Lettre à un Ami Philologue

A Letter from the Managing Editor

Mon ami! Mon cher frère!

Thank you for beginning to relate to me the tale of your recent woe-filled trip to South-Central New Caledonia. I’mma let you finish but first I have to tell you about this amazing new course I purchased from an ad in the back of Modern Philologist’s Quarterly. It expands the Spruiellian Hypothesis to a practical method for learning Proto-Indo-European. Through a combination of channeling of and consumption of spirits—see what I did there, that’s funny—one can become diachronically and synchronically aligned with the tongues of our linguistic forebears. Imbibing distillations of la fée verte is a crucial yet enjoyable component of the process. It frees the mind and slurs the speech in just the right way. I must say that my performance of a mash-up of Homer’s Odyssey and Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus—re-worked as a philological commentary on the socio-political ramifications of the modern-day coconut trade, translated by me into Proto-Indo-European and recited from memory to the gathered guests, was the hit of the 17th decennial Proto-Indo-European Roundtable in Algonquia.

The great thing about this program—did I mention that it is a subscription service?—is that the providers have found a way around prohibitions on the Green Muse in almost every country on earth, using religious and professional exemptions. One may have to sign an affidavit averring that one is a professionally cross-dressing chimney sweep and a member of the Neo-Pagan Reform Скопцы, but it is a small sacrifice. By the way, I haven’t been keeping track of the news from the New World for some time now, so I’m curious whether Prohibition has been repealed there yet. Do let me know if you have heard anything recently.

As I said, this is a subscription service, and I’m thinking of becoming a distributor. I would, of course, expect you to subscribe, and to provide at least fifteen to twenty other subscribers, each of whom should be able to do the same. If you do that for me, I believe I could also secure for you a distributorship of your own. This elevator is going to the moon, so best to get in on the ground floor.

In related news, the new issue of The Journal contains a number of superb cocktail recipes. All are potentially compatible with the program as well, and several are quite delicious as well as efficacious in bringing out one’s inner Proto-Indo-European.

I’m glad we could have this chat. You are a swell friend, as the youngsters are saying these days. It may be the Green Goddess talking, but I love you, man!

[It is with sincerest regrets that we must apologize for the inclusion of this personal letter in this issue. The managing editor prepared his planned letter and this one in the usual way—on papyrus and transliterated into runes—and there was a bit of a mix up. Unfortunately, the letter had already been typeset in one-use-only hand-carved unicorn bone sorts (as the managing editor requires each month), and the art department had already been paid royalties on the photo inset. We were only able to cut a graphic personal anecdote concerning nude body surfing in Nebraska in order to include this explanation. Sorry for any inconvenience. —Eds.]

With that, I offer hearty congratulations to the Chiasmus of the Month Award winner for December 2010!

Thomas J. Creswell, 1975, Usage in dictionaries and dictionaries of usage, University of Alabama Press. Chiasmus of the Month December 2010

	Letters to the Editor
	SpecGram Vol CLX, No 3 Contents