Here at the Language Debate Society, we debate only the most important language topics that lesser minds dare not touch. This month’s debate is on the serial comma. Did you know that that in the court case O’Connor v. Oakhurst Dairy, a US court ruled that the ambiguity created by the lack of a serial comma meant that the company was required to provide overtime pay to its drivers? This month we have two cream-
Prior to the debate, we polled our live audience here at the Εταιρεία Συζήτησης της Γλώσσα Pavilion
Be it resolved that, because of the ambiguity associated with its absence, the serial comma should unambiguously be used.
Results will be announced after the debate, along with the results of a post-
Arguing in favor is Harvard (of Nebraska) University Professor Virgil Yul Morris:
Ah, the serial comma. It keeps things neat and orderly, unlike my opponent’s hair. It keeps things separated, like my opponent should be from civilized society. It is the epitome of sophistication, unlike my opponent’s choice of footwear. Really, John, Crocs with socks?
The word “comma” comes from the Ancient Greek for “cut off”. That’s right, John, you’re technically wearing commas. I don’t know why you thought that was appropriate attire for a debate, but I guess we should all count ourselves thankful that you and your hippie, anything-
goes ways decided to put anything on at all. Some of us are still scarred from your “Bare Phrase Structure” debate. Serial is always better. The bus sucks. A serial bus? That’s universal. Some women fear that their internet date will turn out to be a killer, while others go all gaga over serial killers. Hey John, is that why your wife makes all those visits to the prison? Podcasts these days are a dime a dozen, but what does your wife listen to at night to drown out the sounds you make, John? Serial.
The serial comma has an impressive pedigree. In the US, we call it the Harvard comma. Across the Atlantic, it’s the Oxford comma, named after the illustrious university that turns out Britain’s most entertaining toffs. Like the serial comma, Oxonians are experts on separation, culminating in Brexit. What is your precious non-
comma named after, John? Do you go around at parties saying, “Hey, you know that comma that you put before an ‘and’ in a list? At the Local University of Southeastern Rutland, we invented not doing that!” Is the LUSeR motto, “It’s just easier not doin’ stuff”? John, I remember reading your book Deep Structure for Shallow Idiots
— hilarious read, by the way — and being confused by the ambiguity of the dedication page: “To my parents, Ayn Rand and Carrot Top.” Was that used appositively? Either way, it comes across a-negatively. If you consistently used serial commas, we wouldn’t have to wonder whether you’re pathetically trying to look like an Oxford- educated Prime Minister or if your hair is just genetically like that. John, you may think that the serial comma is just a “tiny little nothing, dangling there uselessly”, to quote your wife on a different topic. But it’s there to encode the natural rhythm of a list. I know you have trouble with rhythm. I’ve seen you dance. Thankfully, YouTube took down that video after all those complaints from the epilepsy foundation. Anyway, I’d like to close with the dedication from my latest book, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Punctuation, Were Afraid To Ask, And Now Regret Asking Due to the Length of the Response: “For all the things that I love to do, linguistics and John’s wife.” Now don’t you wish I had used a serial comma?
Arguing against is Local University of Southeastern Rutland Professor Johnathon “John” Johnigan:
Why name your debate opponent eight times? Why disparage him personally without addressing any relevant matters? Why waste ink? Why fear ambiguity? Ockham’s lex parsimoniae provides the only justification needed to wisely choose to relegate the serial comma to the dustbin of typography: less is more.
I yield the remainder of my time, and all my serial commas.
We once again asked our live audience here at the Εταιρεία Συζήτησης της Γλώσσα Pavilion
Be it resolved that, because of the ambiguity associated with its absence, the serial comma should unambiguously be used.
The results of the pre-
Pre Post For the Motion, Against the Motion or Undecided 7.40% 4.69% For the Motion, Against the Motion, or Undecided 7.39% 4.70% Don’t Know Don’t Care Can’t Decide 85.21% 90.61%
Thus we declare Ignorance, Apathy, and Indecision the winners of tonight’s debate! Congratulations!