The gods of Linguistiana have been LYING TO YOU. They tell you that their OPERATIONS operate on OBJECTS, ignoring the fact that the WORLD IS A DOUBLE WORLD, and that there are OBJECTS and SUBJECTS. I have discovered this doubly TRUE FACT, and have applied to EVERY MAJOR LINGUISTICS CONFERENCE in and around the Columbus, Ohio area in the past seventeen years to spread the MESSAGE. And what do you think? I’ve been DENIED admittance to EVERY SINGLE CONFERENCE TO WHICH I’VE APPLIED. It makes you wonder: What are they so AFRAID of? What are they trying to HIDE?

Thankfully my essay has finally been accepted to a journal of LINGUISTIC REPUTE AND RENOWN, so now you can know that there are TWO FREEDOMS, not just the one the GOVERNMENT tries to spoon-feed you. They’re afraid of what will happen if the public LEARNS about the DUAL FREEDOM PRINCIPLE. Just as there are two sides to every coin, two corners to every day and two branches to every tree, there are TWO FREEDOMS for EVERY INDIVIDUAL: Linguistic and alinguistic. They will only tell you about ALINGUISTIC FREEDOM, but that’s just ONE FREEDOM. LINGUISTIC FREEDOM leads INEVITABLY to alinguistic freedom. Why should you be DENIED linguistic freedom?

I, Cletus McGraw, am the DEVELOPER, CREATOR and GRAND MASTER of SIMPLIFICATIONAL ONOMASTICS: The ONLY approach to total LINGUISTIC FREEDOM. For every language, there are TWO sides: The OPAQUE and the SOURCE. Every day, we face the problems of the OPAQUE: He speaks Spanish, he speaks English, he speaks Italian, he speaks Farsi, and NO ONE understands each other. But it’s so SIMPLE! That’s just the OPAQUE: THE SOURCE IS ALL THE SAME! And by applying the principles of Simplificational Onomastics, you will see THROUGH the OPAQUE and the SOURCE WILL BECOME CLEAR.

The English speaker sees the Chinese language and thinks, “I can’t read that.” He is WRONG. It’s a simple matter of applying Simplificational Onomastics to make the SOURCE CLEAR.

Here is the Chinese word for HORN: ⻆. It seems OPAQUE until it is SIMPLIFIED ONOMASTICALLY. Step 1: The OPAQUE must be BROKEN:

And now the English speaker kicks himself for thinking he COULDN’T SPEAK CHINESE ALL THESE YEARS. And other words, of course, can be BROKEN, like BLUE: ⻘.

But, just as there are TWO PARTIES (congregational and otherwise), TWO BEERS (root and regular), and TWO GENDERS (male and anti-male), so are there TWO ONOMASTICAL METHODS. Just as any character can be BROKEN, so can any character be SOLVED. All solutions are OBVIOUS to the wise, but I will show you the SOLUTION for Chinese TOOTH: ⻭.

HOW MUCH SIMPLER DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT?! IT’S A TOOTH IN A MOUTH! And yet the combined governments of the world spend more than $483 TRILLION PER YEAR on Chinese language instruction! AND YET YOU WONDER WHERE YOUR TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING?

And it gets SIMPLER the further you go. Take the word for GNOME: 山精. This word can be BROKEN:

It can, of course, VERY EASILY AND INTUITIVELY be SOLVED:

And, as with all Chinese compounds, the meaning can be INTUITED from the parts. 山 means PEAK and 精 means SEMEN, so all one needs to do is COMBINE them to get the DOUBLE MEANING “peak semen”, which, of course, is the same as “gnome”.

In less than ONE FULL INTERNET PAGE I have given you the DOUBLE POWER of SIMPLIFICATIONAL ONOMASTICS (notice: TWO WORDS!), and yet I’M THE ONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LANGUAGE?!

Everything I have explained today is SIMPLE AND INTUITIVE. You may be shocked to learn it took me NO MORE THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES to penetrate the DOUBLE HYPOCRISY of MODERN LINGUISTICS and EXPOSE the DOUBLE TRUTH of SIMPLIFICATIONAL ONOMASTICS. It is TRUE. And all you need to do to win DOUBLE FREEDOM is to OPEN YOUR EYES! Look BEYOND the OPAQUE to the SOURCE: that is the KEY AND THE LOCK!

Double THANKS to the TRUTH SEEKERS responsible for this journal for allowing me to OPEN THE DOUBLE-SEALED GATES TO LINGUISTIC AND ALINGUISTIC FREEDOM! The question: Will you step THROUGH?

	Yet Another Collection of Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know—Madalena Cruz-Ferreira
	A Brief History of the Bleggish Language—Vleth Ziggle-Formenshult
	SpecGram Vol CLVII, No 4 Contents