguistic Study of New Mexico Livestock Metaphors,” I would like to register my strong protest against your dismissive comment, “Cogling doesn’t really have much valuable to say on this point.” Besides the fact that it is rude to reply to anyone by addressing them in the third person, using a 3rd-grade-level distortion of my name to imply that I am merely a diminutive gear in the machinery of the socio-politico-economic system is an affront to my social commitment as an enlightened scholar.

Jacob Grouse Gosling,
Administrative Assistant to the Associate Instructor,
Department of Remedial Services,
North Santa Fe Community College

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Dear Mr. Gosling,

We stand corrected. Clearly the comment should have read, “Tool doesn’t really have much valuable to say on this point.”


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Dear Eds,

After being told that your journal has revolutionized the way linguistics is done, I’ve been reading some of your papers, and I have to say that this isn’t true at all. So many scientists are too much concerned with the destination and don’t pay enough attention to the journey. Alas, the same is true of your journal.

Z. Y. Ecks

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Dear Mr. Mzyxptlk,

What are you talking about? Have you even read more than a paragraph of any of our papers? If we cared about the destination we’d have gone out of print centuries ago.


Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the field of linguistics in general. We also accept poorly-written letters that ramble pointlessly. We reserve the right to ridicule the poorly-written ones and publish the well-written ones... or vice versa, at our discretion.

The SpecGram Pledge DriveA Letter from the Editor-in-Chief
/nuz baɪts/
SpecGram Vol CLXXXI, No 1 Contents