The entire city is at a tense standstill as reports are validated that over a thousand linguists have escaped from a downtown conference. Police are on the scene in a bewildered state, debating whether English really has one /k/ sound or several and pondering the safety impact on the general population from either scenario.
It all started when Professor Kevina Kinsley gave a keynote address at the annual Linguistics Society of Great Britain and the Scandinavian Isles, arguing that Enklish as spoken by the Ankles did not borrow from the Nordik invaders, but instead was replaced entirely by the Vikink Tonkues.
Tensions were already high, as a group of syntacticians from upstate New York had gotten into an argument concerning a center-
Disorder spread as one of the syntacticians was pushed bodily into a group of pragmatists, who responded with maximum quantity and maximum quality with perfectly aimed fists, but who in violation of maximum relation assailed not only the intruder but his entire coterie, causing a general violation of the maxim of manner.
Phoneticians broke through their restraining area and were found trying to insert microphones in the mouth of local parents, enjoying a day at the park. In a more direct challenge to Dr. Kinsley’s kurious klaims, phonetician Prof. Tscherlisch Laut said, “I would remind you that English has several velars depending on environment
Meanwhile, historical linguists quizzed survivors as to what the swings sounded like yesterday. Computational linguists attempted to model a sample of utterances from each side of the debate, reporting a higher than usual incidence of velar-
There are unconfirmed reports that masked Antilexa and militant alt-