“SpecGram is probably the bravest linguistics journal on the planet. No other journal had the enormous integrity needed to print my piece on Shigudo, which has launched my emeritus career into the stratosphere.”
—Edmund C. Gladstone-Chamberlain
“We at the X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies appreciate Speculative Grammarian’s commitment to communication, compromise, and clarity in the name of collaboration. As we congratulate them on their Tenth Digiversary, we look forward to continuing to work with SpecGram for many years to come.”
—Coöper A. Shinn, XQK Public Relations Officer
“Speculative Grammarian has been a feature of the linguistic blog-
“I would say that the SpecGram Editorial Board is the most conniving, back-
“Every serious field of study deserves a satirical wing, and linguistics is blessed in this regard with Speculative Grammarian.”
“Under Trey Jones’ editorship, Speculative Grammarian has published the most insightful linguistics article I have ever read. I should know, I wrote it myself.”
—Noah McMosky, University of Ledworth
—G. Berish, Wessex Thomas Hardy University
“Many of you will know and fear the Speculative Grammarian journal, the ultimate Shibboleth in the field of languaging (and if you know what a Shibboleth is, and are proud of it, then [it] might be for you).”
—Phineas Q. Phlogiston
“Only those who are truly devoted to something can produce fine satire and parody. ... [T]he contributors to SpecGram obviously know their stuff, don’t take themselves (or their discipline) over-
“If you are satisfied with the mere groundbreaking, go for the traditional journals. If you’re holding out for earth-
—Morris Swadesh III
“I’d like to thank SpecGram for providing both a publications outlet and a generous funding source for the Bizarre Grammars of the World Series. The feel of the printed journal in my hands always makes it seem all the more real. I can
—Claude Searsplainpockets & Helga von Helganschtein y Searsplainpockets
“I’ve enclosed a small token of my appreciation on the event of your tenth digiversary.”
—Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.
“Look, we’re basically indentured servants here. You know it. We know it. Contractually, you all but literally own us. (I think you may even legally own the interns that work in North Korea.) I’m not sure I believe that the arcane magickal oath we swore in Pig-
—Cynthanie Diplodocus, Intern #79502 & Shop Steward, SpecGram Interns Union
[Request denied. The beatings will continue until morale improves. —Eds.]
“Little is more satisfying than an evening spent perusing dog-
“Dear Spec. Graham, I would just like to say that before you found me, ten years ago, I was a poor lonesome, sickly cornflakes eater. I ate cornflakes every morning of my life, and I thought it was amaizing. I had never even heard of graham crackers or graham flour or anything, so when I saw my first box of Special Graham, I thought ‘OK, that might be good’. And I have never looked back. Special Graham has been my favorite serial ever since. Thanks, Spec Graham.”
A rare image of the SpecGram editorial archives during Prohibition.
“Dear Members of the Speculative Grammarian Board of Examiners:
While I was not immediately enamored of this entire ‘electronic journal’ idea, I must admit that it has proven both durable and robust in the decade since it was implemented. I had not anticipated the extent to which the format could perform the essential function of a journal: to eliminate the need for travel when one is attempting to keep abreast of recent trends in the field. Our field has its share of print journals, of course
Of course, Speculative Grammarian’s previous Editorial Board, as you know, had already tried to go one better by eliminating the Library middleman; in the early 1990s, it had succeeded in eluding library purchasing lists entirely. While the mail was a definite improvement, however, it still was problematic; despite my many constructive suggestions, the Postal Office continues to ignore the myriad flaws inherent in placing postboxes in exposed positions. Editor Jones’ proposal to convert the journal to a form transmissible through the internet
In regards to publication standards, I am afraid I am rather biased, as Editor Jones personally rejected my article ‘Seasonal Chromatic Shifts in the Plumage of Cuniculator gnari var. zipphii.’ While I disagree with his ex cathedra assertion that my distinction between ‘umber’ and ‘wenge’ should have taken background lighting into consideration, and with his unnecessarily arcane application of some sort of color measurement device he had gotten hold of, I must suppose that it does indicate a healthy attention to detail.
In summary: Although I fear he might be emboldened by it
“PS: After Tuesdays, on the Sachertorteschrank. And if he stores corned-
“Ungh... my chest! Uuuunnngh!”
—Arkhibuldinho Rasputinsky McFudgment
“Ah, yes, I remember me well the first time I met the Editorial Board of SpecGram. We were all in grade school together, 2nd grade I believe, and on the first day of school I was being beaten up behind the gym by several 3rd graders when they walked around the corner, saw what was happening, and said, ‘No, no, you’re doing it wrong.’ They then proceeded to pound their fists into my face repeatedly. This merely made me start laughing, seeing how little effect their feeble blows had. The 3rd graders jumped them and made them eat dirt. This daily ritual continued for the next 4 years, but it made all of us in the weaker leagues of our class appreciate the Editorial Board of SpecGram all the more, for with them around the older kids had much easier targets than the rest of us.
The next distinct memory I have of the Editorial Board of SpecGram was in September 1979, after the news broke of the killer rabbit attack on Jimmy Carter. The Editorial Board of SpecGram had always been twitchy around any animals larger than a small toe, even furry ones, however cute and cuddly, but this story affected them profoundly. For the first week of school they would be dropped off in the morning gibbering ‘Bunnies, bunnies, keep them away,’ and soon the 4th graders took to wearing rabbit masks at recess. That Halloween all the children dressed as rabbits, and at the end of the year the school adopted a new mascot, the Killer Rabbit. Already the Editorial Board of SpecGram was making their mark on the world!
The rest of the Editorial Board of SpecGram’s educational career we should probably pass over in silence for all concerned, though I can’t help pointing out the symbolic event in which they corrected the misapprehension of their 5th grade science teacher that infrared radiation is radiation that one may ‘infrare.’ The combination of their acuity in science with their psychopathic inability to let it rest really tells you all that need be known of this stage of their lives. Similarly, the most memorable event of their high school days, being the first cadets in American history to be court-
But finally we get to their years after school, when they came into their own. Beginning as door to door spice salesmen, the Editorial Board of SpecGram worked their way up to become heads of the world’s largest oregano import and export company. Indeed, they probably still would be the kingpins of the marjoram family trade if they had only taken to heart the wise street advice they never had a chance to learn, ‘Don’t get high off your own supply.’ Alas, they never did have street smarts, and so it is that after hitting rock bottom and then digging for several years, they finally worked their way back up to regional managers of the Gruff Murchison Used Auto Supply Corporation. Congratulations, Editorial Board of SpecGram! We never knew you had it in you!”
[Note: Thanks to a Bing Translator mishap, it turns out this testimonial is for a completely different “Editorial Board of SpecGram”. However, as it is more entertaining than anything having to do with our Editorial Board, and as
Speculative Grammarian accepts well-