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Excessive Politeness, Beautifully Complex Grammar Lure Phishing Victims

In a shocking twist to the increasingly familiar tropes of cybercrime, authorities have issued warnings about a new phishing scam so linguistically refined that victims are thanking the hackers for the opportunity to be robbed. Dubbed the “Phlatterous Phishing Phenomenon”—oft abbreviated Φ³ by cybercrime insiders—this latest scam swaps out the usual misspelled, hastily written emails with exquisitely crafted prose that would make Jane Austen weep into her bonnet.

“The first email I got opened with, ‘With the utmost respect and admiration for your digital presence,’ ” said Vic Timmized, a 64-year-old retiree and unwitting mark. “By the time I finished reading the fourth paragraph, I was emotionally invested. I wired them $3,000 just to keep the narrative arc going.”

According to cybersecurity experts, the scam emails are written in florid, yet meticulously correct English—often featuring vocabulary that would impress a sixth-year English Lit major, up to three properly used semicolons per sentence, and heartfelt apologies for the intrusion. Instead of promising free smart phones or threatening account deletions, the messages request “a modest yet significant demonstration of your trust in humanity, in the form of monetary compensation.”

One such email, uncovered by the FBI, began:

My Dearest Sir or Madam, I hope this communiqué finds you basking in good health and warm fortune. Permit me, if you will, to present a rare opportunity to become acquainted with a fiscal inheritance marooned by cruel bureaucratic tides. Might you consider partaking in the just liberation of said funds?

“Honestly, I thought it was a wedding invitation from a Victorian ghost,” said one target, who asked to remain anonymous out of sheer embarrassment.

The culprits behind the scam, believed to be an elite group of rogue literature grad students calling themselves The Oxford Comma Syndicate, remain consistently on-brand across scams, victims, and genres. Their ransom notes include footnotes, MLA citations, and often a perfectly balanced haiku summarizing the crime.

One recipient even received a phishing email in the form of a sonnet:

If thou wouldst only click this sacred link,

Thy PayPal shall be full beyond compare;

But click it not, and let thy balance sink,

Whilst wealth dissolves into the cyber air.

In what may prove to be a surprisingly rare blunder, authorities claim that the slightly awkward opening of one missive—“Dear Most Esteemed Human Recipient of This Correspondence...”—hints at one or more new artificial intelligence–using collaborators, something experts say was once considered beyond the pale in world-class literary larceny circles. According to Special Agent Sy Berkopp of the FBI’s Online Linguistic Crimes Division, stylometric evidence points to the possible involvement of The Nondeterministic Polynomial Runtime, a former hacktivist horde turned cybercriminal collective after falling on hard financial times.

Authorities are urging the public to be cautious of any email that starts with Dearest or uses the word verily unironically. “If it sounds like it was written by a Regency-era butler with a Ph.D. in literary semiotics, delete it,” said Berkopp. “Especially if it rhymes.”

Interestingly, reports show that the scam has found unexpected success in academic circles. “It was the first time someone acknowledged my thesis on poetic semantic recursion in Mittelniederdeutsch,” said Professor Édith Blatherstone of Quasseln Universität in Unterberlin. “I was flattered, honestly. I sent them €500 and a high-resolution PDF of my thesis.”

As for the scammers, their final messages to victims are often equally poetic:

With deepest appreciation for your generosity, we bid you farewell. Should our paths cross again—digitally or otherwise—we hope to find you as courteous and trusting as ever.

As the breadth of attacks continues to increase across Europe and Asia, officials in the U.S. seek to create an international joint task force to address the problem. Sources say Interpol’s Felonious Poetic Misconduct Section is limiting current investigations to scams written entirely in iambic pentameter.

	In the Club—M. M. Not Cool K. feat. Shrillex
	Everything Is Syntax—Count Rex Amplin
	SpecGram Vol CXCIV, No 4 Contents