Celebration Denunciation Notice of
Insurrection Revolution Disorder
Quashing Quenching Quellment and
Arrogated Entreated Negotiated
Terrorist Revolutionista Objector
Diatribe Manifesto Statement
in partial
fulfillment of
various binding
arbitration agreements
among the
plaintiffs, defendant,
their respective counsel,
sundry affected
editors and interns,
interested
third-party entities,
and immaterial
fourth-person entelechies,
relevant to
the case of
Speculative Grammarian
Task Force
for Wanton
Innovation v.
Office of the
Editor-in-Chief
of Speculative Grammarian
Docket #87–1729 (MV)
It is hereby decreed—by His Mighty Righteousness, Lord Arbiter Modulo Votangus, of the Manitoba/South Australia District of Speculative Grammarian’s Comparative Court of Arbitration, from the twin courtrooms of Pekwachnamaykoskwaskwaypinwanik Lake/Mamungkukumpurangkuntjunya Hill—that:
- This Notice will be published in a forthcoming issue of Speculative Grammarian, in a reasonable timeframe, in a reasonably sized font, in a sufficiently contrasting color of ink or technological ink analog, in a major dialect of a modern variety of English, without significant editing or other modification.
- Direct quotes from the work of the Task Force for Wanton Innovation will be printed with distinctively contrasting psilofotismological color.
- The members of the Task Force for Wanton Innovation, jointly and severally acknowledge that the bolded portion of the following introduction to their “Inventory of Inspired Innovations” constitutes traitorous tortfeasance towards Speculative Grammarian, the Office of the Editor-in-Chief, and some non-zero percentage of Speculative Grammarian’s readers and contributors—further constrained by attendant addenda (2.A.i) and (2.A.ii).
- Last time [the Editor-in-Chief] was away, we changed the name of Speculative Grammarian. What changes are we going to make this time now that there’s no one to stop us?
- It will be noted that the name of Speculative Grammarian was never actually changed.
- No one among the Task Force for Wanton Innovation, the Office of the Editor-in-Chief, nor the Editorial Board cares how the interns are or were affected, other than to point out our unanimity in our apathy toward them.
- The aforementioned apathy may—but shall not be construed to be required to—shade into mild to moderate antipathy among a non-zero percentage of the members of the Task Force for Wanton Innovation, the Office of the Editor-in-Chief, and/or the Editorial Board, jointly and severally.
- It is held that Greek letters do generally class things up, but that alpha (α) is often insufficiently distinctive, and that beta (β) and—to a lesser extent—gamma (γ) should be included when possible to maximize the aforementioned classing up.
- The following “Inventory of Inspired Innovations,” devised and organized by the Task Force for Wanton Innovation, rejected and disrespected by the Editor-in-Chief, will be published within the Notice in order to facilitate distribution and discussion among Speculative Grammarian’s editors, interns, readers, and contributors, though neither the Editorial Board nor the Editor-in-Chief have any obligation, duty, responsibility, commitment, or requirement to act on or even acknowledge any comments or suggestions made thereupon.
- SpecGram will cease its online publishing to focus on its next delivery method, the codex. At this very moment, SpecGram interns are laboriously toiling in the scriptorium (formerly the restroom) to hand-copy the divine words of SpecGram. The December codex will contain miniature illustrations, marking the first instance when a SpecGram article will be illuminating. Subscription fees will increase substantially to cover production costs, but—fear not!—we’ll automatically charge to your credit card on file.
- Our patron saint, Rasmus Rask, will be replaced by Larry Trask. Students with the last name “Strask” are strongly encouraged to pursue studies in linguistics forthwith.
- Unlike certain news channels, we’re keeping our Broken News feature. In fact, we’re adding crawls to the top and bottom of every page. Remember to use a USB-C charger to plug in your codex every night to stay up-to-date with current linguistic events.
- A lot of our readers have put on weight during the pandemic, so we’re replacing our Word Ladders with Word Escalators.
- We will no longer include a Chiasmus of the Month. Instead, December will be designated the Month of the Chiasmus.
- The Task Force for Wanton Innovation will be renamed the “Task Force for Wonton Innovation” and reassigned to report to the Chef-in-Chief of the Asian Fusion Division of the Culinary Arts Department at SpecGram Towers, with a tightly prescribed focus on epiphenomenal syntactic and semantic variation vis-à-vis epiphenomenal acoustic structures in dumplings and meta-dumplings.
- Neither the Office of the Editor-in-Chief nor the Editorial Board shall take any further retributive or punitive actions against the Task Force for Wanton Innovation, the Task Force for Wonton Innovation, or the members of either, jointly or severally.
- It is held that chiasmoi are still cool.
