Spelling Made Simple—Rev. Q. X. Shawtwain SpecGram Vol CLXIX, No 2 Contents Bestsellers of 2013—Announcement from Panini Press

Linguistic Rehab

We all know that linguists are, ideally, supposed to be pure descriptivists. But in that same way that your family can get under your skin like no one else, hearing your precious native language butchered by cretins isn’t just “interesting data”, it’s an all-out assault on your sensitive sensibilities!


First admit to, then embrace your native prescriptivism. Some things are just plain wrong and need to be fixed. Do you cringe when you hear people say things like these?:

The list just goes on and on!

Well, cringe no more! Send your annoying family, friends, and colleagues to linguistic rehab and have them reprogrammed into proper speakers of standard English. (American, British, and Australian varieties are available.)

Luxurious accommodations await each and every retrainee in our sprawling-yet-inviting campuses. A simple commitment pledge (with bonus signing ceremony!) upon arrival legally binds our guests to stay with us for a full 30-, 60-, or 90-day treatment program. Inviting vistas and razor wire fences encourage guests to hunker down for the long haul without hope of escape or reprieve.

Every member of our licensed, professional staff has completed several minutes of online training, and is fully versed in all the best collaborative linguistic rehabilitation protocols. Recreational phonetic and phonological activities take up most of the morning, and entertaining grammar drills help while away the early afternoon hours. After dinner, random bed checks and mandatory midnight declension exercises keep the evenings hopping! Electroshock encourages retrainees to give their best effort!

Special Offer! €30 off a 30-day treatment block for a second loved one (€5 off for a second intern). Use code TWOFER.

We also think it is important to address the needs of the whole person, not just some abstract language faculty. Retired army and marine drill sergeants lovingly and painstakingly break down every fundamental building block of our guests’ personalities while invasive psychological profiling guarantees the necessary weakening of each retrainee’s sense of self to leave them vulnerable to reprogramming.

The Speculative Grammarian Editorial Board uses this facility for ‘Intern Reëducation’ when a good solid flogging just isn’t getting the job done. We have been completely satisfied with the speech and behavior patterns of our drones interns once they have been returned to us.

What is having a docile, soft-spoken, eminently articulate friend, family member, or colleague worth to you? For a meager pittance of €17,000 per 30-day treatment block, you can replace your loved ones (or unavoidable co-workers) with better versions of themselves.

See, a little prescriptivism isn’t so bad, is it?

Spelling Made SimpleRev. Q. X. Shawtwain
Bestsellers of 2013Announcement from Panini Press
SpecGram Vol CLXIX, No 2 Contents