Cabalistic Element Naming
A Semi-Practical Use for Linguistics

by Ph. Isaacs, N.V., Ph.D. and Hume N. Ih-Tees

We all (or, at least those of us who stayed awake in high school chemistry) are familiar with chemical elements like sodium (atomic number 11, symbol Na) and chlorine (atomic number 17, symbol Cl), but most of us (even those of us who failed out of chemistry in college—the pinnacle of science achievement among humanities majors!) are aware of the fascinating world of elements beyond the mere hundred-off substances known today.

The International Cabal of Pure and Applied Linguistics has been keeping an eye on the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry, which uses a set of systematic rules for giving official names to as-yet-unnamed (and possibly as-yet-undiscovered) high-numbered elements. While physicists of various sorts claim that there are likely no elements above atomic number 137 (or maybe it's 173: there seem to be various versions of that memo making the rounds), it is clear that the abstract cabalistic essence of the systematic naming system is very real. Thus, we consider the meaning and likely properties of various transuranic elements as revealed to us by the high priests of hypothetical high-energy physics.

There is biocttrium (element 283, symbol Bot) which is clearly a superior material for creating cute, possibly anime-inspired androids.

Expect a series of elements to revolutionize the development of prosthetics in elective plastic surgery, including biuntritrium, bioctoctbium, and triunsepthexium (atomic numbers 2133, 2882, 3176, respectively, with symbols Butt, Boob, and Tush).

Element 5885, pentoctoctpentium (symbol Poop) will, when synthesized, be an ideal material for waste containment units, while hexunhexium (atomic number 616, symbol Huh) will be found to cause confusion in those who come in contact with it.

It may only be possible to enact significant, cross-class social reform if we can create meaningful compounds of hexoctbioctium and septniloctbium (atomic numbers 6828 and 7082, symbols Hobo and Snob).

Of even more interest to the linguisticians, element 39709—much much heavier than any currently known elements and named triennilseptennium (symbol Tense)—may very well warp the fabric of space time enough to affect whether events happen in the past, present, or future.

The even more massive octnilseptenntrium (atomic number 80793, symbol Onset) will likely prove useful to metrical phonologists who need to create super-heavy syllables.

We predict that after the successful synthesis of tri­hex­enn­sept­enn­septium (atomic number 369797, symbol Theses), all future PhD dissertations will be required to be made of compounds of this element.

Naturally, element 280280, bi­oct­nil­bi­oct­nilium, with symbol Bonbon, will be delicious.

Despite being of unknowable chemical composition, super heavy element 39018170977, tri­ennil­un­oct­un­sept­nil­enn­sept­septium (symbol Tenuousness), will be discovered to moderate the relationship between data and theory in linguistics.

Finally, the ultra-super-mega-massively heavy element un­nil­sept­ennil­sept­un­oct­un­sept­nil­enn­sept­septium, with atomic number 10790718170977, will prove to be generally undesirable (symbol Unsensuousness).

We believe that this valuable information will allow linguarians and philologists alike to invest in the upcoming chemical revolution, since their linguistics degrees won't be doing them any favors in the meantime out on the job market.

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	SpecGram Vol CLXIV, No 2 Contents