A Survey of Recent Trends in Philosophical Lexicography—Jay Chough Starling SpecGram Vol CLXXIV, No 2 Contents Mix & Match *—Max & Mitch Ninelette

You Xould be Using ColEctivO X!®™
The Birthifying of an Executive Modal Verb

Atherton Brock Carrington Delancey Eastburn, CEO
Farnsworth Godfrey Holden Ingram Jamison, Jr., CFO
Keaton Livingston Merriweather Northrup Osborne, III, CIO
Peyton Quinn Roane Sinclair Thurston, Jr., COO
and, with only mild disdain,
Upton Vanderbilt Windsor Xavier Yancy Zimmerman, Sr., CTO

Executivized Linguistickish Solutionizers, Inc.

Time is Money.
—Benjamin Franklin

Of course, it is important that a person as important as the “Chief Executive Officer” have a title that sounds appropriately important. But it can be both tiring and tiresome to have to enunciate and/or listen to so many heavy syllables—hence, the light-syllabled abbreviation “CEO”, which saves the savvy businessman1 time, which in turn saves money.

Naturally, the somewhat lesser beings of the corporate realm also need to have their egos stroked2—hence “Chief Financial Officer”, “Chief Information Officer”, “Chief Operations Officer”, and—at the bottom of the top of the heap—“Chief Technology Officer”. However, at typical levels of executive compensation, each and every utterance of any of these titles could cost shareholders a significant portion of a dollar. Thus the more commonly used CFO, CIO, COO, and CTO, respectively.

Despite these time-saving TLAs, referring to executives en masse or in the abstract allows—and thus efficiency requires—further collective abbreviation as CXO (sometimes written CxO3). This time-, money-, and labor-saving innovation works fantastically well—especially when dealing with the borderline absurd proliferation of such titles; not needing to carefully distinguish between the Chief Happiness Officer and the Chief Satisfaction Officer avoids an Informative Query™ to the Chief Knowledge Officer, an Instructive Lesson™ from the Chief Learning Officer, or a Spirit Journey™ with the Chief Visionary Officer.

However, no one seems to have properly capitalized on the success of CXO by moving into other sectors; there is much opportunity to leverage the synergies and increase mindshare with a more productive and proactive solution.

Our firm, ExecLingSol, is doing that just now, under our exciting new brand name:

ColEctivO X!®™

Our first foray into this brave new world is xould, an Executive Modal Verb. Pronounced /xʊd/,4 this powerful ExecModVrb replaces unwieldy5 phrases like “could or should” (xould), or “couldn’t and wouldn’t” (xouldn’t), or even “coulda woulda shoulda” (xoulda).

The savviest of executives can evoke subtle but important shades of meaning with subtle but powerful variations in pronunciation of this powerful and truly revolutionary ExecModVrb:

/ᵏxʊd/ implies more could
/xʷʊd/ implies more would
/xᶴʊd/ implies more should

The truly advanced practitioner6 can powerfully convey even more subtly savvy shades of meaning thusly:

/ᵏxᶴʊd/ implies less would
/ᵏxʷʊd/ implies less should
/xᶴʷʊd/ implies less could

Modeled after the highly successful SpecGram ⅔ Ellipsis™©—but priced to ensure the necessary Executive Quality Level—per-use licenses are only $250. Personal unlimited-use licenses are only $25,000. Corporate unlimited-use licenses are only £25,000 per user.7 Given the powerful ExecQuaLev, these are savvy, savvy prices.

Our multi-national pricing powerfully reflects our savvy commitment and laser-like focus on a vast array of important upcoming domestic and international offerings, as well.

While some may feel that this borders on conspixuous consumpxion, nothing could be further from the truth. A savvy, powerful CXO knows that such luxuries are well-earned!


1 The savvy syllable-saving businesswoman accepts businessman as a catch-all generic term, because it’s more efficient than either businesswoman or businessperson. Ideology, ethics, social progress, and gender equality are for the weak—much like having friends, a family, or a life outside of work!

2 You see the same silliness in academic journals: Editor “in-Chief” or “Executive” Editor or “Senior” Editor. Consulting Editor, though—that’s a real job!

3 While the meaningful orthographic distinction between capitalized specific initials C and O and the lowercase generic and variable placeholder x can be appreciated by the linguistically and typographically inclined, the typical denizen of the executive suite will want to dispense with such niceties and project the power of ALL CAPS.

4 Also available, an expansion pack that allows for /çʊd/-based pronunciations, if you are into that kind of thing. (We don’t judge.)

5 And potentially legally dangerous phrases, too. Officially, ExecLingSol maintains that xould actually has no meaning at all, and any sentence it is in is devoid not only of content, but specifically of legally binding content. That xould help hold off lawsuits!

6 Training is available. You may make an Informative Query™ to ExecLingSol’s Chief Knowledge Officer, receive an Instructive Lesson™ from ExecLingSol’s Chief Learning Officer, or undertake a Spirit Journey™ with ExecLingSol’s Chief Visionary Officer.

7 No euros (€) accepted.

8 This comes up in business discussion more than you’d imagine.

A Survey of Recent Trends in Philosophical Lexicography—Jay Chough Starling
Mix & Match *—Max & Mitch Ninelette
SpecGram Vol CLXXIV, No 2 Contents