We were greatly pleased to read Mead D’’Cruft’s “Teacher , Teacher on the Wall...” It is a perfect example of our dictum that when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonguistics problems.
Billy “Bully” Bullmoose,
President, Purdue University Normal School,
Linguistics Teaching Department
Or should we say “Bully” for you? We appreciate the hard-
In her feminist criticism of Indo-
We fully agree that the female perspective needs to be included in textbooks. We always ask the ladies in the typing pool what they think of the cover of each and every one of our books, despite the fact that they often have incorrect opinions on the matter.
Richard Manley IV
CEO Manley Press
Publishers of the ___ for Women textbook series
[Note: We considered relaying this missive to Prof. Shopmont, but our lawyers advised against it, as we could be considered accessories to the nuclear hellfire that would likely ensue. So, we dealt with the matter in-house. —Eds.]
Dear Little Man,
In the vernacular of several of my younger colleagues, I can’t even.
Many forms of creative invective have been hurled in the direction of our organization over the years
Clearly, no woman ever has given an opinion of the execrable so-called “design” of the covers of your textbooks; if she had, your ears would still be ringing so soundly that you would not have been able to type your letter! A plaid leather jacket over a an improperly buttoned stripped shirt with popped collar topping cut-
Bless your heart,
Ana Mae Sfivelbú-
Executive Vice Chairwoperdaughter
SpecGram Ladies’ Auxiliary
Editorial Committee for
Chivalrous Linguistics Enlightenment
While I agree with Anita Gormans general take on apostrophes, its still something I cant
DArtagnan ODowd NDour-t Hooft
Dear D’O’N’-’t Have-
The question is, what would the Swedes do? Vi vet inte.
The author of your mid-
Professor of Classical Languages and Literatures
Dear F-H M-G,
Forgive us for the implication, but you’ve forgotten to mind your P’s, too.
Your penchant for putrid poetry has gotten the best of you. You somehow managed to devote one quarter of the December issue to sogennante “verse”. I fear that in future issues nothing but the letters you receive will remain prosaic.
Please desist. My eyes and ears hurt.
Professor of English
Greater University of Johampkinsburg
Dear Lipeäkala Vaalentamiseen,
Note that the omission of the customary “dear” in the salutation is not accidental.
Your editorial ramblings of the October 2017 issue are about what we have grown to expect, and are unworthy even of censure, so I will not bother to provide it here.
Except that your etymological ineptitude once again raises its ugly head, and in a journal ostensibly devoted to linguistics this is intolerable. I refer, of course, to the vacuous inanity you attempt to propagate regarding the term rublication. You did not even bother to consider the evidence, did you?
The provenance of the initial rhotic (Cyrillic р) most certainly clarifies the meaning of the term: monetization of the item in question via conversion to rubles.
Frankly, if you were devoting even a modicum of attention to the funding of major press outlets over the last several months, you would have noticed that all (financial) roads lead to Moscow. There is no money to be made in actual journalism, but the Kremlin pays handsomely.
I hasten to add that no acquaintance of mine has ever considered SpecGram free of nefarious influences to begin with. This is just one additional proof that Marrism is probably the best we can expect from your pages. But still, fake etymologies deserve exposure.
Edward “Victor Ilyich” Smith
MI6 (Foreign Lexicography Division)
London and Moscow
Dear “Edward Smith” (or is that “Єԁѡѧяԁ Ѕмітһ”‽),
First, let us say, “Far be it from [us] to mention your overuse of praeteritio.”
With that out of the way, let us attend to the substance of your letter. And... there’s that sorted
As an aside to any readers who have made it this far in our reply, the judge was sympathetic to our plight, and so we found an outside contractor to provide on-demand “journal-
hilariously in all seriousness, consist of being pummeled with back issues
In a recent submission to your journal reporting on change in progress in contemporary American English, your reviewer’s only comment was to underline the sentence, “47 English-
Martina Vladlenovna Avvakumova
Professor, Department of Linguistics,
University of South Central New Jersey
Dear Prof. Avvakumova,
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-