Not a wire news service but still more reliable than most newspapers.
After decades of work and more coffee than was strictly necessary, linguists have succeeded in solving one of the most famous problems in Linguistics. The Travelling Linguist Problem asked what the shortest route that a linguist could travel to the highest number of conferences before either a) their travel budget ran out or b) people realised they were just doing the same talk over and over again.
While it was long known that for graduate students a) would happen after a single conference in a university five miles away, a complete solution to the problem was not known.
After tenured professors had dismissed the nearest neighbour method, as it didn’t allow them to fly to Hawaii, they utilised the “cutting pain” method, involving looking for the solution that included the nicest hotels and best airlines.
The final solution involves visiting small conferences on every continent, including presenting to Adélie penguins in Antarctica, before arriving back to the home university, just after committee roles have been doled out.