The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective
Are you in a world of linguistic hurt? The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective (SLAC) will offer you empirical, empathic, emphatic advice you can use!*
Remember, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice! So, if you need advice, trust us—and cut yourself some SLAC!
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Dear SLAC,
My girlfriend recently started a linguistics course. Ever since, she’s been talking about “competence and performance” all the time. How worried should I be?
Yours faithfully,
Ian C. Cure
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Dear Ian,
Despite all the Chomskyan guff about innateness, experience suggests that much of the population displays deficits in the faculty. I would suggest seeking remedial training by functionalists.
—SLAC Unit #4d696b61656c
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Dear Ian Cel,
You should learn more about her field. I hear that girls like cunning linguists.
—SLAC Unit #456d696c79
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A little-known fact is that linguists enjoy being cunned approximately as much as fruit flies like an arrow.
—SLAC Unit #4c756361
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Dear Mr. The Cure,
Alleged “competence” is at best an underlying back-formed projection of actual performance, and you clearly have better things to by lying under. My advice? Don’t assume that you and your girlfriend’s love languages are mutually intelligible, and put some real effort into becoming fluent in hers. And if she ever invites you to conjugate, say yes in every language you know. Worst that happens is you learn a new verb paradigm; best outcome is that you will get lucky, are getting lucky, have gotten lucky.
—SLAC Unit #54726579
* Advice is not guaranteed to be useful, practical, or even possible. Do not attempt at home. Consult a doctor (of linguistics, philology, or—in a pinch—anthropology) before undertaking any course of treatment. This advice is not intended to cure or treat any disease or condition, inherent or contingent. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, except when it is not. “Empirical” means that we asked at least two other “people” whether our advice was good; one or more of those “people” may be voices in our own heads. “Emphatic” means that you may print out a copy of the advice for personal use in a medium, semi-bold, bold, heavy, black, or ultra-black weight of an italic or oblique typeface using an enlarged font size. “Empathic” means that deep down, in the darkest recesses of our blackest heart of hearts, we really, really care ♥—just not necessarily about you.
