As the Word Turns—Tom Ernst and Evan Smith Son of Lingua Pranca Contents <i>German</i> in Indo-European—Namtrah Nevets

My Fair Linguist, or Male-Pygion

Tom Ernst and Evan Smith

liberally adapted from G. B. Shaw and Lerner & Loewe1

NARR: London, 1978: The home of Professor Higgins (horse clops). A phonetic drill session in progress. The object: rectify Eliza Yanco’s speech.

Y: And we werre at Charrles’ barr last night and...

H: No, no, no! Why can’t you Yancos learn to speak! You must drop your postvocalic r’s, or else, Yanco, go home! Now repeat that sentence in front of you!

Y: (reading) The carrs on Marrs arre larrgely parrked nearr barrs.

H: No, no, no! Send in that former student of mine! He learnt it well!

(Enter O)

O: The cahs on Mahs ah lahgely pahked neah bahs.

H: Now, Yanco, try it again!

Y: The carrs on Marrs arre larrgely parrked nearr barrs.

H: No, no! Again! No retroflexion!

Y: The cahs on Mahs ah lahgely pahked neah bahs.

H: What!? By Fred, she’s got it! Now once again, where are those bars?

Y: On Mahs, on Mahs!

H: And what do they pahk by bahs?

Y: Why the cahs, why the cahs!

H&Y: (singing to the tune of “The Rain in Spain”) The cahs on Mahs ah lahgely pahked neah bahs.

H: (takes out watch) Well, better stop here. Off with you! Go practicing, so you don’t forget! Off with you then!

(Exit Y; H and O remain)

H: You know, Old Bean, we’ve got her talking properly now, but, oh, her phonology is so complex!

O: Well, have you managed to order her rules?

H: Yes, but it’s got all these intricate conditions... and such constraints on ordering. Fascinating, Old Bean. Just look—(puts rules on board)

[+cen] → ([-cons]) / [-cons]  __V

k0 = f (Classiness, Style)

E  →  
mc2
αgrant
βloan
   /   
αgrant
βloan
+likely 
   __$$

Condition: Labov must not be told about this.2


O: But why must it be so unruly and disorderly? ... so unharmonious?

H: Unharmonious?

O&H: (singing, to the tune of “Wouldn’t it Be Loverly?”)

All we want is a rule somewhere,
One that can apply anywhere,
No angled brackets there!
Ow, wouldn’t it be lov-a-ly?
Ord’ring princ’ples’re what we need,
Rules so natural and rules that bleed,
No bleeding counter-feed(-ing)!
Ow, wouldn’t it be lov-a-ly?


BRIDGE:  No Koutsoudas and Sanders-Noll to get in our hair!
Give me: random sequencing—apply them all if you dare!

I’m fed up with phonology;
Just give me good analogy,
As proport’nate as can be!
Ow, wouldn’t it be lov-a-ly?

H: Levelling?

O: Lov-a-ly!

H: Levelling?

O: No!

H&O: Lov-a-ly!

(H soliloquizes, seeing Y from afar; O remains, listening)

H: Why can’t that woman speak like this man? Why can’t the English learn to... find a counterexample? ... Oh, I suppose her dialect’s not so bad... it’s just a Lingua Yanca. ... Why, I’ve grown accustomed to her r’s—like curling up and curling in... I like her funny r’s now—I like them very much. They’re funnier than Yoruba, more interesting than Dutch. I’ve grown accustomed to her r’s, accustomed to her phrase! Oh, she’s so well-forrmed! Oh, I’m talking like herr! What a melodious sound!

H&O: (singing, to the tune of “The Street Where You Live”)

I have often talked a blue streak before,
But I never spoke the dialect you speak before.
All at once am I changing [lo] to [hi],
When I’m speaking the dialect you speak!

Are there final stops that will make no sound?
Are there vowels high and low and front and back and round?
I am at a loss, at your isogloss,
When I’m speaking the dialect you speak!

BRIDGE:  And, oh, that towering feeling,
Just to hear those retroflex r’s—
Your syntax just sends me reeling,
Tho’ I have to mark your sentences with stars!

People stop and stare, it’s not troubling,
Even though I’m starting speaking using doubling!
Let the formants fly;
I don’t care when I can be speaking the dialect you speak!

(Enter Y)

H: Oh, Ms. Yanco. I’ve had a change of hearrt! Therre’s nothing wrong with yourr r’s! I love... yourr dialect!

Y: (British accent) How nice of you to tell me so! Yet now I can scarcely return to my native speech. I’ve grown accustomed to your r’s!

O: Fascinating! A case of code-switching! We must document this! Let us to the lab!

Y, H&O: (singing, to the tune of “Get Me to the Church on Time”)

We’re making spectrograms tomorrow!
This opportunity is prime!

O: One curls the tongue tip!

H: One drops the whole bit!

ALL: So get us to the lab on time!
Yes, get us to the lab,
Just get us to the lab,

O: For Jones’ sake,

ALL: ... get us to the lab on time!

(Exeunt omnes)

FINIS
*                    *                    *                    *                    *



1 This play was put on at the Indiana University Linguistics Department Christmas Party in December, 1978. Edie Maxwell was narrator; she and Bob Port were sound engineers. Jennifer Yanco played Eliza Yanco (Y); Tom Ernst played Old Bean (O); and Evan Smith played Higgins (H). Feel free to perform this play at your own parties.

2 The first rule and the inspiration for the second are from William Labov’s abridged article, “The Study of Language in its Social Context”, Language and Social Context, ed. by Pier Paolo Giglioli. (Harmondsworth: Penguin, 1972), pp. 283-307. Albert Einstein had something to do with the third rule (and the fourth dimension, we think). Finally, inspiration also came from Metalleus’ rule in Lingua Pranca, p. 10.

As the Word Turns—Tom Ernst and Evan Smith
German in Indo-European—Namtrah Nevets
Son of Lingua Pranca Contents