Titles in Fantasy Linguistics—Announcement from Scholartastic Books SpecGram Vol CLVII, No 3 Contents

The Stylistic Writing Academy of Academic Writing Style

The Stylistic Writing Academy of Academic Writing Style has a course for you!

This is not to say, indeed, that ‘The Stylistic Writing Academy of Academic Writing Style has you for a course!’, but if it were, then it might have been so to say.

Herewith a sample, extracted from Lesson A(13)(iiii) of the Level CMLXVII Certificate course, with which to whet your appetite:

Trope The First

Why would you ever, in writing, use the word order commonest in speech? Should it not be apparent that utterances, that are of appearance somewhat inverted, seem more profound somehow than those which not thus are? Therefore eschew (with a goodly dose of seasoning), what might otherwise not seem to merit the chewing (without a beneficial dose of salts)! Plainly speak, if merely understood you would aspire to be. But first, consider this: you may land yourself in a fine kettle of fish, when with seasoning more à propos, you else might see yourself in a fine fettle of quiche.(1)

Trope The Second

This tropeous wonder, need one wonder, is yet another wondrous trope that goes by the alternative titles of Auto-Inverse Reflexivity and Reflex-Inverse Autonomy (but never yet Auto-Reflexive Inversality or Inverse Auto-Reflexivitywhich, whilst also not being, indeed, further examples of Auto-Inverse Reflexivity, alias an AIRy turn of phrase; and whilst also, contrariwise, being excellent examples of homologisms(2)are not yet its synonyms (but may, under appropriate constructions, be seen to be its homologues(5))).

Trope The Third

This is the art of confusion. Some scholars argue that every other trope here enumerated is hereby subsumed; under this interpretation, all prior explanations will, as examples, suffice. Yet, yet other scholars argue that such subsumption is the property of no other trope than the Fourth (viz. the Practice of Obfuscation; vide infra); while still yet others (scholars all) appear confused.

The quality of our offering will be readily apparent from the preceding sample. Students desirous of advancing to a tutorship, tutors to a lectureship, lecturers to an assistant professorship, assistant professors to a full professorship, professors to a Department Chairmanship and Department Chairmen to a Deanship, know full well the inordinate and extraordinary pressure placed upon them to publish, publish, publishor perish!

...—Academic Writing Style!

One can’t, can one?(13)

But never fear; yes, we’re here to help you, and (for modest monthly repayments scarcely more onerous than those of the mortgage on your professorial abode, for a mere seven hundred and twenty months) have exactly the course you need.

You’ll start with the Level Null Certificate course(9), and proceed by professionally graded stages until your final mastery of Academic Writing Style is acknowledged by the presentation of the Level CMLXIX Certificate of Academic Writing Style!your ticket to a career of success, as a successful careerist in academe.(10)

Don’t delay; apply today!(12)

Send S.A.E. and all major credit cards to:
The Stylistic Writing Academy of Academic Writing Style
Post Restante, Your Capital City

(1) Our copy-writer advises that he has been dying to say this ever since he first heard the word “quiche”, in that memorable phrase “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche”. However, perhaps his recollections grow hazy with the years; was it not the eponymous book that established the byword of the Fennel Men: “Real Fens Don’t Peat Fish”?(6)

(2) An aspect of the mathematical study called Analysis, which chiefly concerns itself with functions, but which, however, since it possesses a vanishingly small intersection(3)(4) with Functional Analysis, need detain linguists no longer.

(3) Not strictly accurate, mathematically speaking.

(4) Not, speaking strictly, mathematically accurate.

(5) Strictly, mathematically speaking.

(6) We have, reluctantly, had to let our copywriter go, due to his argumentative assertion that advertising copy should not be footnoted in the academic style, and his reluctance to acknowledge that it is we, the Stylistic Writing Academy of Academic Writing Style, who might have greater pretensions to claim to know how to style academic copywriting. He hadn’t yet even passed our Level XIII Certificate in Academic Writing Style, yet! But he was a good fellow, so, in discharging him, Prof. Snodgrass delivered himself of a suitable encomium. The poor man seemed a mite confused; apparently, he thought he was being given a harmonium; still, he seemed not discontent with the gift made him, to wit, the contents of the Linguists’ Chocolate Cookie Fund Jar (which, were it ever sufficient, would have been used to purchase one (1)(not (1)) packet of chocolate cookies, with which the Jar might be enabled to undergo conversion to, a Linguists’ Chocolate Cookie Jar. What luck(7), that the Linguists’ Chocolate Cookie Jar Fund had perfectly attained its goal-directed movement some (indeterminate) time previous to his departure! At any rate, he was pleased to find the Jar contained just one Kennedy dollar, in Mint State, which he wanted for his collection.

(7) Though some, naturally, just to appear radical, will argue that there is no element of luck(8) involved in such movement.

(8) But, possibly, some element of “what”, what?

(9) For which there is no course certificate, of course.

(10) Estimated completion time, assuming one Certificate in Academic Writing Style course taken and awarded per semester, is CMLXIX / II years.(11)

(11) You do the maths.

(12) The former copywriter wanted us write “Don’t delay, apply today!”, insisting that this informal punctuation was racier, more exciting, and therefore more likely to get results. We objected, on two grounds:

  1. we can hardly hold ourselves as exemplars of successful academic writing style if we violate its chief canon: “Never mind making sense; get the punctuation correct”; and

  2. we don’t actually want our students to get results,
    1. because that would dry up a source of funds (remembering the adage of that most successful academician, Bilious P. Tarnum, viz., “Never give a student so much as a mid-term break, even”) and

    2. because that would increase competition for our own jobs; Heaven knows tenure is hard enough to get, and besides, we made it on our own without benefit of these fantastic courses we’re now making available, so that every snotty-nosed XVIII + CMLXIX / II year-old (vide(10) supra) is a potential competitor.

(13) Never underestimate the power of the rhetorical trope! Yes, we teach those, too. Of course!

Titles in Fantasy Linguistics—Announcement from Scholartastic Books
SpecGram Vol CLVII, No 3 Contents