Preliminary ESA Report:
The Board of Governors of Speculative Grammarian contracted ZWM Quine & Assoc to perform a standard Efficiency and Safety Assessment (ESA) as part of an arbitrated renegotiation
Figure 1: Organizational Structure
While modern business practice emphasizes clear demarcation of roles and explicit determination of report-to vectors, we realize that academic publishing is a different sort of enterprise, with its own priorities. No institutional authority document (IAD) pre-
The placement of the COO and CFO in the SG schema is distinctive; there is some evidence that these titles were assigned to already-
E&S data in this structure does not flow consistently or, for that matter, in a predictable direction. Thus, a claim-
While claims were localized within the divisions shown, several of these divisions have the same personnel as others. Absence of claims followed the same pattern. Trey Jones, the Managing Editor, who has filed no claims whatsoever, doubles as Director of Print Production (a division which also includes internet publication, which was defined in the early 90s as being “the same as print in Underlying Structure”). He also acts as Pantler pro tem, and, apparently, much of the everyday work of the Facilities Manager is done by Perl scripts Mr. Jones wrote.
By far the greatest proportion of claims originated in the Field Operations section, unsurprisingly. Staff in this section are frequently assigned to overseas locations, encounter hostile environments, and, apparently, regularly offend local populations. In addition, it is the area to which the greatest number of new interns are assigned, and sees the greatest amount of turnover. Infectious diseases are a major concern; the FO office was directed in 2008 to initiate a program of vaccination to decrease claims, and reported having done over 42 vaccinations since that time. However, our study showed that 38 of these 42 were of the same individual.
The Emergency Medical and Celebrations Coordinator’s office, as well as the Emeritus- Wrangler’s office, is located in SG’s main administrative building, within its “Hall of Glottohistory” wing. As this doubles as a museum, containing numerous preserved biological specimens, staff are exposed to a wide range of potential allergens. It is, in fact, the site of the only known incident of an allergic reaction to an extinct avian, the dooodo (Raphus cucullatus var. trimoraicus), as well as of the spontaneous combustion incident. The Emeritus offices are also located in this wing, having been moved there by Mr. Jones in 2001; there has apparently been no organized effort to inventory the area for hazardous materials, of which there are a number. Our team found several caches of weapons in an office whose owner said they were “in case of lexicalists,” a large amount asbestos insulation in the basement, and a series of rooms packed to the roof with stuffed Nostratic proto-
The Head Graphician’s office, located in a separate facility, has repeatedly filed claims of injury due to “umlaut deformation”; the site team found that the staff was unable to agree on just what this was, although two of them agreed that it was caused by leaving out the last point of an ellipsis. As a disorder, it is even less found in the medical literature than most of the others listed on SG’s claims.
Reconstitute SG’s organizational structure so as to render it amenable to analysis by consultancy firms.
Require waivers to be signed by all people (employees or otherwise) entering the Hall of Glottohistory. Require additional waivers to be signed by anyone within 40 feet of Ms. Fantod.
Institute detailed training sessions for new interns, particularly those being assigned to Field Operations. Simply handing them a bright red shirt is clearly insufficient.
Refuse all future claims involving Pinnacle Sherpas in any form.
Add language to the contract with Allostate stipulating that no forms are to be submitted in a language other than English, and that Mr. Peterson is not allowed to make up a new language and call it “English.”