Minute_DU Mystery_PL
The Case of the Ex-Bird

D. J. Lobos

Inspector Halledjian climbed aboard the train, waving off the birds that dive-bombed him.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” said a bloodied, disheveled man slumped into a chair next to an open cage with a dead bird in it. “My name is Rex Apelido, and someone brutally attacked me while we were going through the Simplon tunnel. And they’ve killed Crowy McCrowface, whom I was taking to the bird show in Istanbul!”

“Is that bird the heir to the McCrowface millions?” asked Inspector Halledjian.

“No, no relation,” said Rex.

“My raven Hempel claims that Old Man McCrowface is leaving his business to a bunch of ferrets, but I think that’s just a conspiracy theory,” said another man in the train car.

“Who are you? And did you kill Rex’s bird to eliminate your competition in the bird show?” asked Inspector Halledjian.

“I’m Rhett Harrington, and no, Hempel competes in a totally separate category against colored non-ravens. I don’t know who let all these common corvids in, but they weren’t there when we were on the Swiss side of the tunnel. Sometime later I was awakened by Rex screaming and three of these birds pecking at my moustache!”

“The croissants this morning were very flaky,” explained Rex.

Inspector Halledjian turned to the only other person and asked who she was.

“My name is Polly Hunter, and I study nouns cross-linguistically. I was explaining my research to the two gentlemen in this coach. Some languages make no distinction between one of a noun and many, unlike English, where it is marked obligatorily. Then there are languages that retain dual forms, including some other Indo-European languages, although not English, since proto-Germanic didn’t have them, unless you count pronouns... except that there are some dialects of English, mostly in Oceania, where dual pronoun forms have returned, largely as a result of influence from aboriginal languages. Incidentally, North Frisian lost some of these forms only recently, which is ironic because Frisian is considered to be closely related to English. Now, when we turn to other language families, we find...”

Inspector Halledjian let out a long yawn, slapped his cheek to wake himself up, slapped Polly’s cheek to shut her up, and said, “I’m arresting you for assaulting Rex and killing his crow.”

How did he know?

* * * * *

Polly had put Rex and Rhett to sleep by rambling on about her research, a phenomenon known to anyone who has had the misfortune of meeting a linguist. Only she could simultaneously murder a crow with pluralization and wreck Rex with singularization. Truly, Inspector Halledjian had her number.

	Everything Is Syntax—Count Rex Amplin
	Naming Practices Among the von­Williams­Xerxes­Yoyo­Zyzygyville Elite—Helgi von Helganschtein Searsplainpockets & Claudette von Helganschtein Searsplainpockets
	SpecGram Vol CXCIV, No 4 Contents