Folk Linguistics

The SpecGram Folklore Elves™

Unravel the charm of language with this delightful collection of folk linguistic aphorisms. From idiomatic quirks to linguistic wonders, explore the charming wisdom (or lack thereof) of the common folk as they offer alleged insight into the colorful tapestry of human communication as they (attempt to?) navigate the intricate maze of words and meaning.

• The most effective way to learn a language is immersion because sound travels faster through water.
• A relative clause is where you leave money to your nieces in your will.
• An independent clause is where you leave money to the Scottish National Party in your will.
• A small clause is where you haven’t got any money to leave to anyone in your will.
• A sonnet has 14 lines because age 14 is the best time to be studying them (ideally in lines of desks in a classroom of 30ish pupils at 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a lovely sunny day when you could be playing football).
• Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me three times, so... tell me more about this minimalist program.
• English spelling is designed to be difficult so that English teachers can actually do something meaningful in their careers other than “teaching poetry”.
• An Aboriginal speaker in the lab is worth two in the bush.
• English spelling makes perfect sense. The edibles just haven’t kicked in yet.
• Any trends that apply to the languages of Europe apply across every language family.
• Computational linguistics is swearing at your Xbox.
• Code switching between Klingon and Dothraki is positively correlated with time spent playing role playing games.
• If it p-hacks, it publishes.
• Don’t be proud that you’ve been described as “pithy” until you’ve ascertained whether the speaker has a lisp.
• Foley had the vision to create role and reference grammar when Van Valin accidentally crushed his dinner bread with the Quirk work.
• If on a date with a Dutch speaker, you should split the verb if you want to conjugate.
• Don’t bank on referring to a noun with an adjective derived from a different word if you aren’t willing to put up collateral.
• In American English, the horse–hoarse merger was complete the day Mister Ed got laryngitis.
• It’s really important for native speakers of English to learn a second language.
• Look, the pandemic was hard on all of us. Passive verbs should be given a break.
• Old English evolved into Middle English one suppletion at a time.
• The poor/pour merger only appears in places where rich people steep their tea in a teapot, while poor people simply pour the water directly out of the kettle onto the tea bag.
• Mispronounciations should be avoided.
• Nobody has any interest in your loanword.
• Semantics is all semantics.
• Once is an anomaly. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a paper.
• Accurate grammar is the basis of democracy, social order and productivity in the workplace.
• Some people use the term “pluperfect subjunctive” effortlessly in conversation. Try not to sit next to them on the plane.
• The passé simple isn’t. It helps to have some bière en fût.
• The pour/paw merger signifiés cat ownership.
• Reading poetry from nearly half a millennium ago and novels from a quarter of a millennium ago contributes to a balanced, sensible state education program which will result in self-aware and responsible citizens.
• Pragmatics is the study of how Blair won the 1997 UK election.
• The b[a]th/b[ɑ]th; c[a]stle/c[ɑ]stle variants occur only in parts of the UK where people actually have b[ɑ]ths—and c[ɑ]stles. In the north, everyone showers (or scr[ʊ]bs in a t[ʊ]b) in their terrace ’ouses) and therefore have no ability to produce the [ɑ] phone in any case.
• The only people allowed to use the term “QED” are toddlers who haven’t learned the order of the alphabet.
• The poet laureate is Hugh Laurie.
• The counterexample to your counterexample is my example.
• The definite article is Eddie Izzard at his absolute mid-90s best.
• Those who study register are destined to work behind one.
• Understanding of conditionals and wanna-contraction is best achieved by studying the lyrics to the Spice Girls’ 1996 debut single.
• But seriously, Phil Collins, never start a sentence with a conjunction.
• There’s no crying in syntax class.
• Knowledge of IPA is not correlated with earning power.
• Verbs are action words and the subject of the verb is the thing doing the action.
• Nouns are naming words.
• You can make a new version of any language that puts the verb second. It’s called a V2 language.
• You can’t make a living studying code switching unless you’re a computer scientist.
• A descriptivist is just a prescriptivist you haven’t annoyed enough.

	Linguistics & The Beginner’s Mind—Keʜ Ɯo Ɯᴎʜ, Þн.δ., Кеп Ѕһо Ѕһіп, Рһ.ԁ., & ’Enzō ’Enrȳ ’Einz̄ ’Enrīquez, Ph.đ
	SpecGammon—An Historical Appreciation—Tab L. Gaîmes, Ph.D.
	SpecGram Vol CXCV, No 3 Contents