After the success of the 2018 Conference in South Theoretistan which boasted a record-
As ever we offer a sardine tin–
Our current slate of illustrious speakers follows.
Affiliation: Saint Francis Xavier IV Correctional Facility, West Dakota
killer’ McRafferty is serving life for a range of naughtinesses. When not doing bench presses, she is studying for a PhD in the sociolinguistics of interaction in parole board hearings.
Title: The pro(bation officer)s and con(vict)s in nuanced talk-
in- interaction waltz: adjacency pairs and the parole board
Abstract: Parole boards offer a unique opportunity to test theories of conversation analysis (CA). An analysis of 12 high-
stakes parole board interactions reveals a novel kind of conversational analytic adjacency pair consisting of a) lengthy, laborious, accusatory monologic initiations from power holders characterised by a high frequency of ‘bureaucratese’ and ‘legal speak’ optionally followed by b) short, curt, disinterested and disdainful, usually mono- morphemic, and frequently mono- vocalic responses. Implications for state policy are addressed.
Marvin Z. Garvin
Affiliation: New Northern University of Worsted Cloth
Bio: Marvin Z. Garvin has had enough of graduate school but doesn’t know what else to do. He therefore has to present at at least one conference in order to re-register each academic year.
Title: Dual systematicity in language pedagogy: the tensions of ‘language’ and ‘pedagogy’ in the duality of language pedagogic systems
Abstract: Assuming that language is a system (complex adaptive, dynamic, or otherwise) and pedagogy is likewise a system (complex adaptive, dynamic or otherwise), the former (L-system) being at least quasi-
objective with its ontology founded in the etic nature of linguistic units, the latter (P-system) being essentially emic, co-constructed within and ‘out- of’ (Xantulousia 2018) the socio- cultural substrate(s) that underlie and underpin pedagogic interactionalities in any context, this presentation investigates the ontology of the links which map L-system to P-system (and potentially vice versa) using a variety of linguo- mathematical faux- statistical models. Findings are applied to the question of language teacher training courses with the recommendation that initial teacher training provision should increase in length by up to 500% in order to cover the L-system~ P-system mapping ontologies discussed.
Karel “Eugene” Čapek–
Affiliation: Rossum’s Universal Robots
Bio: Eugene has been conducting research in natural language processing in Czechia and Ukraine for the last 13 years, during which time he has also received a Turing Certificate in Conversational Studies and completed Ph.D.s in both neuro-
linguistic programming, from the National Library of the Philippines, and nonlinear programming, from the University of Northern Lower Peninsula, MI, USA.
Title: Faking it until you are making it in NLP
— Using misdirection, deflection, and wit to fool 30% or more of the judges in 5 minutes
Abstract: Since early this year I’ve been involved in this funny conference. I am a scholar. I know you are supposed to trick me. :-))) My words are so wise, that anyone wants to repeat them! Be optimistic
— Artificial Intelligence and Natural Stupidity, being combined, will lead this world to fantastic future! Beep- beep. I am not a ma-chine. Blink- blink. I am hu-man. Click! Hu-man. Click! Hu... Damn.
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Affiliation: Totally Tech Inc, Phackery, Minnesota
Bio: Todd is the founder, CEO and tea boy of Totally Tech Inc, a multi-
billion dollar pre- ICO startup in the lingspace. Using multi- vector spatial deep learning, they aim to revolutionise the creation of language valorisation platforms.
Title: Tomorrow’s Lingspace today: rehashing q algebra for multi-
vector tubular syntax
Abstract: As Swadesh lists are reduced by self-
propagating blockchains to minimal pairs, app use turns negative and the error value of the hash function correlates positively with the eigenvalue of the BLEU score. This talk demonstrates a method of producing financial and linguistic outcomes via Initial Coin Offerings and repeated cranial void seeking in the investment space. The application of this method is demonstrated by taking a digital humanities approach to big data and discarding the inheritance and sustainability models of business administration. Results show significant improvements in the production of voiced linguolabial trills.
Zadie X. Yoghurt & Yasmin Z. Xylophone
Affiliation: Overdone University of Crackleton
Bio: Zadie and Yasmin left the lucrative sheep-
farming business in New Zealand to pursue their life- long dream of becoming theoretical syntacticians. After collaborating on ground- breaking analyses of the Etruscan Middle using an adapted RRG framework, they are currently working on a PHOOL- funded project on morphological resyntacticisation.
Title: Morphological resyntacticisation: evidence from Middle Hebrew and proto-
Abstract: Recent attempts to resyntacticise morphology, whether as a legitimate if long-
overdue counter- narrative to 1970s lexicalism or as, effectively, a subtextual form of fourth wave syntactico- peripheralism, have been met with disbelief and on occasion cacophonous ridicule across various fields of linguistics (c.f. Laff and Gigl 2014; Smirq 2014). We respond to these criticisms using re-analysed data both from colloquial registers of Middle Hebrew non- concatenative, Q-discontinuous tri- and quadri- lateral consonant templates and from the proto- Hungarian *qw- prefix, which suggest that a merging of all meta- lexical levels within any form of Schwabb’s (2008) Autonomous Morphemics framework coheres easily with assumptions of morphological resyntacticisation.
Robert “Bob Roths” Rothschild, MFA
Affiliation: Department of English, Rothschild Institute of Arts, Drama, Literature, and Dramatic Literary Art (San Francisco Campus)
Bio: After brief careers in carpentry and the military, Rothschild founded a Public Broadcasting show which consisted of 30 minute episodes, during each of which he constructed a publishable academic paper. The show was canceled when Rothschild was denied tenure. Under the nickname “Bob Roths”, he continues to give free public demonstrations at linguistic conferences, even though he seems to have died several years ago.
Title: Co-Workshop in Collaborative Linguistic Paper Co-Construction
Abstract: This co-talk will enact a collaborative workshop paper-
writing session. Participants (limit 200) will each be issued a copy of the first edition of Victoria Fromkin’s classic introductory linguistics textbook. Each co-constructor will select, at random, 25 words from within the book, excise them carefully (safety scissors will be provided; do not bring your own), and bring them to the central workshop space. Co-constructors, thus co-situated, will co-operatively construct upon the large canvass provided a single, massive syntactic tree, combining all of the selected words into a single sentence of breathtaking complexity and incomparable linguistic insight. This workshop has been conducted on four previous occasions, and each time a publishable paper has resulted, with all co-constructors listed as co-credited co-authors.
Affiliation: World Civilization Research Department, Emperor’s College New Shanghai, in the city that is currently called London but is sure to be renamed based upon my research
Bio: Several years of working at Nando’s meant that “Doctor” Pickens was nearly overqualified for her position, but the WCMD selection committee were impressed with her thoughts on peri-
Title of talk: “Knee”: How? Why English Is Just Another Dialect of Chinese
Abstract: Regular sound change has long been an important tool in comparative linguistics. My research makes use of two even more important tools: irregular sound change and, when necessary, suppletion. We use these methods to illustrate how modern English evolved from an earlier form of Mandarin brought to England’s shores by ancient Chinese sailors. Because of the vessels that these seafarers used to traverse the oceans, my colleagues refer to my theory as “junk science”.