SpecGram—A Time of Unprecedentedly “Unprecedented Times”

A Time of Unprecedentedly “Unprecedented Times”

A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief

In these unprecedented times, it is important to not lose our heads; we must remain calm and steadfast in the face of adversity in these unprecedented times, joining together—while maintaining the appropriate social distance in these unprecedented times—for the common good. However, unless the times become even more unprecedented and some virus mutates one of your loved ones into a flesh-eating zombie, or the virus itself grows to the size of a beachball and begins chasing you through your garden,¹ there is no excuse for wildly inaccurate speech,² even in these unprecedented times.

Michel Petit, 2010, “Le discours spécialisé et le spécialisé du discours: repères pour l’analyse du discours en anglais de spécialité,” E-rea 8.1.

Chiasmus of the Month
May 2020

First, but not foremost: “the virus”. It is not the virus, it is not even the coronavirus. It is a coronavirus, called SARS-CoV-2.³ Meanwhile, COVID-19 is not a virus, it is the disease caused by SARS-CoV-2. Yes, yes, pragmatics will save you from your own laziness and the linguistic turpitude of others, but you can and should do better, and should expect—nay, demand—as much from yourself and those around you.⁴

More importantly, however, the time of the unprecedented use of “unprecedented times” must come to an end. Not because the times themselves are overly precedented, but rather that the phrase itself has already become an overused, trite, vapid banality of a hackneyed cliché. Crack open a thesaurus, people! The times, they are bizarre, extraordinary, remarkable, singular, unparalleled, and possibly even unrivaled in living memory. And, if one is willing to go the extra mile, perhaps the times themselves could be recast as an age, an era, this moment, or simply the present.

To wit:

In this extraordinary era, it is important to not lose our heads; we must remain calm and steadfast in the face of adversity in this unparalleled moment, joining together—while maintaining the appropriate social distance in these bizarre times—for the common good. However, unless our age becomes even more singular and some virus mutates one of your loved ones into a flesh-eating zombie, or the virus itself grows to the size of a beachball and begins chasing you through your garden, there is no excuse for wildly inaccurate speech, even in this remarkable age.

The improvement to the text is unrivaled in living memory! That is not to say that the text is good, by any means. However, it is infinitely⁵ better.

Don’t panic! Keep your cool. Work together, but keep your distance. JUST STOP SAYING WE ARE IN UN-BLOODY-PRECEDENTED TIMES!!! AAAARRRGRGGHHHH!⁶

¹ The Biology Interns have assured the Editorial Board that this is extremely unlikely. On the other hand, these are Biology Interns who could only find indentured servitude at a linguistics journal. Your allophones may vary.

² Despite the poor example set by various politicians.

³ It is also not the “China virus”⁷ or “Wuhan virus” despite the very precedented toponymy in disease and pathogen names—Coxsackie Virus, Crimean Congo Hemorrhagic Fever, Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, German Measles, Guinea Worm, Hendra Virus, Japanese Encephalitis, La Crosse Encephalitis, Lassa Fever, Lyme Disease, Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, Norovirus, Omsk Hemorrhagic Fever, Rift Valley Fever, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Ross River Fever, Spanish Flu, St. Louis Encephalitis, Tularaemia, Valley Fever, West Nile Virus, Zika Virus. Just be glad if you don’t live some place where a disease was discovered and then named for; and if you do, don’t inflict that on anyone else.

⁴ The SpecGram Legal Interns note that this proclamation comprises⁸ neither linguo-legal advice to anyone, a binding dictate on SpecGram contributors, nor⁹ a promise of such usage to SpecGram readers.

⁵ The Mathematics Interns have narrowed it down to a factor between ℵ₀ and ℵ_ω. Did you really expect¹⁰ more from Math Interns who could only find indentured servitude at a linguistics journal.¹¹ Your sociolect may vary.

⁶ After a liberal hosing down with the linguo-sedative Xyntax and the application of a William Chester Minor Brand™ Canvas Camisole, the Editor-in-Chief is resting comfortably—or at least quietly.

⁷ And it is certainly not the “Gyna virus”—heavens to Murgatroyd!

⁸ Is this an “acceptable” use of comprise? Does anyone even know anymore.¹²

⁹ You can, in fact, use either/or and neither/nor with more than two items. If you disagree, check your prescriptivism.

¹⁰ Honestly, did you understand the constraint “between ℵ₀ and ℵ_ω” well enough to actually expect anything? Would it kill you to crack open a math book? Not even a real math book; anything by Ian Stewart¹³ would likely do.

^{11, 12} Admittedly, the lack of question mark in these cases is debatable. However, there is a growing trend toward statements in the form of a question¹⁴ being written without question marks when they are, pragmatically,¹⁵ not actual questions.

¹³ Ian Stewart:mathematics::Steven Pinker:linguistics.¹⁶

¹⁴ Alex Trebek was unavailable for comment on his potential culpability.

¹⁵ Yes, yes, I railed against such a pragmatic out above. The Editor-in-Chief giveth, the Editor-in-Chief taketh away.

¹⁶ In a good way—genuinely. Ian Stewart is the best.