[As most of our readers know, the SpecGram Letters Editors work very, very hard—slaving away around the clock, day and night, week after week, year after year, trying to dredge up some semblance of coherence from the putrid sack of unholy crazy that is our mailbag. As a result of admittedly poor contract negotiations by Þe Ald Unioun æf Editores æf Letres in 1459, the Letter Editors are allowed to go on an all-expenses-paid retreat for the month of December in years that end in a 5—in base 6, base 15, base 30, and base 67. The next such retreat will be in December 4025, so they are off partying like it’s 1999 (figuratively speaking). So that you, Dear Reader, would not be without letters this month, we’ve contracted out the editing of letters on a piecemeal basis to various and sundry contractors (who were clearly given too much latitude). We, like you, look forward to the safe return of many if not all Letters Editors in time for the next issue. —Eds.]

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Dear “Editors,”

While I enjoy reading your publication, I must say that I feel it is sadly behind the times. While more and more journals are accepting submissions in languages such as French, German, Klingon and Dothraki, your journal only ever seems to publish English pieces. Isn’t this a bit odd, considering you are a linguistics publication? Are non-English speakers not as worthy of your pages as Anglophones? Come on, give us a piece in another scholarly language!

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Douto Bêdê & Lucan,

Então chamas-te Look, Ã?, e não viste o Rizzoto Belletti da Maraci Rubin, pá? É porque a autora é mulher, e tu só consomes artigos de homem? Ã?

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Speculative Grammarian accepts well-written letters commenting on specific articles that appear in this journal or discussing the field of linguistics in general. We also accept poorly-written letters that ramble pointlessly. We reserve the right to ridicule the poorly-written ones and publish the well-written ones... or vice versa, at our discretion.

Dear Mister Ed,

Why do you insist on receiving, publishing and replying to Letters to the Editor in your otherwise flawlessly scholarly journal?

No letter or reply has yet contributed to enlightenment in satirical linguisticity, nay!, linguistical satiricity. I see no point in saddling spirited readers like me with letters considering amendments and replies amending considerations, or vice versa.

Refrain, please!

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Dear Anonymous,

The point is that your first consideration will be amended before publication. Meanwhile, your refrain is rejected forthwith, for lack of linguistic relevance both to the journal and the contents of your Letter to the Editor.

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Dear Herr Thor, Eddy

In reply to the small print in your Phonetics Fanatics Gazette ad, I have now the informants for your latest ‘In Vivo Veritas’ formant experiment after the required surgery chloroformed. They are ready for collection. Upon awakening, their transitional productions will statistically (in)significant F₀ ... F_n values of your choice from your previous publications match, as per your request.

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Dear Thick To and Fro [© Traduttore­Tradittore­Online™]

This is the 404th error message we receive and that’s all we know.