WE MUST STOP the decline of our pure English language! Traditional techniques, such as reliance on the educational system, have failed us. Stronger measures are essential. Force will succeed where persuasion has faltered. Join the Society for the Defense of American English today. Send $15 membership fee to SDAE, 1500 Patriots Ave., Winston-Salem, NC. No Yankees or foreigners need apply.

THE XT-21 UZI/TAPE RECORDER--essential for the field linguist. Imagine finding yourself in Papua New Guinea, trying to gather data, when suddenly you realize that your native speaker consultant is looking at your thigh quite hungrily. Many a linguist in a similar situation has perished, but you don’t have to. Just press the special red button right next to ‘RECORD’ and your informant will be eating lead instead of you. Only $1095, with a 15% discount for students. Send check or Visa/Mastercard number to Dirk’s Academic Supplies, Boulder, Colorado. Order before Dec. 1 and get a genuine one-carat cubic zirconium men’s or ladies’ ring absolutely free as our gift.

APPLIED WHORFISM. Are you a high military official in a nation whose soldiers seem to lack the proper aggressive attitude? Maybe it’s because they’re speaking the wrong language. If your troops’ native language is Spanish, for example, it’s no wonder they’re wimps; for well we know that modern “Romance” (a revealing name) languages are effete descendants of the manly Classical Latin of Julius Caesar. What your men need is a language which, controlling their thoughts in proper Whorfian fashion, will incline them to conquer rather than to run away like speakers of Italian. We suggest one of the following: Classical Latin; Old Norse; Modern German; or 13th century Mongolian. We also offer specialized training depending on unit type; e.g., Hittite for the flamethrower platoon, Modern Hebrew for commandoes. For a free brochure, write to Practical Whorfism Inc., Hartford, CT.