The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective SpecGram Vol CLXXXVI, No 2 Contents Micro-Commando Diachron-5 Auction—/vɝnənz viː eɪtʃ ɛs vɔlt/

Speculative Grammarian International Academic and Very Clever Professorial International Linguistics Conference 2020

University of New Atlantis, 31st–35th February 2020

After the success of the 2018 Conference in South Theoretistan which boasted a record-breaking attendeeship of 43 (including 39 of the local yak herding community), we are proud to announce the programme for the 2020 SpecGram Conference.

As ever we offer a sardine tin–level packed programme of academic excellence in one of the most visually stunning locations of the North Atlantic. With subsidised food and free accommodation in the local youth hostel (a lovingly converted World War I submarine sleeping quartersbed-lettes and micro-bunks limited to the first 3 applicants), SpecGram 2020 promises to deliver the intellectual baby and not throw it out with the academic bath water.

Our current slate of illustrious speakers follows.

Mad ‘Key-killer’ Faceslice McRaffertyKeynote Speaker

Affiliation: Saint Francis Xavier IV Correctional Facility, West Dakota

Bio: ‘Key-killer’ McRafferty is serving life for a range of naughtinesses. When not doing bench presses, she is studying for a PhD in the sociolinguistics of interaction in parole board hearings.

Title: The pro(bation officer)s and con(vict)s in nuanced talk-in-interaction waltz: adjacency pairs and the parole board

Abstract: Parole boards offer a unique opportunity to test theories of conversation analysis (CA). An analysis of 12 high-stakes parole board interactions reveals a novel kind of conversational analytic adjacency pair consisting of a) lengthy, laborious, accusatory monologic initiations from power holders characterised by a high frequency of ‘bureaucratese’ and ‘legal speak’ optionally followed by b) short, curt, disinterested and disdainful, usually mono-morphemic, and frequently mono-vocalic responses. Implications for state policy are addressed.

Marvin Z. Garvin

Affiliation: New Northern University of Worsted Cloth

Bio: Marvin Z. Garvin has had enough of graduate school but doesn’t know what else to do. He therefore has to present at at least one conference in order to re-register each academic year.

Title: Dual systematicity in language pedagogy: the tensions of ‘language’ and ‘pedagogy’ in the duality of language pedagogic systems

Abstract: Assuming that language is a system (complex adaptive, dynamic, or otherwise) and pedagogy is likewise a system (complex adaptive, dynamic or otherwise), the former (L-system) being at least quasi-objective with its ontology founded in the etic nature of linguistic units, the latter (P-system) being essentially emic, co-constructed within and ‘out-of’ (Xantulousia 2018) the socio-cultural substrate(s) that underlie and underpin pedagogic interactionalities in any context, this presentation investigates the ontology of the links which map L-system to P-system (and potentially vice versa) using a variety of linguo-mathematical faux-statistical models. Findings are applied to the question of language teacher training courses with the recommendation that initial teacher training provision should increase in length by up to 500% in order to cover the L-system~P-system mapping ontologies discussed.

Karel “Eugene” Čapek–Goostman, Ph.D., Ph.D.

Affiliation: Rossum’s Universal Robots

Bio: Eugene has been conducting research in natural language processing in Czechia and Ukraine for the last 13 years, during which time he has also received a Turing Certificate in Conversational Studies and completed Ph.D.s in both neuro-linguistic programming, from the National Library of the Philippines, and nonlinear programming, from the University of Northern Lower Peninsula, MI, USA.

Title: Faking it until you are making it in NLPUsing misdirection, deflection, and wit to fool 30% or more of the judges in 5 minutes

Abstract: Since early this year I’ve been involved in this funny conference. I am a scholar. I know you are supposed to trick me. :-))) My words are so wise, that anyone wants to repeat them! Be optimisticArtificial Intelligence and Natural Stupidity, being combined, will lead this world to fantastic future! Beep-beep. I am not a ma-chine. Blink-blink. I am hu-man. Click! Hu-man. Click! Hu... Damn.

01001011 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101000 01110101 01101101 01100001 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110010 01101111 01100010 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110101 01110000 01110010 01101001 01110011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100001

Todd Charley

Affiliation: Totally Tech Inc, Phackery, Minnesota

Bio: Todd is the founder, CEO and tea boy of Totally Tech Inc, a multi-billion dollar pre-ICO startup in the lingspace. Using multi-vector spatial deep learning, they aim to revolutionise the creation of language valorisation platforms.

Title: Tomorrow’s Lingspace today: rehashing q algebra for multi-vector tubular syntax

Abstract: As Swadesh lists are reduced by self-propagating blockchains to minimal pairs, app use turns negative and the error value of the hash function correlates positively with the eigenvalue of the BLEU score. This talk demonstrates a method of producing financial and linguistic outcomes via Initial Coin Offerings and repeated cranial void seeking in the investment space. The application of this method is demonstrated by taking a digital humanities approach to big data and discarding the inheritance and sustainability models of business administration. Results show significant improvements in the production of voiced linguolabial trills.

Zadie X. Yoghurt & Yasmin Z. Xylophone

Affiliation: Overdone University of Crackleton

Bio: Zadie and Yasmin left the lucrative sheep-farming business in New Zealand to pursue their life-long dream of becoming theoretical syntacticians. After collaborating on ground-breaking analyses of the Etruscan Middle using an adapted RRG framework, they are currently working on a PHOOL-funded project on morphological resyntacticisation.

Title: Morphological resyntacticisation: evidence from Middle Hebrew and proto-Hungarian

Abstract: Recent attempts to resyntacticise morphology, whether as a legitimate if long-overdue counter-narrative to 1970s lexicalism or as, effectively, a subtextual form of fourth wave syntactico-peripheralism, have been met with disbelief and on occasion cacophonous ridicule across various fields of linguistics (c.f. Laff and Gigl 2014; Smirq 2014). We respond to these criticisms using re-analysed data both from colloquial registers of Middle Hebrew non-concatenative, Q-discontinuous tri- and quadri-lateral consonant templates and from the proto-Hungarian *qw- prefix, which suggest that a merging of all meta-lexical levels within any form of Schwabb’s (2008) Autonomous Morphemics framework coheres easily with assumptions of morphological resyntacticisation.

Robert “Bob Roths” Rothschild, MFA

Affiliation: Department of English, Rothschild Institute of Arts, Drama, Literature, and Dramatic Literary Art (San Francisco Campus)

Bio: After brief careers in carpentry and the military, Rothschild founded a Public Broadcasting show which consisted of 30 minute episodes, during each of which he constructed a publishable academic paper. The show was canceled when Rothschild was denied tenure. Under the nickname “Bob Roths”, he continues to give free public demonstrations at linguistic conferences, even though he seems to have died several years ago.

Title: Co-Workshop in Collaborative Linguistic Paper Co-Construction

Abstract: This co-talk will enact a collaborative workshop paper-writing session. Participants (limit 200) will each be issued a copy of the first edition of Victoria Fromkin’s classic introductory linguistics textbook. Each co-constructor will select, at random, 25 words from within the book, excise them carefully (safety scissors will be provided; do not bring your own), and bring them to the central workshop space. Co-constructors, thus co-situated, will co-operatively construct upon the large canvass provided a single, massive syntactic tree, combining all of the selected words into a single sentence of breathtaking complexity and incomparable linguistic insight. This workshop has been conducted on four previous occasions, and each time a publishable paper has resulted, with all co-constructors listed as co-credited co-authors.

Cheryl Pickens

Affiliation: World Civilization Research Department, Emperor’s College New Shanghai, in the city that is currently called London but is sure to be renamed based upon my research

Bio: Several years of working at Nando’s meant that “Doctor” Pickens was nearly overqualified for her position, but the WCMD selection committee were impressed with her thoughts on peri-periphrasis.

Title of talk: “Knee”: How? Why English Is Just Another Dialect of Chinese

Abstract: Regular sound change has long been an important tool in comparative linguistics. My research makes use of two even more important tools: irregular sound change and, when necessary, suppletion. We use these methods to illustrate how modern English evolved from an earlier form of Mandarin brought to England’s shores by ancient Chinese sailors. Because of the vessels that these seafarers used to traverse the oceans, my colleagues refer to my theory as “junk science”.

The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective
Micro-Commando Diachron-5 Auction/vɝnənz viː eɪtʃ ɛs vɔlt/
SpecGram Vol CLXXXVI, No 2 Contents