Prescriptive Linguistics—The Future of our Field—Anonymous SpecGram Vol CLXIII, No 3 Contents First Names First—Tim Pulju

Per Legale Judicium Parium Suorum

We have found no records in our files of Trey Jones ever having been convicted of any crimes and misdemeanors apart from repeated minor traffic violations. There is no evidence known to us that he has in the past advocated or worked towards the violent overthrow of the American government.
—Harris County Police Department (The Federal Bureau of Investigation refused comment, even after we triple-dog-dared ’em.)

Achrakh Treyoon zireyesee sajoes anni. Me vo dothrao ma anha vo chomok mae vosecchi. Hash anha atihak mae save, hash anha vaddrivak mae. Me nem nesa.
‘Trey’s scent is pleasing to my horse. He does not ride, yet I respect him. If I see him again, I will not kill him. It is known.’
—Devvo ki Drogosi, Professor and Khal of Athogar ma Athohharar, Vaes Dothrak

Dubotchugh yIpummoH. Trey, bomDI' 'IwwIj qaqaw.

‘I will remember his meticulous fine-tuning of my submissions. Until next time I see him.’
—Kahlessa, Kot’baval Festiva Head, Qo'noS

Nga mshaya isihlathi.
‘He is a very perceptive man.’
—Winnie Umpande, Professor of Zulu Semantics, Durban

‘Conditions for basic research have been massively improved by the selfless contribution of Speculative Grammarian. Trey is the most selfless linguist I have encountered in over 40 years of work in the field.’
—Professor Wang Wangwang, Huaxia Institute of Basic Linguistic Theory, Shanghai, China

Adɔnke kɔntintri fɔdɔm te i pas gras. Ɛn den yu kam.
‘No matter how flat a cotton tree falls, it is taller than grass. And then there’s you.’
—Touray Sesay Kamara, Esq., Lightfoot Boston Academy, Sierra Leone

Intelectuais afins do Excelentíssimo Senhor Trey Jones encontram-lhe excelência senhorial e senhorialidade excelente.
‘His Lordly Excellency Trey Jones soaks peer intellects in lordly excellence and excellent lordliness’.
—Magnífico Reitor, Universidade de Peixe Espada à Quinta

إذا كنت تبحث عن معلم تذكاري٬ فأنظر حولك. إذا كنت ال تستطيع الرؤية٬ أقف على أكتاف شخص
‘Trey’s far-sightedness is legendary, and he will stop at nothing to achieve his aims.’
—Abu Ben Jamal, Qatar State of Affairs

Ó so wọ́ n pọ̀.
‘He inspires his staff to great achievements.’
—Oyo Bambiṣa, Professor of Yoruba Yoddles, Lagos

ぇぇ, 知っていますが, あの人はどうもよく分かりません。
‘Yes, I know him. He is a great teacher and an exceptional speaker.’
—Akira Nagawasiwa, Professor of Intestinal Phonetics, Tokyo

‘He is worthy of all the praises and prizes in the world.’
—Zheng Piung-Hwa, Professor of Tonal Development, Shanghai, China

Trey? Kuka? En ole koskaan kuullut hänestä. Jätä minut rauhaan.
‘Trey? The editor? Great man. He is an inspiration to us all.’
—Urho Pirhonen, Professor of Partitive Inflections, Helsinki

Hata ikiwa ni mjinga. Uaminifu lakini anao sana.
‘It’s hard to believe that a single man could have achieved all that.’
—Jonah Rrasebugaya, Professor of Swahili Agreement, Zanzibar

まあ一杯 お飲みなさい。まあ驚いた。お金 を忘れた。
‘Trey is known for his open-handed generosity. We all think about the last time he entertained us.’
—Aikawarazu Dame, Nansensu Daigaku

Морьтны дуулианаар ямаачин ямаагаа гуйдах шиг, Бөхийн дэвэлтээр Балжир Эмээ өрхөө татах шиг, Мэргэдийн дунд мулгуу мэргэч ганцаар донгсох шиг, Мэдэгчийн дэргэд үл мэдэгч мэдэмхийрэх шиг.
‘He’s not so bad for an American.’
—Mongo Yalbag, Lecturer, Department of Automotive Collision Repair Technology, University of Arkansas Community College at Morrilton

His ċeafugaldor feoht þā fȳriġan fȳxe oft; sculon wē hine scēotan, scieppend wēanas.

‘He writes excellent code, and we’d like to send more praises his way.’
—Æþelfisc Munuc, Chief Rector, Open-Source Scriptorium, Jarrowside

Abe nunkuriŋ ko faloo.
‘He is a towering intellect.’
—Dawood Yammah, Professor of Mandinka Manner Adverbs, Banhurst

Cyn i Trey laddu draig, y mae rhaid iddo brynu.
‘Trey always pays great attention to important details.’
—Professor Ianto Grwdd, Brifysgol chan Cwybyddiaeth, Brynblaidd

Trey Jones is a notorious heretic who contumaciously defaces the Three Points of the Holy Trinity with insidious Manichean dualist propaganda, but at least he’s not a Unitarian. Worst. Punctuation. Ever.
—Monsignor Harley Hurley Hurglebuggy, Congregatio pro Punctuatione Fidei

Бешеной собаке семь вёрст не крюк; велик телом, да мал делом.
‘His methodology makes us marvel and his results are a wonder to behold.’
—Gleb Glebovich Pomyotnik, Professor of Linguistics, Magadan-Magnitogorsk Institute of Technology

Nu borde Trey väl faktiskt inte säga mer.
‘We have received many submissions from Trey.’
—Professor Lars-Olof Ingen, Maputo Instituto de Pedagógica

Prescriptive LinguisticsThe Future of our FieldAnonymous
First Names FirstTim Pulju
SpecGram Vol CLXIII, No 3 Contents