Help!—A Letter From Another Editor—Jouni Maho SpecGram Vol CLXIII, No 3 Contents Secret Places Discovered—Alibaba Loquat Smith-Guernsey

Preliminary ESA Report: Speculative Grammarian
Preliminary Report: Speculative Grammarian

Case Summary:

The Board of Governors of Speculative Grammarian contracted ZWM Quine & Assoc to perform a standard Efficiency and Safety Assessment (ESA) as part of an arbitrated renegotiation
Figure 1: Organizational Structure
between the Board and its health insurance provider, Allostate, which had sought redress for what it described as “an egregious number of claims of a dubious nature.” As per standard practice in an Efficiency and Safety Report (ESR), we first reviewed the methods by which E&S assessment information propagates through Speculative Grammarian’s organizational structure, since the bearing of a fraudulent claim on the case would only result from institutional, not individual, culpability.

While modern business practice emphasizes clear demarcation of roles and explicit determination of report-to vectors, we realize that academic publishing is a different sort of enterprise, with its own priorities. No institutional authority document (IAD) pre-existed, but our team was able to assemble the schema shown in Figure 1 by collating a number of records provided by Managing Editor Trey Jones, as well as Ms. Reliance Trodhollow, the Materials Exchequer. Verbal statements by Ms. E. Fantod were used for corroboration, but not as primary sources of data, particularly in regard to the spontaneous combustion incident.

The placement of the COO and CFO in the SG schema is distinctive; there is some evidence that these titles were assigned to already-extant positions in 1989 when the Board enquired as to who was serving in those capacities. Both positions are currently held by the same individual, C. Searsplainpockets.

E&S data in this structure does not flow consistently or, for that matter, in a predictable direction. Thus, a claim-incidence ranking strategy was used, followed by site studies on the top five claims sources. As these comprised 92% of total claims, the results should nevertheless be fairly representative.

Office Claims 1985-2010 Claim Types
Field Operations 47

Medical: Contusions, Fractures, Infectious Diseases (INFLenza, Frickets, Buccal Banzai, Yeller Fever), Idiopathic Syndromes (Sebaceous Rhotacism).

Psychiatric: PTSD (frequent), Multiple Anomia Disorder, Delusions of Relevance, Phobias (open spaces, Pinnacle Sherpas, vaccinations, Trey Jones).

Emergency Medical and Celebrations Coordinator 22

Medical: Contusions, Fractures, Allergic Reactions (to plants, animals, fungi, and proto-World).

Psychiatric: PTSD, Chemical Dependence, Megalojargonism, Phobias (linguists).

Head Graphician 18

Medical: Diacritic Inflammation, Scribal Incontinence, Contact Dermatitis (kraken ink), Abyad’s Grippe, Abdominal Ligatures.

Psychiatric: Delusions of Math, Metallipsis, Fontocentric Personality Disorder.

Emeritus-Wrangler 12

Medical: Contusions, Auslautverslingung, Bahuvrithitis, Laudanum-poisoning.

Psychiatric: PTSD, Phobias (Fantod)

Logistics Coordinator 9

Psychiatric: Center-Embedding, Self-Dislocation


Results Summary:


  1. Reconstitute SG’s organizational structure so as to render it amenable to analysis by consultancy firms.

  2. Hire a consultancy firm to aid in structural reorganization. Do not accept Mr. Jones’s offer of writing a Javascript consultancy-emulator program.

  3. Require waivers to be signed by all people (employees or otherwise) entering the Hall of Glottohistory. Require additional waivers to be signed by anyone within 40 feet of Ms. Fantod.

  4. Institute detailed training sessions for new interns, particularly those being assigned to Field Operations. Simply handing them a bright red shirt is clearly insufficient.

  5. Refuse all future claims involving Pinnacle Sherpas in any form.

  6. Add language to the contract with Allostate stipulating that no forms are to be submitted in a language other than English, and that Mr. Peterson is not allowed to make up a new language and call it “English.”

Help!A Letter From Another EditorJouni Maho
Secret Places DiscoveredAlibaba Loquat Smith-Guernsey
SpecGram Vol CLXIII, No 3 Contents