¹ Hint: are you reading this in your language? If not, then probably not.

² Ease of learning is computed relative to the writing system of the nearest majority language—you know, the one all your grandchildren already know. Digital compatibility consultation includes immediate suggestions for diacritic conversion and rare character removal, along with a one-generation plan to convert to plain Latin script.

³ Purchase the Wiggle-Tubby upgrade to commission a song by a popular local children’s musical artist.

⁴ Written with love and care by SpecGram intern candidates as part of their application process.

⁵ Purchase the Oddki upgrade to guarantee your mention is in SpecGram proper.

⁶ These petitions are designed to fail; even Italian can’t be guaranteed a spot on many campuses these days. However, they will greatly improve awareness of your language among current and future academics.

⁷ Minimum locale population 10,000.

⁸ Purchase the High Tone upgrade to guarantee that the coverage is positive.

⁹ SpecGram cannot guarantee that MA degrees will be awarded for these theses.

¹⁰ Additional fees may apply.

¹¹ Academic qualifications of the publicist commensurate with annual fee level.

¹² At least one of these will not be in Russian.

¹³ Requires autopay.

¹⁴ Or equivalent scholar.

¹⁵ Purchase the International upgrade to guarantee that the coverage is positive.

¹⁶ Or comparable venue.

¹⁷ SpecGram guarantees that visitors will represent countries which are friendly to your own national leaders.

¹⁸ Assumes that your nation has a national television network. SpecGram is not responsible for the creation of broadcast infrastructure.

¹⁹ The Language Log is a wholly independent publication. SpecGram makes no claim to speak on behalf of this fine, independent publication. This independent publication, of course, makes its own, independent editorial decisions. No influence over the independent Language Log is asserted or implied.

²⁰ Minimum locale speaker population 37.

²¹ Non-transferable.

²² “Friends” include languages in the same country as your language or within 220.48 kilometers of your language. “Family” includes any language in the same language family, with a 45% or better Swadesh overlap.

²³ But probably not in your low-status local currency. U.S. dollars ($) and Euros (€) are accepted. Pounds sterling (£) will be accepted until ten years after Brexit negotiations have concluded. Sorry for any inconvenience.