Preliminary ESA Report: Speculative Grammarian
	Preliminary Report: Speculative Grammarian

Case Summary:

The Board of Governors of Speculative Grammarian contracted ZWM Quine & Assoc to perform a standard Efficiency and Safety Assessment (ESA) as part of an arbitrated renegotiation

Figure 1: Organizational Structure

between the Board and its health insurance provider, Allostate, which had sought redress for what it described as “an egregious number of claims of a dubious nature.” As per standard practice in an Efficiency and Safety Report (ESR), we first reviewed the methods by which E&S assessment information propagates through Speculative Grammarian’s organizational structure, since the bearing of a fraudulent claim on the case would only result from institutional, not individual, culpability.

While modern business practice emphasizes clear demarcation of roles and explicit determination of report-to vectors, we realize that academic publishing is a different sort of enterprise, with its own priorities. No institutional authority document (IAD) pre-existed, but our team was able to assemble the schema shown in Figure 1 by collating a number of records provided by Managing Editor Trey Jones, as well as Ms. Reliance Trodhollow, the Materials Exchequer. Verbal statements by Ms. E. Fantod were used for corroboration, but not as primary sources of data, particularly in regard to the spontaneous combustion incident.

The placement of the COO and CFO in the SG schema is distinctive; there is some evidence that these titles were assigned to already-extant positions in 1989 when the Board enquired as to who was serving in those capacities. Both positions are currently held by the same individual, C. Searsplainpockets.

E&S data in this structure does not flow consistently or, for that matter, in a predictable direction. Thus, a claim-incidence ranking strategy was used, followed by site studies on the top five claims sources. As these comprised 92% of total claims, the results should nevertheless be fairly representative.

• While claims were localized within the divisions shown, several of these divisions have the same personnel as others. Absence of claims followed the same pattern. Trey Jones, the Managing Editor, who has filed no claims whatsoever, doubles as Director of Print Production (a division which also includes internet publication, which was defined in the early 90s as being “the same as print in Underlying Structure”). He also acts as Pantler pro tem, and, apparently, much of the everyday work of the Facilities Manager is done by Perl scripts Mr. Jones wrote.

• By far the greatest proportion of claims originated in the Field Operations section, unsurprisingly. Staff in this section are frequently assigned to overseas locations, encounter hostile environments, and, apparently, regularly offend local populations. In addition, it is the area to which the greatest number of new interns are assigned, and sees the greatest amount of turnover. Infectious diseases are a major concern; the FO office was directed in 2008 to initiate a program of vaccination to decrease claims, and reported having done over 42 vaccinations since that time. However, our study showed that 38 of these 42 were of the same individual.

• The Emergency Medical and Celebrations Coordinator’s office, as well as the Emeritus- Wrangler’s office, is located in SG’s main administrative building, within its “Hall of Glottohistory” wing. As this doubles as a museum, containing numerous preserved biological specimens, staff are exposed to a wide range of potential allergens. It is, in fact, the site of the only known incident of an allergic reaction to an extinct avian, the dooodo (Raphus cucullatus var. trimoraicus), as well as of the spontaneous combustion incident. The Emeritus offices are also located in this wing, having been moved there by Mr. Jones in 2001; there has apparently been no organized effort to inventory the area for hazardous materials, of which there are a number. Our team found several caches of weapons in an office whose owner said they were “in case of lexicalists,” a large amount asbestos insulation in the basement, and a series of rooms packed to the roof with stuffed Nostratic proto-forms.

• The Head Graphician’s office, located in a separate facility, has repeatedly filed claims of injury due to “umlaut deformation”; the site team found that the staff was unable to agree on just what this was, although two of them agreed that it was caused by leaving out the last point of an ellipsis. As a disorder, it is even less found in the medical literature than most of the others listed on SG’s claims.

Recommendations:

1. Reconstitute SG’s organizational structure so as to render it amenable to analysis by consultancy firms.

2. Hire a consultancy firm to aid in structural reorganization. Do not accept Mr. Jones’s offer of writing a Javascript consultancy-emulator program.

3. Require waivers to be signed by all people (employees or otherwise) entering the Hall of Glottohistory. Require additional waivers to be signed by anyone within 40 feet of Ms. Fantod.

4. Institute detailed training sessions for new interns, particularly those being assigned to Field Operations. Simply handing them a bright red shirt is clearly insufficient.

5. Refuse all future claims involving Pinnacle Sherpas in any form.

6. Add language to the contract with Allostate stipulating that no forms are to be submitted in a language other than English, and that Mr. Peterson is not allowed to make up a new language and call it “English.”

	Help!—A Letter From Another Editor—Jouni Maho
	Secret Places Discovered—Alibaba Loquat Smith-Guernsey
	SpecGram Vol CLXIII, No 3 Contents