Much has been written1 about the problems surrounding workplace stress, work/
Although ancient,6 and with its beginnings lost to the mists of time,7 the practice truly came to the fore, according to The Grimes Family Oral History in XXXII Parts: Volume I, when Picaxe Grimes I created an especially potent and fade-
With the doors flung open (so to speak) for anyone to follow JGHAR, debates soon started as to what one should read during a JGHAR session. The rule of thumb, as far as I can tell, is that unless the practice is taking place in public where others may judge the practitioner’s choice of book, any volume that is to the practitioner’s liking may be read.11
In my opinion,12 the classic, 15-volume epic The Wickpick Papers, written by Dick Charles
JGHAR sessions, however, need not be limited to such excellent books, and the very much not excellent books may be consumed during the initial session on those days when JGHAR is initiated after having to deal with those who erroneously call themselves “students”15 even though they have only appeared in the hallowed stacks of the Library once
In cases such as these, caution is best, and the mind “warmed up”, so to speak,18 by some light reading like Solving Quadratic Equations Through Mental Arithmetic and Counting Beans (Viveur, Bon. 1931), Understanding Dark Matter and the Secrets of Quantum by Solving for β (Voyage, Bon. 1777) or This Little Piggy Went to Market: The Inherent Economic Education Presented in Rhymes and Tales Marketed to Children (Strawehause, P. & B.B. Wolfe. 1929). Once the mind is sufficiently relaxed, intellectually stimulating books may be introduced.
To make JGHAR sessions more comfortable, it is widely19 suggested that one should keep no less than sixteen books
Initial self-
The way in which JGHAR improves productivity, however, requires more research.22 The first research subjects will be a number of post-
Charles, D. (1671–
Glaire, I.C. (c. 1495) The Complete Travels and Travails of I.C. Glaire: The First Thirty Miles. The Village Square Behind the Pub, Backstreet & Son Printers.
Grimes, P. VII. 1670. The Grimes Family Oral History in XXXII Parts: Volume I. London, Ye Olde Printing House.
Strawehause, P. & B.B. Wolfe. 1929. This Little Piggy Went to Market: The Inherent Economic Education Presented in Rhymes and Tales Marketed to Children. New York, Curious Academic Books.
Viveur. B. 1931. Solving Quadratic Equations Through Mental Arithmetic and Counting Beans. London, Curious Academic Books.
Voyage, B. 1777. Understanding Dark Matter and the Secrets of Quantum by Solving for β. London, Curious Academic Books.
1 Too much, in fact, to cite here. Do your own research if you don’t believe me.
2 Will using a buzzword get me more funding? Only time will tell.
3 Productivity Bros and Influencers.
4 See footnote 2.
5 “Merch” will also be made available to those who want the world to know that they practice JGHAR. I’ve been told that “hoodies are a thing”.*
* This apparently means that it will make money, supplementing any funding I receive.
6 The practice being ancient is, of course, imperative.
7 I couldn’t find a Wikipedia page or Reddit post referring specifically to this practice, although I’m sure that once JGHAR becomes accepted in the mainstream these pages and posts will appear.**
** Should I receive sufficient funding after this paper is published, I would even consider creating the page myself.
8 The volume being that summer’s must-
9 How is JGHAR pronounced? Much like GIF and GIF, we’ll leave that to the public to decide and wash our hands of any vitriol posted online or any violence which may spill over into the real world.
10 The shelter was described in The Grimes Family Oral History in XXXII Parts: Volume I as being “a rudimentary wooden shelter resting atop some bricks which stood at the end of the Grimes family’s garden” also noting that “the space was filled with many books and papers after some old gardening implements were removed”.
11 Yes, even the new mass paperback bestseller flooding pop culture that you intend to read unironically and will never place on your bookshelf.
12 Which may be taken as fact and is not at all humble.
13 Of course, only Grimes Fade-
14 Volume 13 being Charles’s extended writings on Wickpick’s internal turmoil in deciding which hat to wear on the first occasion of meeting the Lady Bumblebee at the local Midsummer Festival. Volume 7, however, is widely considered to be the most exquisite of the volumes, being a mere 500 single-
15 Also known as “Scourge of the Campus”, or “SOCs” (pronounced “sucks”) by the faculty staff.
16 Any self-
† No wonder these so-called “smart” phones are used as a means of distraction during meetings when the time could be better used resting one’s mind (and eyes) for more important matters.
17 Or even outside of a class.
18 Apparently using sporting jargon and other “hip” and “happening” phrases makes one appear more “approachable” and “down with the crowd”.‡
‡ All the more reason not to use this type of language. Why would one want to appear “approachable” to students, of all people?
19 See footnote 1.
20 Or at least piled next to the bed. A second bedside table can also be used.
21 Do not attempt this with any volume printed on the Grimes Fireproof Paper™, as it’s prone to explosion or combustion on sudden impact. For the same reason, tea
§ Picaxe Grimes X’s experiments with Absinthe, however, were inconclusive, as his volume of The Wickpick Papers was found missing one page and carelessly left lying next to an open sewer grate along with half a smouldering shoe. As Grimes had not only vandalised the book in this way, but also left the next three pages dog-
eared, it’s believed that the dastardly villain went into hiding rather than face up to his crimes.
22 Therefore, any funding will be welcomed with open arms.
23 Until funding is available, of course. While there is no budget, however, these students will be remunerated in coffee and any biscuits they manage to pilfer from the office supplies cupboard.
24 Dr Hammond Grimes IX is currently developing a device with which to send money back in time, in the hopes of one day sending money back to himself when he was a student living off ramen and instant coffee. If money can be sent thusly, I see no reason why important scientific research cannot also be sent. Therefore, even though finishing the research may take years, or even decades, it can be published in the past, which means that I will then appear much more productive than I am. Or something like that. Surely there can be no negative effects as long as this technology doesn’t fall into the hands of students.
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Linguistics’ Most Common Initialism: A Celebration of PLP |
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SpecGram Vol CXCIV, No 4 Contents |