SpecGram Dialect Expertise Services
Qualified linguists offer expertise in dialect estimation

Phonetics—Dialectology—Morphology—Syntax—Phonology—Lexicology—Sociolinguistics

• Determination of feature status (archaic vs. innovatory)
• Precise geographical location down to village or neighbourhood scale
• List of ongoing sound changes
• List of unusual morphological paradigms
• Word order variations
• Glossary of unknown words
• Socioeconomic status, mental and physical health status, current mood, shoe size, IQ

As seen on the Phonetics Roadshow!

Testimonials

Sue, 43, hair dresser, Westshire-nigh-Eastshire
“Thanks to the professional expertise from SpecGram Dialect Expertise Services, we can now lease Grandpa to the Natural Museum; for just 3 hours a day of him recounting the same old stories as he already did at home and which none of us could stand anymore, we now receive £60 a day. If only we had known what treasure we’ve had at home, we would have asked for the expertise even earlier.”

[Name redacted], [age redacted], CIA, [location redacted]
“We had been hiring computational linguists and speech engineers for years, but they barely made any advances in automatic dialect recognition. SpecGram Dialect Expertise Services offers prompt, rapid and discrete estimations down to the jitters and shimmers and such a precise determination of linguistic origin that we are now able to find the birth place of any suspect person. This allows us not only to retrace the movements of terrorists and terrorist networks all over the world, but also to make predictions about further sociophonetic developments and future dialectal mergers in these criminal organizations. We’re way ahead of everybody else on this!”

Ann, 23, student in education sciences, Essex
“A lot of my friends make some extra money by serving as nude models for the drawing classes over at the Faculty of Applied Fine Arts. But thanks to SpecGram Dialect Expertise Services, who evaluated and certified my dialect, I can now earn a living by working as an informant for dialectology and other linguistics classes. Even lexicologists and syntacticians say they find unbelievable features in my speech! I don’t worry about my future anymore. If becoming a preschool teacher doesn’t work out for me, I can still sell my language.”

	Ratical Minimalism—Lecture Announcement from Dr. S. Morgenstern
	EtymGeo™—International Edition, Part I—The SpecGram Puzzle Elves™
	SpecGram Vol CLXII, No 1 Contents