L: Hi. I'm going to learn your language, and I thought I would start by asking some basic vocabulary questions.

I: Ok.

L: Could you tell me how to say 'febrifuge'?

I: We call that ber.

L: (writing in his notebook) Hmm...glottaly unreleased [b] with clearly discernable fronting, perhaps due to influence of [e] which exhibits level 3 diphthongization toward a high front rounded reduced semi-vowel, preceding a curious palatally trilled retroflex with a slightly woody quality, suggestive of blackberr...No! blueberries!...with laryngeal coloring creating...

I: Why are you spelling it like that? We don't spell it that way. The spelling is...

L: Shaddup! I'm using a scientifically developed alphabet which is vastly superior to yours. Don't even try to understand it.

I: Ok.

L: Could you say the word for 'muskrat'?

I: What number is that?

L: It's number twenty-three on the list.

I: Number three?

L: No, twenty-three, please. Muskrat.

I: Oh, seventy-eight! Purulent--that's puspús.

L: (pointing) No, no, no! This one!

I: I don't know that word.

L: Please, this is no time for levity.

I: What is muskrat?

L: An aquatic rodent, Ondatra zibethica, of North America having a brown coat that is widely used as fur. It has partly webbed hind feet, and musk glands under a broad, flat tail. Also called 'musk beaver', 'musquash'.

I: Oh.

L: (approaching and raising his fist) Well, what is it!?

I: We don't have a muskrat where I come from.

L: (pointing to a new item) Well, ok, how about 'dog'?

I: What is dog? We don't have any of it either.

L: (in resignation) Ok, so we're going to pretend now--all right? We come home from shopping and your grandson Jose is watching television, but he ought to be doing his homework. So you're going to tell him, 'Jose, read the book'.

I: What number is that?

L: This one's not on the list. Your grandson Jose is listening to the radio, but he ought to be reading a nineteenth century Russian novel. And it's Tuesday. How do you say 'Jose, read the book'?

I: You want me to command him?

L: Yes! Listen--Jose, radio, Dostoëvsky, Tuesday. What do you say?

I: Jose read the book?

L: Interesting! Remarkably similar to English. Hmm...I've got it! I can now conjugate all verbs in your language!

I: You want to hear some more?

L: No, that would be superfluous. [End of tape]

	Relative Size of Broca's Area and Facility in Speech Production--Center for Proactive Neurolinguistics
	The Future of the English Dual--Jay Trones
	SpecGram Vol CXLVII, No 1 Contents